16 pictures of Animals painted to be other animals

 

If you don’t wanna pet that Panda-Dog real bad, you got a SCREW LOOSE SON!

Look.  I’ve seen enough dogs.  I know what a regular elephant looks like.   I know what a regular tiger looks like.   …LET’S START MASHIN’ ‘EM UP!!

Some people are gonna say “Ahhh…How sad! You shouldn’t paint your dog!”

But please don’t listen to them. Please paint your dog.  It makes for a more interesting world and people might finally think twice about giving their poor puppy to the pound once it has turned into a boring-ass “normal adult dog” if only they had the option to convert it into a dragon or a condor.

...or a cheeto.

 

 

 

 

 

Not painted. Just shaved. It's a bear. Some people think he looks evil. I don't really see that.

 

 

This one's not done yet. It's gonna be a mountain lion.

 

I don't know. ...I guess a parrot or some shit.

 

Drunk Beer Review Friday: Stone Smoked Porter

Once a week I go to the store and pick out a beer I’ve never tried. Then I drink PLENTY of them, enough to get me COMPLETELY FUCKING …inspired. THEN I write an unedited review. Below is what my liver hopes does not become a weekly column called “I Got Wasted On A Beer Then Reviewed It While I Was Totally Wasted.”


Stone Smoked Porter

Stone’s beers are wild.  Wilder than Bill “The Thrill” Hickock and wilder than weeds.  I’m not gonna even try to get nit picky with the flavors of this rich, robust beer.   There are too many subtleties and since I’m drunk, I’ll just flat out admit it’s beyond my capabilities.

So let’s just say it’s smokey and rich… and it pours a dark, opaque, bubble smuggling chocolate brown…and the first sip suggests hints of toffee and edible leather and as you continue the flavors become even tougher to pin down. They continually change. The complex aroma and sultry mouthfeel  team up to form a flavor that …ummm…still isn’t sure of itself….still wants to try to maybe have a bitter overtone, or a malty presence or maybe even eventually get more into protecting wildlife.

Dammit. SEE. That’s why I didn’t even wanna try. I wish some of these beers would just flat out yell the flavor into my tongue’s ear for ONCE.  It takes a lot of concentration to get to some of these finer notes and subtle overtones…concentration that I could be using for other things like finally learning how to levitate without getting all wobbly.   Someday just flat out tell me “here is a roasted coffee taste man.. RIGHT HERE!”…and stop making  me sound like an indecisive, passive-aggressive bitch.

I’m not trying to be a pessimist …but its just not gonna happen. I realize that.  These beers are so complex.  It has only happened ONCE in my life, and it turned out to be chocolate milk.

Need some motivation to drink this beer? Don’t feel like drinking a smokey porter? Here. Get in the mood.  Watch this and stop being an idiot.  This guy would drink the shit out of a smokey porter. He is not a bum. He’s a cowboy (he has guns). His name is Gabby Hayes.  I know that only because that’s what it says on the YouTube title.  But I’m sure there’s some of you out there who will say “Ya..Gabby Hayes! Dude, he’s classic! …What? You don’t know Gabby Hayes?”

Pair this beer with:  Your favorite Gabby Hayes line.  I recommend this one… directed towards whoever the WORST decipherer in the room is:  ”You can’t even tell a new dress from a fancy saddle.” …It’s a ridiculously stupid thing to say.  But it pairs well.

 

 

 

 

 

A world champion of douchebaggery

I think my favorite part is when he starts listing the different names he calls women, and you can TELL he could keep going for another two or three minutes, but a producer in the background was probably flashing a red light for him to wrap it up.

The level of douchebaggery needed to pull of this type of apology is VERY high.  You can’t just stumble in to being this big of a douchebag, you have to put in the work.  Nothing comes easy people.

Should I Hate You Because Your Mommy And Daddy Are Famous? A Discussion Of Nepotism In Hollywood.

My wife and I are addicted to the HBO show “Game Of Thrones,” which, to describe simplistically for the purposes of this, takes place in sort of an alternate medieval times, and when the King of the realm dies his son takes over the thrown.  And his son is a total asshole.  Last episode he forced one hooker to beat the hell out of another hooker with a bat that had what looked like an Emmy award on the end of it.

There probably are a good number of people who have won one of these that use it to beat hookers.

And it wasn’t even some weird move where he needed to see hooker-fighting to get a boner.  He was just being a dick.

And while watching the aforementioned hooker-beating scene, my wife turned to me and said “That piece of shit doesn’t deserve to be King.”  Now, the reason this little asshole is King is because of nepotism. Son of the King is heir to the throne.  Unfair, but just the law of the land.

Immediately after watching Game of Thrones, we popped on another HBO show; “Girls.”   After it was over, my wife turned to me and said “I really like that show.”

“Me, too,” I replied.

“I saw this thing on facebook where people were getting pissed off because all the girls on the show are daughters of famous people,” she said.

There is a lot of crappy television out there.  I know, I’ve been responsible for some of it.  It’s really, REALLY hard to make a good TV show.  It rarely ever happens.  I see super talented people try every year and fail.  So when it does happen, it means whoever is responsible creatively for that show is a bad ass motherfucker.  I’ve seen two episodes of Girls, and obviously it’s subjective, but I found that show to be incredibly good.  And I could look around my house all day and not find a fuck to give about the subject matter of twenty-something entitled hipsters living in New York, man or woman.  But I now find myself with BASKETS FULL OF FUCKS TO GIVE about the characters in “Girls.”

Does Hannah have an STD? Why doesn't she understand her boyfriend is a douche? So, so many fucks to give.

And so when people point out that they believe nepotism is the reason the show is on the air, or is responsible for actresses in the show, the very FIRST thing I think is “Who cares?  The show is really good, so the people on that show deserve to be on it, and the people who make it deserve to be making it, for no other reason that it’s WORKING.”  They made a good TV show.  I like watching good TV shows.     I don’t give a shit how they came about or which vagina birthed the parties involved, as long as the product is good.  Lena Dunham and the actresses on that show are SUUUUUUPER good at their jobs. If they weren’t, people would hate the show, which doesn’t seem to be the case.

The second thing I think is “people who say the show is on the air because of nepotism do no understand how TV shows get on the air.”  HBO is like the prettiest girl at your high school who also happens to have INCREDIBLY high self-esteem.  She is not going to fuck you because she wants to do you a favor.

"Oh, you're Steve, the star quarterback's brother? Okay, well, in that case I'll fuck you, I guess." NOPE NOT HOW IT WORKS.

If people don’t like the show, then the show won’t stay on the air.  HBO is a really successful network.  They didn’t get to be that way by going “Hmmm, you know what, we have this really awesome show we want to put on the air, but UNFORTUNATELY we’re going to have to put this show on the air that has a bunch of relatives of successful and famous people in it.  Tough break for us.”  SHIT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.

Do the children of famous people get opportunities the rest of us don’t get?  Yes, definitely.  But people get opportunities due to shit much more infuriating than that. Case in point; WRITING DOWN SHIT YOUR DAD SAYS.

Nepotism is a fact of life.  People like helping out their family members.  It’s basic evolution.  You give food to your kids before you give it to somebody you don’t know.  It’s why one group of shit hurling monkeys died out, and the other evolved in to humans. When nepotism becomes problematic to me, is not when it produces a really enjoyable television show.  It’s when it ends with a guy forcing two hookers to beat the shit out of each other.

 

Science Corner: What causes the sound of thunder?

We here at These Fries Are Good like to not just make you laugh, but also provide you with knowledge. So we employed a substitute teacher who lives a few doors down from us to answer your science questions:

Dear Gary,

What causes the sound that thunder makes?

Thanks!

-Melissa

———————————————————————————————————-

Hi Melissa! Great question!  Simply put, thunder is caused by the rapid expansion of the air surrounding the path of a lightning bolt.

The heat from the electricity of a lightning bolt raises the temperature of the surrounding air to around 48,632 degrees!  Approximately 48,631 degrees warmer than my wife’s completely useless, half-hearted attempts at affection.  This happens so fast that the air doesn’t have time to react. Exactly like my son in the 60mph batting cage, who for some reason just stands there for 20 pitches in a row without even swinging the bat ONE TIME!  Completely stunned.  Acting as though 60mph is too fast to hit and complaining after almost EVERY PITCH: “Dad, this is too fast, I can’t see when to swing.  I thought you said we were gonna go in the arcade.” Prompting my wife to predictably chime in about how “If he’s not having any fun what’s the point, Gary? You’re just wasting all the tokens.”…as if EVERYTHING a kid does always has to be fun, completely missing the point that if he would at least TRY to swing the bat maybe he would get better and then probably start to have fun… while learning a sport instead of a video game.

When the lightning strikes, the air TRIES to expand but can’t.  But it does try.  And, this is understandable.  The heated air is under EXTREME force. Up to 100 times the normal atmospheric pressure. 60 mph, however, is not even remotely extreme.  I’ve seen kids in that batting cage 2 years younger than my son with 1/2 inch thick glasses and ice cream on their face who are able to hit the ball at that speed no problem.

The compressed air explodes outward, forming a shock wave of compressed particles in every direction. Like an explosion, the rapidly expanding waves of compressed air create a loud, booming burst of noise.

Here is a video my friend Tom made.  He is the biggest fan of thunder and lightning that I know.  The ONLY thing he likes better than thunder and lightning is taking ecstasy.

 

Also, here is a competing theory on how the noise is created.  It’s very convincing, but has NO SCIENTIFIC BASIS.

Have a science question? Ask Gary!

 

 

Horrible Tattoos

A friend came to me the other day and said, “Hey take a look at this drawing my girlfriend made.”  It was an angry octopus climbing out of the water onto the beach with a menacing storm approaching behind it.  He then said that he was thinking of getting THE WHOLE THING tattooed on his body somewhere.  I can not wait for that day to come, but until then, here are some other tattoos that people have mistakenly decided to put on their bodies forever. 

"I wanted y'all to know that sometimes I get woozy and need a granola bar, but I could still fuck you up!"

 

"This will always be funny, right? Right? Fuck you, Steve, this will ALWAYS be funny."

 

"Yes I get it but please put your shoes back on sir, you're in an Olive Garden."

 

"So then it just hit me one day, my belly button looks like a cat's asshole. So I hopped in my car..."

 

"So I want a picture of screaming Jesus, but could you make him look like Nicolas Cage?"

Here's how amazing this tattoo is; you didn't even NOTICE the tattoo on his head that says "fuck u." That is an amazing tattoo.

 

I guess Everybody doesn't love Raymond.

 

"I don't know man, I feel like the soul patch is going to date it."

 

"I let my nephew draw it, how'd it come out?"

 

"I heard chicks dig guys with tattoos."

 

We've let the terrorists win.

 

"What? The Jets? Fuck me."

My Favorite Unintentionally Hilarious News Typos

Unlike many of my young adult peers, I’m willing to admit that I am not always right.  In fact, most of the time I’m very, very wrong on a variety of subjects.  This includes, but is not limited to me commiting at least ten typos that make me look like an idiot on a daily basis.   A typo has the power to provide unintentional comedy, which is my favorite kind of comedy, just ahead of any dramatic scene filmed by Jennifer Love Hewitt.  So here are a few of my favorites typos.

"It was a terrifying and disturbing, corn-filled scene here today."

 

Conversation I wish had really happened - GRAPHICS GUY #1: "Let's go with 'Holiday Shoppers.' GRAPHICS GUY #2 "Eh, I feel like that's not specific enough."

 

I have dyslexia.

"So again, we remind you, fuck it, roll the dice. Let's see some crazy shit," the chief of police added at the end of his press conference.

"Isn't that supposed to be a picture of your mother?" -now divorced man

 

I never met anyone from this girl's school when I was in high school.

Fox News really needs to become more subtle…

 

"Fuck yea!" -guy named Brian

"I understand religious freedom but that is no excuse to shit on the capital."

"...math still in troubel."

 

"Jet's gain the sponsership of Einstein Brothers Bagels."

 

"She was found dead after she was no longer living..."

 

"Wow...so that is what we will look like in the future..."

"There are no words to describe how shitty Jet's football can be."

 

An Oral History Of The Time We Caught My College Roommate Masturbating

Oral histories are all the rage right now, and rightfully so.  It’s a really engaging way to recall an event using just the words of the people involved.  So with that in mind, I called up all my old college roommates and we decided to do an oral history of when we caught my friend Chris masturbating in the living room of our junior year apartment.

 

Dan (Chris’s roommate): It was a Tuesday, and on Tuesdays everyone had class all day except for Justin and Chris.

 

Billy (Chris’s next door neighbor): I saw Chris that morning.  I was outside smoking a cigarette.  He came out to pick up their newspaper. It seemed like any other day.

 

Chris: This is fucking stupid.  I’m not doing this.

 

(more…)

The Mystery Of The Transvestite And The Stolen Car – Tales From The Valet Stand

Ryan Walter has valeted off and on for approximately waaaaaay too long.  During that time he amassed quite a few enjoyable stories.  Today he shares this one with us.

I’ve valeted for literally eons.  Most recently at the W hotel in Hollywood. (Pictured above)… Seriously.  Eons. Literally eons of parking cars.  I literally have NO IDEA what “literally” OR “eons” means.

One time…

I was working a Sunday morning shift.  On Sunday mornings we would typically see a lot of world class walks of shame starting at about 6am.  Both girls and guys. Partiers leaving after a night of club to club to club, to random person’s hotel room with drugs in it, to our valet window to try to act semi sober, retrieve their car, and complain about the $38.50 overnight charge. 

At about 6am on this  Sunday morning as the sun was just coming up,  a big strong African American guy in a miniskirt with a bangin’ body and whore makeup came to the window with “her” ticket, name and room number retrieved her car with no tip but a “thanks honey”.

It was a big Ford construction truck which seemed humorously fitting.  It gave us all a few minutes of entertainment as we hypothesized about her daytime life as a construction worker and instantly  began to reminisce about the time the big transvestite drove away in her construction truck.  We relayed the story to each valet coming to work over the next hour by saying things like:

“Hey, you missed the transvestite with the big truck.”

But this is Hollywood, and I’ve seen people fucking in trash cans and random goats walking down the street, so it wasn’t THAT strange.

Anyway, two hours later at about 8am a man came to the window without his valet ticket, which is pretty common.  So we began searching for his keys for 10 minutes as he became agitated and outwardly questioning and doubtful of our capabilities as valets, while we were all thinking “I can’t wait to find this guy’s car and then fart in it when I drive it up.”  As we gathered more information on his vehicle, checked his ID, and confirmed everything with the front desk, we realized that we had handed those keys out to the transvestite.  Then we realized the transvestite actually WASN’T a construction worker who moonlighted as a transvestite.

(more…)

Dogs Takin a Dump in The Background of Pictures

I hate taking pictures.  Wait, let me rephrase that.  I hate people who take my picture.  There’s something about someone who demands you instantly stop what you’re doing and shouts directions at you that feels very North Korea-ish.  That is why I appreciate a good photo bomb, as it ruins the work of the aforementioned asshole.  Anyway, you’ve seen lots of photobomb galleries, and though I love them, I thought I’d promote a different kind of photobombing I love more.  I present to you: Dogs Taking a Dump in The Background of Pictures.

Nothing says USA like a stars and stripes bikini AND a dog taking a shit. I feel as if it were one or the other, it would feel incomplete.

"Nah don't worry, he'll be fine in there. We are only running in for a second."

I know this isn't technically "in the background," but I just wanted to point out, letting your animal shit on the floor of an airport is the last step before the world devolves in to chaos.

"I usually have to go around the 7th inning stretch too..."

I'd like to think right after this picture was taken the dog hopped off the other dog and said "I'm just fucking with you guys, take the picture."

"Girls you look SOOO beautiful, but lets take one more, just for the hell of it."

"Ironically, she is going to feel like dog shit in the morning."

I actually find that car in the background to be more upsetting.

 

"Remember that trip mom and dad made us take to the beach when it was so cold we still had to wear a winter coat?" "Yea, that was shitty."

 

"HEY SAN DIEGO PADRES HERE IS WHAT I THINK OF YOUR TEAM OKAY COOL YOU GUYS SUCK."

"This is one for the wedding invitation!"