Fries for the Soul

Terry Michaels tells simple tales that uplift and inspire from within.  His stories reach all. Regardless of age, race, or religion.   He has a gift… And he shares his gift with the world.  

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While jogging along a cliffside trail one morning a women realized she had left the oven on in her house.  She frantically turned around and headed for home.  In haste, on her way home, she fell and skinned her knees.  She finally reached her house, quickly ran inside, and realized the oven wasn't on at all.  She ate some left over meatloaf, smoked a bong load and went coupon shopping.


wuuuuuv… twooo wuuuuuuuv…….


We asked D.L. Morrison to make us a picture gallery of people at weddings wearing silly hats. But, he started to go on and on about how 85% of the hats sold in the U.S. are now made in China with inhumane slave labor in factories that are destroying our planet.

So we said “FINE… then…make a gallery of people at weddings riding in ridiculous limos.” And he started going ON and fucking ON about how everyone willy-nilly throws 20 gallons of gas into our giant cars so we can help pollute the earth while we drive ourselves to the mall to get some dippin’ dots… Then he said something about gas companies and corporations and wars and lobbyists and …whatever…some other stuff. My mind went to ice cream land once he mentioned dippin’ dots.

So finally we said “FINE!!! …ASSHOLE!!  If you go get us some dippin’ dots you can write whatever the fuck you want to write. He countered with local organic ice cream that’s produced on a family owned farm. We said “OK.  That sounds delicious.” 


With gay marriage a major issue in yet another presidential election the media is doing the country a disservice by not reporting the bigger picture. The real question is, why would anyone, gay or straight want to get married in 2012?

Love, religion and children are common arguments loyalists use to defend marriage’s merits. True love between two people is beautiful and natural. So why invite the government into the relationship? Any twelve-year-old kid can tell you that courts and lawyers are to be avoided at all costs, but adults still line up to tie what can turn out to be a very expensive knot. The legal, financial, and emotional costs of a divorce take away one’s ability to threaten a break-up. Which leads to people ignoring unacceptable spousal behaviors.

Like doing yoga 3 times a day.

Marriage in America is hodepodge of outdated religious rituals. Don’t get me wrong, I have absolute faith in the power of the church with all of my heart. In the areas of fundraising, showmanship, degrading women, indoctrinating children, spreading fear and guilt, evading taxes, erecting palaces, donning ornate jewelry and costumery, and thwarting science, their international reach and expertise is unsurpassed. A truly astounding feat in this day and age.

"Just bring me one more handful of gold. I feel naked up here."

That being said the church is an extremely odd place to look for contempory guidance about relationships and sexual behavior.  If as a society we are going to cling onto cult ceremonies, should we bring back Mayan human sacrafices? …Televise it and do pay-per-text reality voting. The revenue could be used to lower corporate taxes.

At this point as a reader I bet you’re saying one of two things to yourself: “You are going to burn in hell!”, or, “KIDS! To raise children! THAT’S the point of getting married!”
I honestly believe I will spend eternity aflame…and burns hurt more than anything. Jesus chose a great deterant. But, since I’m super-brave, I will soldier on and deal with my punishment. Hedonism has a price folks.

As for kids, it’s a valid point. Human children are the most important resource. More important than the sun even. At least until they grow up and disappoint the family.

Homo sapiens did just fine rearing children for hundreds of thousands of years prior to the invention of matrimony.

There is one legitimate reason to wed.  As a means of financial and/or social climbing, marriage makes complete sense. The problem is hardly anybody has money anymore, and those that do have circled their luxury SUV’s and locked their gated communties. Plus as a man, the only obvious route to marrying money is being a back-up dancer for a pop-star and I don’t dance that well.

But I'm practicing everyday.

Anyway, its lights out at the facility at which I reside so I have to stop preaching against the practices of the preachers. I’ll leave you with several final words of advice: Under any circumstances never let any preists, ministers, rabbis, imams or any other self-proclaimed shamans play with your genitals.

Thursday Picture Gallery: 10 pictures of hard core goats



"Lets get out of here quick man!... her old man just got home."


Out of ALL of the animals on the farm, it is easy for anyone with at least an 8th grade education to conclude that the goats are the coolest. (Panthers don’t live on farms so don’t say “PANTHERS are cooler”.  I KNOW they are!!!!  … but I’m talking FARMS here.  So don’t even open your mouth.)

Goats are natural born weed eaters, they can produce up to 3 gallons of delicious creamy milk per day, AND, although science has yet to prove it, they are believed (at least by me) to have originated from a cross-breeding between a dog and a rabbit.  They are known for their non conformist, thrill seeking, outlaw tendencies. Goats are the Fonzies of the farm.  True free spirits, often seen speeding around on motorcycles… their wild hair and beards flowing in the wind…

Whats that? …    You say someone had sex with your wife, stole your Ipad and sped off in your Camaro, do ya?…   Bummer!    Well join the club my friend…   It was most likely a free-wheelin goat.


"Whoo hooo!!! Hit the jump bro!! Hit it!!

"Yeah get down there... don't worry, you'll get your meth."

"We got to make it to conert man, this LSD is wearing off and I'll kill my self if I miss Foghat"

"Hi is this Dr. Drew... Yeah hi!.. you guys can rehab goats right?"

"come on Carl just take me by the liquor store real quick... Ill be your best friend!"

You ever seen a cow or pig do this kinda shit?.. didn't think so..

GOATS do shit like that? ...I feel like I'm not living up to my potential.

"Trust me man, just tell them I'm your cousin from Nebraska"

Not really sure what kind of an animal this is, But... it's definitely hard core...and goat-y enough.


Emily "I wear pajamas to the grocery store" Maynard

So, I found something kinda sad today. There I was, just strollin’ the streets of Bermudaton, Bermuda, and I see this tiny book wedged between the bars of a child-sized cage. It was pretty mysterious and mostly illegible, but really touching. In fact, I’d love to share an excerpt:

Dear Diary,

So, Bermuda’s pretty wack. I mean, mom’s gone like 23 hours of the day. And, yeah, sure, she’s spun me in the air a couple times in various scenic locales but she totally didn’t even care when I mastered “the blue list.” (And it’s, like, the hardest list.) What’s that shit about? I did not sign up for destination parenting. This isn’t getting anyone mom points. Seriously…betch be cray callin this a vaycay.

Kisses and rainbows,


Yikes. Pretty miz, huh? I hope it gets better for the poor kid/prop.


Anyway…The Bachelorette Episode 4, by the numbers:

Potential suitors: 13

Bachelors that respond “sweet,” upon seeing their suite: 1. (Impressive self-control, boys.)

Episodes it took me to note that Alejandro is a MUSHROOM FARMER: 4. I’m not sure I can go on.

How much it would suck to come all the way to Bermuda just to go home, as calculated by Doug: “Alot”

How many times Doug says he would walk through the “moon gate” if he could: 100. 1 down, dude.

How many years a “moon gate” has been not-remotely-a-thing: 4.54 +/- 0.5 billion

Cloud # Doug finds himself on after Emily dictates a postcard: 9

Cloud # Doug travels to after he gets the rose: 9! OMGSAMECLOUD!

How gay Ryan thinks sailing is: super gay

# of sailing uniforms available in v-neck: 0. Rude.

Additional time required to distinguish between bachelors when they’re all wearing the same shirt: 126 seconds

Reasons that should’ve caused Emily to say “I feel like [Ryan]‘s judging me”: 4 minimum

1) Toasts her as “the trophy wife”

2) ”I like your butt as it’s been in the gym.”

3) “God designed you to be a beauitful woman so be a beautiful woman.”

4) “I want to know why you’re worthy.”

Dumbass reasons that actually caused her to fear he’s judging her: 1 –“He’s mad that I kissed someone else.”

Amount of people assigned to play with Ricki: 12

Amount of those people who are not people but baby chickens: 11

Number of ways of pronouncing the word “quinoa:” 1. And it ain’t “kwin-noah,” Nate.

Jurrasic Park installment used as the “cave” set: Jurassic Park III

Inches too high Jef’s blue socks go: 8. Knee-highs, Jef? Really?

Timestamp for long-hair-guy’s first appearance: 1 hour, 37 minutes

Timestamp for long-hair-guy’s first words: 25 minutes past no-rose-o’clock. But nice to meet you…uh…

Timestamp for when I found out long-hair-guy’s name: 26 minutes past no-rose-o’clock. Oh, Michael, I barely knew thee.


Fries for the soul

Terry Michaels tells simple tales that uplift and inspire from within.  His stories reach all. Regardless of age, race, or religion.   He has a gift… And he shares his gift with the world.  



Once, two kids who had lost their parents in a shopping mall wandered off looking for them. The kids returned to the car, but their parents were nowhere in sight.  The children began to cry.  Then, an old man noticed the two children and asked them what was the matter.  The kids said they were lost and scared.  The old man reached into his pocket and pulled out a broken calculator.  He told the two kids they were welcome to use his phone. The kids began to laugh, then the old man laughed, then he shit his pants.

Hey, Look, it’s the two worst people in the world!


Both of these girls would make AMAZING investment bankers.  I love how the second girls was just like “nah, fuck it, show my face.  I don’t need no picture scramblin’! I want people to know I’M ALL ABOUT MONEY.”  Also, if there were ever a better advertisement for Starbucks than this, I’d like to see it.  They robbed a nine year old girl scout and what’s the first thing they purchase?  GRANDE FRAPPACINO.  That would be awesome if this turns out to be a fake viral video for Starbucks.   VERY outside the box thinking by their ad agency.

Bad Babies

Babies are adorable. But sometimes they can be assholes.  They cry, they poop, they throw up, and occasionally, drink beer and give people the finger.   It must be hard being a parent to a vulgar baby.  I don't think there is a, “What to expect when you are expecting a child with a drinking problem,” book out there…yet!  Here are some babies that need a serious time out, or a stint in rehab.
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50 Shades of Beige: The Bachelorette (Episode 3), By the Numbers

On Mondays, we wear pink.

You guyssssss, I’m having problems. Like, I just don’t think Emily’s totally getting how this show works. You don’t actually come to The Bachelor franchise to find love. You “look for” love, mostly in or around hot tubs, bridges, and fantasy suites. Did you not do any homework for this, Emily? I didn’t suffer through a season of watching Ashley straddle anything with a lap just to watch you high-five on a ledge. So, get a move on it, homegirl. The people want their softcore porn. Anyhoo, to the task at hand…

The Bachelorette Episode 3, by the numbers:

Potential suitors: 16

Potential v-necks on screen when bachelors gather: unlimited

Number of new fantasies Chris thinks of after seeing that Emily “looks unbelievable in harnesses”: 5-6…At least, I hope they’re new.

New arguments that Chris Harrison is God: 1. Perfectly-timed lightning, bitches.

How long Chris says his “high school love” lasted: 6 years

How long it took Chris to graduate, according to my deductions: too long

Live country performances to date: 3

How much I love Wendy, the old, pervy, drunk friend: THE MOST

How many girls I want to see as the Bachelorette from now on: 1  (TEAM WENDY!!)

Number of children necessary to dub it a “stampede”: this many

Reasonable amount of strange men allowed to play with your children: 16

How deep a hole Ryan dug himself when he told Emily he wouldn’t “love on her” if she got fat: As deep as possible. And then 1000 acres below that.

Quantity of Icy Hot used by Tony in order to tear up at his son calling it “Nerf Caroline”: 6.5 dabs per eye

Number of suitors who are dads: 2

Number of dads sent home for being a dad: 1. But yeah, Em, you were totally just being a good person.

How zany-yet-sad it is that Dollywood is Emily’s “happiest place on earth”: zad beyond belief

Maximum amount of episodes before we figure out what’s wrong with Arie: 2.3. But, seriously, dude. You’re killin it.

Number of words it takes to win over America, as demonstrated by Kalon: 13 – “I love it when you talk but I wish you’d let me finish.” (Swoon.)

Number of rhymes left after Alejandro gets the boot: 1. Sean, don’t you dare do that to John.

My level of shock that a “party MC” named “Stevie” didn’t turn out to be the ideal father of your child: I mean…I think you get it.

Types of “men” in this world, according to this episode: 3 – ”physical men,” “manly men,” and “dainty men”

Number of MEN on The Bachelorette1. I see you, Chris Harrison. I see you and I like it.


Fries for the soul


Terry Michaels tells simple tales that uplift and inspire from within.  His stories reach all. Regardless of age, race, or religion.   He has a gift… And he shares his gift with the world. 




One Christmas a poor man was struggling to earn enough money so that he could afford a bike as a gift for his son. As Christmas Eve arrived, the man was still unable to acquire any money for the bike.  He was desperate and heartbroken. He prayed. That night a miracle happened, while returning home from the liquor store, some drunk hooker gave him a BJ in the alley. 


Memorial Day Picture Gallery: Barbecue Time

Whatever. Your MOM'S a shopping cart. ...This is the portable barbe-cube 5000.

Hey Earth, get with the times.   Today is the first day of summer. And that's that.  Adjust your axis so that everything finally coincides and people don't have to say that it's not “technically” summer yet.

Today is Memorial Day which means it's time to remember all of the soldiers who have lost their lives in battle. …the same way we celebrate every other summertime holiday…by drinking whichever canned beer is on sale at Ralph's, and barbecuing.

Today is the day your fat neighbor fires up his 4 burner propane grill that he named “The Hulk” and throws on his XXXL “Kiss The Cook” T-shirt while you search for your little black barbecue for 25 minutes that your wife thinks you might have thrown away, but you swear you didn't… and when you FINALLY find it on the side of your house under a broken kayak you have to stop and have a deep heart-to-heart with yourself over whether it is even fucken worth it to pull it out and deal with all the spiders.

Put on some gloves. Pull it out and dust it off.  It can't be worse than these:

The only way to cook brontosaurus ribs. Seriously. Its the only way.

Just a good idea. Plain and simple.

OBVIOUS barbe-cube 5000 knock off.