Plies Tweets

 

Plies is a rapper most famous for his 2009 hit song “Becky” which is basically a four minute ballad about falatio. Until verry recently, I had not heard much from this artist, until I started following him on twitter. I feel that Plies’ brilliance  simply can not be confined to 140 characters, so please follow me, as I delve into the mind of this modern day Socrates. This is the first installment of: Plies Tweets.

On March 1, 2012, around 10:20 am, it appears that Plies has found himself in the midst of some sort of conondrum, leaving him no other option but to tweet: “My understanding is ZERO…”

Plies wanted to make it clear that whatever occured that morning did not leave him with a simple MIS-understanding, but that his understanding was, and I quote the man himself, “ZERO”. Nada, nil, nix, blank, zip, and zot are some other synonyms.

As we all know, there is much more to Plies than meets the eye. Perhaps he was not merely refering to one incident, but rather, the notion of understanding humanity’s ever changing predicament…?  Perhaps all of our understanding is  ”ZERO”.

Until next time, friends, always live your life with Plies simple motto:

“I got ‘bought 80 stacks in my pockets right now bruh bruh.”

Dear Suze Orman…

Dear Suze Orman,

First of all, I want to say I am a huge fan…of talking to people like they’re dumb also. But you do it better… AND on TV! Everybody knows that a sizable portion of the populace enjoys being talked down to, but you’ve found a way to monetize it. What a genius power play to capitalize on the fears of aging, greedy people. I applaud your sassy confidence, however I regrettably feel obligated to point out some flaws in your financial planning advice. The biggest red flag I’ve never heard mentioned is:

“What if a person dies before retirement or soon thereafter?”

The Grim Reaper makes no guarantees. That sounds negative and morbid…..just like cable news. It’s a valid consideration.

For argument’s sake, let’s say a person does indeed survive into retirement. How long do they have to enjoy it? The life expectancy of an average American is around 78 years. The average age of retirement is about 65. Your advice calls for people to save their money from age 25 to 65 so they can have more for when they retire? Save when you’re young and able for when you’re old and DIS-abled? That sounds like an awful idea, like buying bulk foods and putting it somewhere inaccessible for a few decades… except in the 401(k) version the human spoils.

What if my dick doesn’t work anymore? Even if Cialis coaxes it upright, what quality of women will have sex with me? Since I will certainly be out of testosterone and adrenaline by then, it’s doubtful I will have the physical ability to pursue action sports as a senior citizen. Probably won’t want to take very many chances period.

"I'd try a little spin trick...BUUUUUT ...If I fall I turn to dust."

 

Fine, I’ll just relax, drinking and smoking, but how will my body handle intoxicants at that age?

"you wanna hit this, youngen?"

I know you Suze, you are thinking, “But very few Americans lead a life that involves physical agility and risk-taking. We like the safety of being indoors.”

FINALLY livin' the dream.

That’s true, but what if your mind starts to go? Then what? I feel sorry for the suckers that save up for three or four decades and upon getting to the finish line are already suffering from Alzheimer’s disease, a stroke, a bad heart, or diabetes, etcetera, etcetera.

"If I go waterskiing, will this arm get torn off? Be honest. ...It will?? Fuck. Dammit. OK."

How many new nonsensical laws will Congress have cooked up in next thirty years? What shape will the natural world be in? How many more billions of humans will be competing for food and water?

"12 bucks. Take it or leave it."

Call me crazy, but when making decisions I pretend the media doesn’t exist. That way I can base choices on my own personal feelings and experiences, instead of what a for-profit business enterprise is telling me. Sorry Suze, but in my brain, the present is way more important than anything that happens thirty years from now. To me, saving for retirement is a fear-based marketing scan put forth by highly educated Wall Street banker-robbers so they have more chips to gamble.

"Fuck it. It's not my money."

Any extra money I obtain will always be blown on traveling and having fun as opposed to going into business with a bunch of snobby, dollar-crazed, Ivy-League sociopaths.

Sincerely,

D.L. Morrison

Thursday Photo Gallery: Disgustingly Delicious Cakes

The other day this photo surfaced from a couple’s wedding in Georgia:

"You know how we should commemorate our love? Roadkill."

Apparently, the couple attended Georgia Tech and have a totally rational hatred for another school that they simply decided not to go to, thus, justifying a disturbing wedding cake that would make every member of PETA crap their pants. I mean, I get not liking another school, but having a cake like this is just wrong. So here are a few other cakes that don’t really scream “celebrate!” as a cake usually would. You know what? Screw it, I bet that thing is delicious, cut me a paw.

"He was premature. The chef said he needed another 10 minutes at 350 degrees."

"I'm looking for a cross between Chewbacca and the abominable snowman from that Rudolph Christmas claymation movie they show every year. ...Aaaannnd if you could make him confident and relaxed...and delicious."

 

Alright, this actually does justify a little celebrating.

 

"Sorry honey they ran out of Princesses so I went with Darth Vader. Way cooler though, right?" -Dad's everywhere

"Alright how many candles do we need? Four, right? God, they grow up so fast!"

"Ted your feet are disgusting. This was the best way to tell you. Oh yea, happy birthday, kind of."

 

"Well honey, Daddy couldn't afford a pony...but he could afford this cake based on a classic scene from Frances Ford Coppola's 'The Godfather'! Stop crying, it's a great movie!"

 

"Well Chris, if this doesn't prepare you, I just don't know what will!"

 

"What did you pass out for? That's your birthday cake! What do you need a bucket for?"

 

"Congrats on the greatest athletic achievement of your life...you probably wouldn't have eaten this anyway thought, right?"

 

'Wow she REALLY loves that cake! Girls and their fantasies, right?"

 

"Oh my God...this is the grossest thing I've ever seen...I'd like a corner please."

 

"Babe I told you you still look sexy! Look at how your boobs look!"

 

"Thanks you guys! I love you t...what do you mean 'finally'?!"

 

"I'm not THAT old..."

 

I'm tired too...gallery, done.

 

Saving Music, One Collaboration at a Time

I was in my car the other day and heard the DJ say, “Alriiiiiiight here’s that HOT new hit from Maroon 5 and Wiz Khalifa ‘Payphone’!”  First of all, let me just say that if a song is played on the same station 105 times a day, for like three weeks, it’s not that new.  Second, hearing the band ‘Maroon 5′ and ‘Wiz Khalifa’ mentioned together is absolutely hilarious.  It got me thinking, what are some other unlikely musical pairings are possibly out there that would make your local radio DJ say something like: “Oh daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!  Here’s that hot new joint that got ALL the ladies going crazy on the dance floor!” (I’ve actually heard a radio personality say this before…)

Adele and DMX

 

Adele is hot right now.  Everyone loves her music, but she has a bad ass side to her that is just BEGGING to come out.  That is why a rap/ballad with rapper DMX would be perfect.  Imagining the music video:

Enter Adele in a beautiful black gown.  Singing softly as pure rain sprinkles down.  Enter DMX with two forties of Miller High Life.  He gets shot. It doesn’t faze him AT ALL,  and then they lay into a SICK freestyle about fighting Pit Bulls and smacking hookers with their ring hands.

The Prince of Darkness and Brittney Spears

 

I’m surprised that this hasn’t happened yet to be honest.  I miss the CRAZY Brittney.  The one who shaved her head, attacked a car with an umbrella, and flashed her downstairs to America via TMZ.  Let’s get her and Ozzy off the wagon of health and back onto the wagon of great TV and mediocre music!

Kelly Clarkson and the Tupac hologram

 

Aside from Kelly Clarkson’s obvious new found love for Oreo Cakesters, the girl’s got pipes!  ”Since You’ve Been Gone,” is probably the gayest song that I’m not ashamed to love.  It’s title is also perfect for Tupac’s creepy/innovative/still pretty creepy corpse hologram to enter during a live Kelly & Tupac concert!  Then the two can come out with a fitness DVD.  WEST SAHYEEEEED!

Joe Jonas and Lil Wayne

 

The best thing about this pairing is that…it already happened.  Seriously.  The song is called “Just in Love”.  Listen to it, but have two forks on hand to jam into your ears.  What do you think a conversation between these two was like?

Joe: “Hey Wayne, nice to meet you! I’m such an oober doober fan of yours!”

Weezy:  ”Who are you? Where am I?  And where’s my purple drank?”

And finally…Taylor Swift and Dr. Dre

 

When I hear Taylor Swift on the radio I immediately think, “You know what’s missing here?  An enormous terrifying black man!”  I feel like Dre could really bring T-Swift some serious street-cred.  I mainly just want this to happen so I can hear country radio stations try to describe what the hell this is to their listeners before playing it.

50 SHADES OF BEIGE: THE BACHELORETTE (EPISODE 6), BY THE NUMBERS

Awww. "Humble Doug."

Oh, Emily. You think you can fool me but you can’t. Obviously you had to keep this guy. To reject someone with a great nickname like that? That would be very shocking. Sorry. Big word. Let’s see if someone can unpack that for you…Ryan?

“That is very shocking because I would not have seen that coming.” - Ryan, editor-in-chief of Ryan Explains Stuff

So, Em, thanks for proving again that you’re such a “good judge of character.” I mean, have you seen that face?! Who wouldn’t keep him around?! (In all seriousness though, I do like your forearms, Doug. Pleasure to have you on board.)

…Sorry, where were we? I’ve lost track of my thoughts. It’s just really loud at THE GUN SHOW.

Oh. Right. The Bachelorette Episode 6, by the numbers:

Potential suitors: 8

Possible rebuttals to Jef’s assertion that “Croatia is the perfect place to fall in love:” 195

The amount of tardies Travis, who wears Birkenstocks, must have: 38 tardies. By far the most tardies in the class.

Number of readers who win my heart by getting the above reference: …..? (Let’s see those posts. Mom, you first.)

Additional topless shots Emily requires from Travis: AT LEAST 1

 “Travis stood on [the wall] but he didn’t take off his shirt. I’m really bummed out Travis didn’t take his shirt off. I’ve been wondering, like, what’s underneath his shirt and I feel like I gave the perfect set-up for it.”

Score of the one-on-one date for Travis: 10

…Total possible points on Travis’s scale: 8

…Number of boxes Travis will be contained in: 0!

Amount of words ideal for cushioning the blow of having no romantic appeal, as demonstrated by Emily’s sendoff to Travis: 2 – “Bye, Honey.”

Number of corporations who fucked us all out of valuable v-neck time: 2. Disney/Pixar, this is neither the time nor the place.

Which cheerleader Jef looks like in a tank top and a skirt: #1! You’re the HEAD cheerleader!!!!!

Percent of viewers thinking the exact same thing when Doug proclaimed, “It feels like we’re in Scotland. Which is a little confusing ‘cuz we’re in Croatia…Whatever. I’ll go with it:” 97.95%

The number of adjectives worthy of the experience of watching Jef try to carry a log: 1 = DELIGHTFUL.

Number of remaining suitors who fly in the face of Emily’s claim, “I don’t care about big muscles…That’s not impressive to me:” 5. I really do believe she likes you for your personality, Jef.

Minimum number of blanket huddles per episode: 8

Minimum number of blankets-per-huddle for Jef: 3. The delicate are easily chilled.

Number of snarky lines I have to offer about Arie kissing Emily against that wall: I…um…I…ya know…sweaty

Days a year Ryan wonders who he wants to be that day: 365

Days a year Ryan decides to be President of Dickwad, Minnesota: 365

Men other than Ryan who have been accused of “plucking his finger hairs” in the history of the earth: 0. Not a thing, Chris. Not a thing.

Number of lesbians who look like Justin Bieber: 1 = Jef in an American Apparel zip-up FOR THE WIN.

Percent certain I am in my understanding of what the crazy old Croatian man was saying: 110%. (Got ears like a coyote.)…And I quote:

“Smiley picture younger partisan Myra’s café latte yeah get her a bank in San Francisco.”

Things on Ryan’s list for his future wife: 12

…Number he skips: 3 (between #2 Logical and #4 An Encourager)

…Number of non-synonymous qualities he squeezes into #8: 3 – “Magnetic, loves to laugh, someone that’s a servant.”

How many thoughts Ryan has about the rose on the table during his date: 2

(1.)There it is. (2.)It’s been there.”

Brilliance of Emily’s explanation, “It’s hard for me to put into words what I feel and what I think because a lot of it doesn’t make any sense and none of it is very logical.”: BE.YOND. BRILL.IANT.

How much fun the editors had with Ryan’s line, “For you guys who cut this up, you do a good job of portraying exactly who I am and not, ya know, an arrogant ass:” OODLES 

Percent of balls that left their after-hours visit in Emily’s bedroom colored by a royal shade of blue: 100% 

Timestamp when Chris Harrison finally shows up for work: 1 hour 53 minutes. Guess somebody’s 2Kewl4Kroatia. (But really. Don’t do that to me again.)

Your degree of certainty in your answer to the following question: FILL IN THE BLANK

Place the quote in its appropriate context: “I’ve had this in my wallet since 1999.”

Is it A) JOHN explaining his grandparents’ funeral card or B) JEF explaining his Fire + Ice condom?

Mystery biddies lurking in the alley with Chris: 1. But really. Who dat?

How many rules there are, as Chris Harrison has told Emily “from the beginning:”

How many guys Emily keeps because there are no rules in the episode where the rules say to keep 6 guys: 6

…I mean. Bravery.

Fries for the Soul

Terry Michaels tells simple tales that uplift and inspire from within.  His stories reach all. Regardless of age, race, or religion.   He has a gift… And he shares his gift with the world.  

 

SENSIBILITY

There once was a tiger mom who had lost all of her cubs during birth. She became very depressed and stopped eating, her health quickly declined. The zookeeper decided he would try dressing up five suckling pigs in tiger skin and attempt to trick the mom.  His plan worked, he got laid by the chick who worked at the icee stand.

Occupy a math class.

There has been a glut of coverage about the richest 1% of American society on the TV. Personally, I am sick of it….because it’s a chickenshit argument. To have an honest debate based on a statistic, the numbers need to be more accurate.  There are roughly 320 million Americans, 1% would be 3.2 million. Think about that, 3+ million Kings and Queens. My guess is that there aren’t even 50,000  influential citizens in the whole world. Do you think the elites would distribute their wealth in such a reckless, haphazard manner? Grow up.

In the United States, the real number of Diamond-class Citizens is probably closer to 32,000 or .0001% of the population. If planning to attend an extended urban campout/protest, please use .0001% and 99.9999%, so it will appear that the participants of the moral fest comprehend mathematics.

"Don't be so humble. You're greater than that."

The other problem with lambasting Capitalism’s royals is the .0001% of Americans who do actually have a vote in our society treats the 99.9999% much better than their foreign counterparts. If Americans bothered to travel internationally they would better understand and appreciate that truth. Since this is the internet and most web denizens are either:  ADHD, high, just plain “slow” or have been failed by public schools, I’ve created a list to make it easier for you to follow along.

REASONS AMERICAN PEASANTS HAVE IT GOOD

  1. Only about 1 in every 100 American adults is locked up. Which if you ask me is pretty good odds….gambling odds. Granted in the United States 4% of the world’s population incarcerates 25% of the total global prisoners, but that’s taking a negative view. Prisons create jobs. BOOM! And as society locks more people up, employment rates go down. Win win.

"hmmm. This is a pretty chill job. ...My face gets all sweaty though. Hey Carl, Does your chin get all itchy?? ...Mine does."

  1. As long as they can afford a car, registration, insurance and gas poor people have full access to America’s beautiful road system for free.* It’s not like rich people have their own Zil lane, Soviet style. The megalomaniacs do have their own planes and airports, but they earned that.

*Poorer appearing cars and occupants attract greater scrutiny from law enforcement leading to more tickets, fines, arrests, legal fees, etc.

  1. Other than cell phones, car GPS’s, OnStar overseers, satellites, drones, helicopters, police patrols, internet usage records, social media profiles and omnipresent closed-circuit video cameras there just isn’t widespread surveillance of America’s lower caste. Everybody thought Big Brother would have implanted microchips inside poor people by now, but they haven’t. Explain that conspiracy theorist!  I’m waiting…….

"Aliens. Next question."

  1. Upwards of half of the experimental pharmaceuticals currently doping the masses work somewhat as stated, without too, too many harsh side effects….usually. Who are you and I to question doctors? They went to school for a really long time AND they took an oath.

 By now you’ve realized that whining about the gentry is unpatriotic. I’m proud of you kid. The next time you feel the world is full of injustice, just take a few deep breaths, pop open a piss beer, unwrap your fast food, turn on some meaningless game or reality TV show and bask in its bluish glow…… and please shut the fuck up about the .0001%.

"OK. THIS is living."

God wants the world to be exactly the way it is, protesting his will is the worst sin of all.

"I was watching the new Dallas. Don't try to change the channel."

Thursday picture gallery: 11 odd beachgoers

 

"God dammit Jeffery! Get back here! I told you the Snorks aren't real"

Summer time is finally here!… I’ve suffered through another California winter, bundled up in T shirt upon T shirt.

We all  know what summertime  entails. Barbeques, bikinis, poolside forties, a freezer full of Otterpops, and OF COURSE enjoying the beach with the rest of the freaks.

"Lets get outta here White Ninja! Before the cops get here, I think that reverse atomic flying clothesline might have paralyzed that guy"

 

The most realistic silly putty statue ever...

 

"I saw it first! Its mine ok? everybody agrees right? once we get it to the parking lot its mine."

 

Im pretty sure its time to stop working out when you have to wear a bra to support your man boobs

 

"I said.. I said.. I said.. Ughhhh... Looking fo a shuspenda sheee"

 

Dont you love the summer time when you can go to the beach wearing practically nothing...

 

funanananana.. Quantom leap... "Ziggy where am I?"

 

"No officer, I havent seen a man of that description at all today"

 

"Bro, did you put sunscreen on?"

 

"No glass on the beach you son of a bitch!!"

 

 

 

 

The Best of Yahoo Answers

The other day, I found myself with a song stuck in my head. I don't know whether I heard it on the radio, in a commercial, or in the background at a crowded restaurant. All I knew was that there was only one place to turn to find out the name of this catchy tune: Yahoo Answers. While on this magnificent display of Internet age communication, I stumbled across some incredible questions and answers delivered by the public, for the public. Today I share with you the Hall Of Fame of Yahoo Answers*.
%%anc%%

*None of these are doctored or photoshoped AT ALL. These are all very, very real.

I'm going to have to agree with Hennessy. He has a source and everything.

China wins again.

If spaghetti was the best answer...what was the worst?

Another one for China...

This is why MTV shouldn't be a thing.

3-0 China

I hate myself because I own Skyrim, and I know what he is talking about...

All right China! YOU WIN! And I don't really follow American Idol either.

zp8497586rq
zp8497586rq

50 SHADES OF BEIGE: THE BACHELORETTE (EPISODE 5), BY THE NUMBERS

Thank you, ABC. Thank you with all my heart.

Oh, dear Emily, you wily minx. Just when I’m sure you’re nothing but a prude ice-queen bitch, you go all Stratford-Upon-Avon and turn my shit upside down. Alas, my darling, I find you to be a prude ice-queen BAD ASS MOTHER FUCKER. (A BAMFlorette, if you will.) Now, if you weren’t watching the verbal smackdown on Kalon last night…well, I don’t get what you were doing. But you probably think I’m being facetious. Not tonight. Not with this performance. Not upon hearing the words, ”I wanna go out there and rip his limbs off and beat him with them.” Oh no, this is sincere. This is the discovery of our very own Million Dollary Baby Mama. This is a new dawn. But I don’t wanna count my chickens before they hatch a cap on yo’ ass, so let’s regroup…

 

Ladies and gentlemen (and whatever Jef is) -

The Bachelorette Episode 5, by the numbers:

Potential suitors: 10

Average inches Jef’s hair gains in height per week: .52″ 

How much of Jef’s mousse budget should be allocated to purchasing an additional “f”: 100%

How many cue cards Emily used to teach Sean about St. Paul’s Cathedral, Westminster Abbey, and Henry VIII: approx. 37

How many things it takes to be with someone, in The World According to Arie: 2

1. “You kind of learn what they’re into.”

2. “Maybe you’ll get into that.”

Number of actual reasons Emily likes Sean: 1

Number of different ways she phrases said reason: at least 4 – “good-looking,” “hot,” “handsome,” “should be boring”

How many kids Sean wants, according to his response “1 or 2, 3, 4, 6, 10,” assuming his answer was meant as a lump sum: 24. No, sorry. 24 or 25.

Drafts of Romeo + Juliet Kalon had to track down for the line, ”That rose doesn’t smell so sweet at all. To me, it smells like shit:” 5…ish.

How many guys Emily kisses while sick: 4

How many possible diseases Sean, Ryan, Arie, and Jef have been exposed to before now: unlimited

How long it took for cast members to win the fight to read their lines on camera rather than memorize them: 16 seasons of The Bachelor + 7 seasons, 5 episodes, and 32 minutes of The Bachelorette. Those krazy kids finally unionized!

Number of t-shirts sold featuring Travis’s line, “Shakespeare is huge in Madison, Mississippi”: 1. I bought it. And I wear it everyday underneath all my clothes.

The rotation of my brain after hearing Doug worry, “I don’t wanna sound like an idiot. Especially, in front of an audience”: 360-degree spin

Words it takes before you, too, can get WVHB (see above), like Emily: 4 — “GET. THE. FUCK. OUT.” …Or, if you’ll allow me to elaborate: “Hey, Kalon. I’m handing out roses and ass-whoopin’s and I’m all out of roses.”

How sad I was when Emily and Jef abandoned Jean at her etiquette lesson: you don’t even understand

The requisite length of pause following Jef I’m-Presumably-Heterosexual Holm’s analogy, “If Ricki’s baggage, then she’s a Chloe handbag that I wanna have forever”: 3 to 30,000 minutes. But no, Em, you’re right: He’s just “really hard to read.”

Ladies equipped to wrap this up, as we say farewell to Alejandro: 1.

I know that we are young.

And I know you may love me.

But I just can’t be with you like this anymore,

Alejandro.

…Like I could resist that. Thanks, LG.