I would pay A lot of money to go to this concert.

 

Krispie Kreme and Money Maker Mike prove to the world that all you need to make an AMAZING rap video is passion, determination, a basement gym and a tree.

 

 

Picture Gallery: Clouds That Look Like Penises

C’mon, God. Get your head out of the gutter.

The "Boogie Nights"

The "Jason Segal"

The "Tree of Life"

 

The "Does this look infected?"

The "Apollo 11"

 

The "We may die but this funnel cloud looks like a dick" ...a classic.

The "Travolta"

The "Lance Armstrong"

 

The "YMCA"

And finally, I know that it is not an actual cloud…

The "Al Stroker"

50 Shades of Beige: The Bachelorette (Episode 2), By The Numbers

Not til the fantasy suites, Miss Piggy.

As a woman of the people, I’ve never been one to ignore the cry of the masses. So after I was bombarded by requests from not 2, but 3 people who were not my mother (she was lukewarm about it) to reprise the #BachCount (it’s a thing) for the second episode, I felt it was only fair to give the fans what they wanted.

Alas, back by popular demand, The Bachelorette Episode 2, by the numbers:

Potential suitors: 19

Potential husbands: 1, still just Chris Harrison. Really. Boy looks bomb in a suit.

Average LPM (“Love”s per minute): 0.5, a new record low. Seriously, no one said it until minute 19. Liiiiiiiiiike, I’m scared.

Points of overlap between the target audience of The Bachelorette and The Muppets1. The Really-Sad-People demo.

Amount of time it took me to realize Chris Harrison wasn’t a Muppet: like, a really long amount of time.

Things going on in Charlotte, North Carolina other than The Bachelorette, according to Eyewitness Newsliterally nothing.

Minimum number of people who pronounce it, “Imily”: 3, including Imily herself. I think this may be the correct spelling.

Amount of man nips revealed by the 8:00 minute mark: 384. Keep it in your v-necks, boys.

Reasons to be incredibly jealous of Ricki: 30, one per Tupperware-contained orange slice. (WHY IS THIS NOT A PART OF ADULTHOOD?!)

Times the guys mention how awesome it is that Emily is dressed down: 7

Times the guys call her “sexy”: 1, when she changes her outfit.

Friends Emily has in Charlotte: “all of them.” She says she’s friends with all of Charlotte.

Conversations it takes to know Ryan and Emily belong together: 1

“Honey I’m gon’ give you a chase if you ask for it,” Emily challenges.

“Oooh Lord, I’m ready,” Ryan responds.

“You asked for it.”

“This Southern boy knows how to chase.”

“Get on it.”

“You know how to run?”

“Oh yeah.”

Bachelors who admit it’s “difficult to talk”: 1

Number of Bachelors who make it difficult to listen: 18

“Charlie is extremely nervous. You can tell by his emotions.” – “Wolf”

Episodes it took them to rhyme “Alejandro” and “Alessandro”: 1 episode and 22 minutes

Attendance at the performance of 14 amateurs and 3 puppets: 500+. Seriously, let’s get Charlotte a hobby.

The grimness of the statement, “Singing with The Muppets. Doesn’t get any better than that.”: So. Insanely. Grim.

Bachelorette winners who have had a soul patch: 0. Stevie, shit ain’t happening. You look like Chris Kirkpatrick.

Awful : Awesome ratio of things Ryan “gets to do” on his “real life” date v. Joe: 1 : 1

Potential fill-in-the-bleeps for the following statement: INFINITY*

“I have a rule. If you have Louis Vuitton luggage and you’re a dude. You’re a [bleep].” The world is your oyster, readers.

Growth rate in respect for Emily after the following 2 statements: factor of 10

“One of the things I like about you most. You’re SO GOOD LOOKING.”

“I think Joe’s really hot. I think he looks like Matthew McConaughey. So I’m really excited to get to know him.”

In the history of the world, people who have used the word “intangible” while on a swing: 1. Way to go, Kalon.

Hot-ass superheroes booted by Emily this week: 1. WHY IS CLARK KENT (Aaron) GONE?! HAVE YOU SEEN HIS GLASSES AND HIS FACE?! (Hi. Call me.)

Minimum appearances of Muppets in next week’s episode before I stop watching: ¼ Muppet. Get the fucking puppets away from me.

*Really. Let’s get some comments here. I will personally send a rose to the winner. In fact, I’ll probably send a rose to anyone who comments. Please comment.

Lets finally agree on 2 things: Gary Busey and Nick Nolte are the same person, and kids need to quit selling gift wrap door to door.

The other night at about 7:00pm, just as it was starting to get dark, a child came to my door. The kid was probably about 10 years old and wanted to know if I was interested in buying some gift wrap. He said he was raising money for his school and that if he sold enough gift wrap he would be awarded different prizes, the highest of which was a new bicycle.  He said he could win the bike if he completed over 150 orders. I told him I was sorry and that I would not be needing any gift wrap, considering it was May and I really don’t ever buy people gifts anyway…and when I do I just wrap them in a Trader Joe’s bag.

Happy birthday grandpa!

I remember doing the same thing when I was in elementary school. We would all be invited to the auditorium for an assembly, unless we chose to remain in class.  Of course, we all chose the assembly.

Inside the auditorium,  a company that makes gift wrap, or cookie dough, or coupon books would put on a ridiculous show for us with a bunch of cheesy jokes and bright colors.

"That guy just did a front flip. ...I'm sold."

We were in awe. The gift wrap hype-man made a hard sell, he was fresh out of community college, and just one Tony Robbins cassette away from a managerial position. He told us that we had the opportunity to raise money for our school and that if we sold enough of their crap we might have a chance at one of the many crappy prizes. Participation was voluntary on our part, but after seeing those prizes we were convinced.  We took home the catalogs and order forms to the utter dismay of our parents who immediately realized they were going to have to shell out  money for some useless crap.

You did What?... Gift wrap?... its fucking March you idiot!

We hit the streets with the gusto of a depression-era Lithuanian meat worker. … going door to door by ourselves, trying to earn those prizes.  After about two days we would all be COMPLETELY over it.

Eventually we realized selling shit door to door fucking sucks, at which point we would beg our parents to buy some crap from us. In the end the kid with the richest parents won the bike. Fuck it, it was a Huffy anyway.

Harold R. Huffy. Inventor of the crappy bike

But that’s not the point, we all already had shitty Huffys. The point is: Why, in first place were these companies allowed to come into our schools, take us out of class, and convince us to agree to slave labor?  Isn’t that what the Civil War was fought for?

At least pay kids cash so they have some dollaaa’ beeeeelz to bribe the lunch lady with.  ”Fuck green beans.  Gimme three crumb cakes!”. What are we gonna do with a prize pack of pencils when we are busy attending seminars and pretending to be door-to-door salesmen?  A 10 year old kid selling shit door to door? What is this the fucking great depression? Why were we allowed to go to strangers houses peddling useless products?

"You kids here for the gang bang?"

When I was a kid this all seemed normal, but now when I look back I am really disturbed it happened.  I am ashamed at the companies and the school, and really bummed it’s still allowed.  At least give the kids something to sell that people want to buy, like weed.

Gary Nolte will buy some.

"Sell one more half-ounce and you win the visor... ...what chu mean nobody wear visors?"

10 heartwarming pictures of old people

You can tell she/he was quite the looker in his/her day

                  Lots of different things warm my heart to a gentle simmer.  Like…  labradoodle puppies, whiskey, gin, any four dollar bottle of wine, a child’s laughter in small doses, or a long island ice tea.  But, when I want to take it from a simmer to a real Charlie and the Chocolate Factory heart warming experience…   I would have to say that pictures of old people do the trick every time.

ok lady, hurry up. Just choose your Jamba boost.

"sooooo, these are ALL the sunglasses you sell? ...Ya.. well fuck. None of these fit."

"How am I gonna tell my parents I'm pregnant.."

"Bitch, gimme the early bird coupon!"

"Depends?? NEVER!!!! Leave me alone!! I'm keeping my dignity!!!!!"

"What did you say? just kidding...did you hear that mouse fart?"

"Fuck you guys, we said Hawaii, not Florida. We live 4 blocks from here."

"mutha fuckers actin like fools, I gets my shit at Pennys, I dont shop at no mutha fuckin Ross!"

"Look, see right over there.... No look... LOOOOOOK. Look where im pointing."

50 Shades of Beige: The Bachelorette Premiere, By The Numbers

Chris Harrison a.k.a. Jesus Incarnate

His roses never smell like poo poo poo

Okay, clearly I’m a really busy and important person who usually reads books and does community work in her downtime soooooo it’s not as if I wanted to watch the premiere of The Bachelorette last night. Or like had it in my iCal since the finale of The Bachelor. Or Skype-wept with my mother over the recent announcement of host Chris Harrison’s divorce.

Obviously not.

But I begrudgingly watched last night’s episode, as I find it my duty to keep up with the cultural zeitgeist. (See? No one unironically watches reality dating shows and knows the word zeitgeist. #logic) Also because this year’s bachelorette, Emily Maynard, has my same first name. That speaks to me. But not everyone can have that deep a connection to the show, nor such a strong sense of civic duty to keep up with the dregs of humanity (the bachelors). So I did you all a favor and spared you 90 minutes by breaking down the highlights. You’re welcome.

Alas, The Bachelorette Season 8 Premiere, by the numbers:

  • Potential suitors: 25
  • Potential husbands: 1. Chris Harrison and only Chris Harrison.
  • Average LPM (mentions of word “love” per minute): 15
  • Potential tattoos, brought to you by the bachelorette herself: 3
    • “I think you should save being engaged for someone you’re going to marry.”
    • “Put on your big girl panties.”
    • “I believe in love and fabulous shoes.”
  • How many babies, Emily?: “a minivan full of babies”
  • Careers that did not exist until now: 2
    • Joe, the Field Energy Advisor
    • John, the Data Destruction Specialist
  • How much Emily thinks the bachelors have “given up to be here:” “SO much”
  • How much the bachelors actually gave up to be there: literally nothing. There is no such thing as a Data Destruction Specialist.
  • Number of words used in the 3-line song David the singer/songwriter wrote for Emily: 2 (“Emily” and “Oh”)
  • Minimum number of things men like to look at, according to the bachelor montage: 8. Specifically:
    • Bridges
    • Barges
    • Ties
    • The Distance
    • Subways
    • Sidewalks
    • Rivers
    • The Sun
  • Number of bachelors who like to walk or run on empty streets, roads, or race car tracks, according to the bachelor montage: 6
  • Number of guys with dogs: 3
  • Number of guys with cats: 0 (thank god)
  • Number of hugs given out as Emily meets the 25 bachelors: 28 (Welp. Someone’s a little slutty.)
  • Number of disturbingly insensitive mentions of Emily’s late baby daddy, who died tragically in a plane crash: 2
    • “I see things my daughter does that remind me of her dad and it’s cool. It’s awesome.” – Emily
    • “I’m a race car driver; her fiancée was a race car driver who passed away on his way to a race. That could be a problem.” – Arie*
  • Minimum number of bachelors who should be committed (the other kind) based on their use of props: 5… Though digging the boombox cameo.
  • Number of black guys in the first episode: 1!
  • Number of black guys who made it to the second episode: 0
  • Number of requests required for me to recap every episode from here on: 2. A CALL TO ARMS!
  • Number of episodes I’ll watch anyway: I mean…Come on.

* Number of problems solved easier by learning to apparate at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry than by changing professions: 1.

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The “I Suck At Girls” Book Tour

On Tuesday, May 15th, my second book “I Suck At Girls” comes out.  I will be going on a book tour for the next three weeks, and would love it if you could come out.  Even if you just want to tell me to fuck off.  Hmm, maybe not if you want to do that.  Seems like that would be a bummer.

At almost all of these I’ll be doing a little talk and reading, but if it turns out that the book store just wants me to sign, I’ll stick around after and answer any questions you might have.

Anyway, here is the tour dates and info.

 

5/15 – NEW YORK CITY  6 PM – 7 PM

BARNES & NOBLE – Tribeca
Barnes & Noble #2255
97 Warren Street
New York, NY 10007

 

5/16 – NEW YORK CITY  12:30 PM

WORD FOR WORD READING SERIES at BRYANT PARK – Outdoor talk/signing with Ali Wentworth
Hosted by Sara Barron
Bryant Park outdoor Reading Room ( 42nd Street allé) – between 5th & 6th Avenues

 

5/16 – NEW HAVEN, CT  7 – 8 PM

Long Wharf Theater
222 Sargent Drive
New Haven, CT 06511
Theater PH: 203-787-4282

 

5/17 – LOS ANGELES 6:45 – 8 PM

BARNES & NOBLE – The Grove
Barnes & Noble #2089
189 The Grove Drive
Los Angeles, CA 90036

 

5/19 – SAN DIEGO 6:15 – 7:30 PM

POINT LOMA HIGH SCHOOL
Gymnasium
2335 Chatsworth Blvd
San Diego, California 92106

 

5/21 – DENVER, CO  7:30 – 8:30

TATTERED COVER – LoDo Store 7:30-8:30
1628 16th Street
Denver, CO 80202

 

5/22 – SEATTLE, WA  7 – 8PM

UNIVERSITY BOOKSTORE – U District Store
4326 University Way NE
Seattle, WA 98105

 

5/23 – PORTLAND, OR  6:45 – 8PM

POWELL’S
3723 SE Hawthorne Blvd.  NOTE: This  may be off-site, so check with Powell’s website.

 

5/28 – TORONTO 7 – 8PM

CHAPTERS JOHN & RICHMOND
142 John Street
Toronto, Ontario
M5V 2E9
Canada

 

5/29 – BOSTON, MA 7 – 8 PM

BROOKLINE BOOKSMITH
290 Harvard St.
Boston, MA 02446

 

5/30 AUSTIN, TX 7 -8 PM

BOOKPEOPLE
603 North Lamar
Austin, TX 78703

 

5/31 DALLAS, TX 7 -8 PM

BARNES & NOBLE LINCOLN PARK
7700 West Northwest Hwy
Dallas, TX 75225

 

6/4 SAN FRANCISCO  7:30 – 8:30

THE BOOKSMITH
1644 Haight Street
San Francisco

 

6/6 WASHINGTON D.C.  7 -8 PM

SIXTH & I (Washington JCC)
600 I Street, NW
Washington, DC 20001

 

6/7 NEW YORK CITY  Time TBD

This will be at an Apple Store but if you bring your book, I will sign the HELL OUT OF IT.  (Don’t know what that means.)

Guys Who Suck At Girls

There are two types of men on planet earth, those who suck at girls, and those who don’t.  I will admit that I am a member of the unfortunate species who suck at girls. I am also member of a small part of society that needed head gear, which probably isn’t helping my case.  Either way, it is nice to know that there are other guys out there who suck, or have sucked at girls.  Justin Halpern is one of those guys, and he was kind enough to write down an anthology of the early sucking at girls stage of his life in a book called I Suck at Girls, due out this May.  This in no way is a plug for that book…okay it is.  Anyway, here are some more guys that suck at girls:

I like that this guy has decided to respond to his boner by being angry, not embarrassed. "FUCK YOU BONER."

 

"Trust me dude it is way better going with this spelling of 'come'."

"I'm so glad I bought this shirt..."

 

"Hmmm, let's take another one. This one turned out weird."

 

 

"...I actually am happy to see you..."

 

"I have to go to the bathroom...NOW!"

 

"Does this mean I get to see you naked?"

 

"Don't worry, I'm big where it counts." "No you're not." No... No I'm not."

"It's one thing to suck at girls, but it's gotta be even worse to get arrested on top of that."

 

Science Corner: How are holograms made?

 

We here at These Fries Are Good like to not just make you laugh, but also provide you with knowledge. So we employed a substitute teacher who lives a few doors down from us to answer your science questions:

 

Dear Gary,

How are holograms made? They’re amazing!

Thanks!

-Brad

———————————————————————————————————–

Hey Brad, that is a great question.  Holograms are made with lasers.  Next question!

JUST KIDDING.  Brad, I’m not gonna answer a great question like that with a ONE SENTENCE ANSWER!   But…if you are extremely short on time and weren’t looking to be shown any resemblance of respect, my wife could help you out.  You could ask her “How are holograms made?” and she’ll say “I’m not in the mood for science right now”.  But I’m not knocking her. In her defense,  she knows absolutely nothing about holograms OR lasers and would just end up making you LESS knowledgable than before and leave you wondering in amazement what she could have possibly eaten to make her breath smell so bad.

Holograms are made by first splitting a laser.  The lasers are split apart using a “beam splitter” An easy way to picture a beam splitter is to first imagine the laser as a “marriage”.  A strong, cohesive, unstoppable force.  Then imagine that “marriage laser” hitting an object made out of three solid years of unexplained bitterness, menacing glares, and just a horrible, horrible attitude and disposition in general.  As the laser hits this object, the once cohesive beam splits into two distinct separate beams that, if it didn’t already have two kids, would  DEFINITELY stay permanently separated (one beam would probably go live in Colorado for a few winters, work at a ski resort, and get in perfect shape, and the other beam would crawl back to her parents house and sit around getting fat. …or I guess I should say fatter.)

But in the case of a hologram,  one of the beams goes directly to the film and the other hits the object you want to make a hologram of.  The two different beams meet at the film and create an interference pattern.  This “interference pattern” is the basis of what creates the amazing 3D effect of a hologram.

There is some amazing hologram technology advancements on the horizon. This is only the beginning. Here’s a great animated simulation that will demonstrate that for you:

 

 

 

 

 

Why airports suck: A picture Gallery

I don’t mind flying, I just hate the airport.  It’s a terrible place filled with forced small talk and a mutual hatred between the people who work there, and everyday travelers.  I was stuck in the airport for about four hours longer than I needed to be.  While I was there, I bought a five dollar bag of trial mix, finished three magazines, and most likely contracted SARS.  If you hate dealing with shit at the airport, this gallery is for you.

"It's like that one OK GO video. Only way less exciting and we have to go to Cleveland after we wake up."

 

"Could you imagine if these had been around, we could have been deprived of Home Alone 2?'

 

"Ok kids, it's time to state our claim as creepiest family on the delayed flight to Denver!"

 

"Twilight sucks."

 

"Ma'am this isn't Southwest...You are going to have to put on some pants."

 

"Yeah, we'll just say how okay we are with him being gay in a sign, right at the airport! He'll totally think that's cool and not at all AWKWARD AS FUCK."

 

"Okay girls, daddy needs to take a little nap before a very serious business meeting where the bonus he could get could pay for your college..."

"Now no one comes in...no one goes out..."

 

"Fuckin' Chili's drink vouchers..."

Kevin thought he would lighten the mood with a simple, "At least buy me dinner first," joke. He then underwent an entire anal cavity search.