WITH THIS ROSE, I THEE BED: BACHELOR PAD (SEASON FIN-AHH-LE), BY THE NUMBERS

Kalon + Lindzi + Me = Sometimes dreams really do come true. (Except when it’s Rachel’s dream.)

Dear Rachel,

Oy.

Best wishes on all your future endeavors,

Emily

P.S. But did you hear I met Kalon and Lindzi and we’re best friends forever now?!?! Because that happened and we are. And they’re totally reading this right now and texting me the entire time about how funny and perfect I am. (You guys, seriously. I’m trying to focus.) So, this one’s goin’ out to them…

…Sorry, Rach, it’s also partially to you. Least I can do after your life just REALLY fell apart there. Like seriously the worst things that could’ve happened happening all at once. Like your life just got really epically miserable very quickly and in front of millions of viewers. So, as I said, least I can do.

Bachelor Pad Season Finale, by the numbers:

Remaining contestants: 4

Remaining contestants anyone ever really liked at all: 1 – Rachel…Irony.

Extra “h”‘s Chris Harrison adds to the word “finale”: at least 2

Number of times Chris Harrison says “finahhle” in this finale: 9

= Math: at least 18 unnecessary “h”‘s

Accessories it takes to make Erica Rose and her plexiglass hammer/scepter look utterly normal, as demonstrated by the gypsy-at-a-New-Year’s-rave to her right (Jamie): 3

1) Symmetrical glitter face tatoos

2) Earrings with at least 9 shrunken CD-Roms per lobe

3) What can only be described as a Rhinestone Hair G-String

Types of crazy that should describe everything, always, forever: 1

“This season was alotta-alcohol crazy.” - Michael

Beloved comfort food that can also be used to describe Blakely, according to Blakely: 1

“I’m gonna be an emotional banana sandwich.”

How badly I want to join Chris Harrison in the hot seat: YOU GUYS DON’T KNOW HOW GOOD YOU HAVE IT

According to Jaclyn, what the whole Rachel drama is: “1 of those ‘forgive and never forget.’”

Other ones of those “forgive and never forget:” 0. Because that’s not a thing, nor a full sentence.

Fingers Jaclyn used to put quotations around “best friends” when describing her former relationship with Rachel: 4. That’s full quotation. Ouch.

Times Bachelor Pad has made anyone believe in love before Blakely’s sincerely (REALLY!) adorable speech: 1. Opposite day.

Words necessary to insert into a description to make it utterly condescending: 1

“This apparently amazing man, Tony.” – Chris Actually-Amazing-Man Harrison

Items on Blakely’s list of why she loves Tony that really means anything to me: 1 — “…And he has cable.”

Seconds Blakely paused (in silent prayer for an altered reality) between “I’m moving to…” and “…Portland, Oregon:” 4

Gasps I’m not too proud of this evening: 1, the “OMG-HE’S-PROPOSING?!” gasp

Gasps I’m totally fine with this evening: 1, the “OMG-HE’S-PUTTING-NEIL-LANE-ON-HANDS-WITH-AVRIL-BLUE-POLISH?!” gasp (…And that is how Blakely won Bachelor Pad.)

How to interpret Michael’s explanation to Rachel, “When I kissed you, I liked you.” 1 = “I was horny and you were there.”

What % Rachel was falling in love with Michael, in her own way-too-truthful words: 100%

What % Michael was falling in love with Rachel, in his own way-too-truthful words: 0%

What % of shit in Rachel’s life is hitting the fan at this point: 50% of the shit (Wait for it.)

Number of people calling Chris a goddamn slut since the show: 3 — his sister, his father, ME. (Ya goddamn slut.)

Thoughts I had about Nick before the last 10 minutes of the finahhle: 1 - “Who is Nick? Oh, he must be one of the Night Ranger guys.”

Thoughts I had about Nick after he suddenly became the human embodiment of evil: 1 - “Why is the guy from Night Ranger such a dick?”

Rachel’s SHIT : FAN ratio by the end of the finahle: 1 : 1

The least comforting words Rachel will ever hear: 3

“BP3! Anything goes!” – Nick Fucking-Schmuck

The second least comforting words Rachel will ever hear: 6

“But I met Kalon and Lindzi!” – *this guy*

 

WITH THIS ROSE, I THEE BED: BACHELOR PAD (EPISODE 7), BY THE NUMBERS

 

Us too, Sarah. Us too.

So, I wasn’t planning on writing about this episode…I’d like to say it’s because I’m super busy or super popular or super rebellious. And, I mean, I’m usually all those things. But last week I was just feeling super lazy. But then…this episode. It was like I’d died and gone to heaven, delivered on the wings of guyliner-ed doves and manscara-ed angels. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined this show would reach such heights of perfection. Even while my ears produced an alarming amount of blood, I felt no pain. So, thank you, ABC…Thank you, Night Ranger…And most of all, thank you, Bachelor Pad costume department. You have brought joy to America.

THOUGH WHY THE FUCKING FUCK WASN’T CHRIS HARRISON WEARING LEATHER?! THIS WAS OUR MOMENT!

Anyway, to the bat(shitcray)cave!

Bachelor Pad Episode 7, by the numbers:

Remaining contestants: 8

Duration of banishment from The Bachelor Pad when you lose, according to Chris Harrison: FOREVERRR

Duration of banishment from The Bachelor Pad when you lose, according to ABC, as evidenced by Erica Rose and Blakely: ONE SEASONNN

Episodes lapsed since previous mention of “hot sludge fundae:” 4. That’s far too many

Names contestant Chris meant to say when he described “Sarah” as “an unstoppable force with an incredible amount of knowledge on Bachelor and Bachelor Pad: AHEMMMMM

SPF used by Jaclyn or Nick, to date: 0

Interest in Jaclyn and Nick, to date: 0. Lather up or die alone, kids.

What point we’re at in Night Ranger’s career after their star-turn on Bachelor Padlow-ish(?)

Number of Ed’s “creative moves” described on camera: 1

How many creative moves I know he has in him: 500,000 million. Editors, a word please?

Minimum number of bowls smoked by Nick and Rachel’s singing coach, “the pianist from Glee,” before teaching them to “be a unicorn and smell soup:” 4.5

Years it takes before you too can have your “karaoke Ph.D.” like Ed: 2. But it’s really more of a lifetime of academia.

Though she claims it’s “not my priority,” where “hitting a high C” surely ranks in Rachel’s to-do list: Top 5, easy.

Contestants who find the opportunity to bring up “motorboating” on this show: 1. Really, guys?! That’s it?! Nick, you’ve outplayed them all.

Number of bleeps necessary to exhibit true frustration: 3. Yo, Ed, I think Nick and Rachel’s singing coach could give you something for your nerves.

Words I can muster in reaction to Jaclyn’s statement that her karaoke rendition of Sister Christian will be “the most important 24 hours of my life thus far:” 2 — Oh…Honey.

How meta it is that “fan” contestant Sarah has fans in the concert audience: hella meta

Number of writers who could have come up with Chris’s line, “Hopefully, I don’t sweat off my arms:” 0. This is as real as it gets.

Number of undone buttons it takes for Chris Harrison to let loose: 1

Number of buttons remaining unjustly buttoned: TOO MANY, CHRIS. TOO MANY.

Members of Night Ranger on the judging panel: 3

Members of Night Ranger heretofore recognized: 0

Members of Night Ranger thereafter relevant: 0

How many lines it took for me to forget what I mean when I say “Night Ranger”: 3

Proper ways to react to Sarah’s performance: numerous, but especially–

“I can’t tell if Sarah is dancing or if there is something legitimately wrong with her. I’m about to call the medic. Somebody help us.” – Jaclyn

“Sarah looked like a monkey that was being electrocuted on stage by some kind of thunder bolt coming down on her.” – Ed

Proper ways to show you’ve officially LOST IT, as detailed by thunder-electrocution-monkey Sarah: 1

“I think that we’re just really good at stuff is what’s going on.”

BFF pairs in episodes 1-6: 1. Jaclyn + Rachel 4LYFE.

BFF pairs after Rachel TOTALLY BACKSTABS HER BESTIE FOR A GUY SHE DOESN’T EVEN LIKE EVEN THOUGH JACLYN ALWAYS HAD HER BACK AND LIKE NEVER EVER BETRAYED HER AND TOTALLY STUCK BY HER THROUGH THICK AND THIN AND WAS JUST SO CLEARLY TOO GOOD FOR THAT BITCH: Sorry. What was I counting?

Years Jaclyn was in a sorority (and fucking RULED it), based on the below reaction to Rachel: 4

“What a bitch! Go fuck yourself! I want nothing to do with her ever again. Like she’s [BETCHES-WHO-BLEEP] honestly. She’s a peace of shit…I’m mad at myself for believing she was a friend…She’s dead to me.”

Days Rachel lasted in sorority rush, based on the below reflection on Jaclyn: 1. At most.

 “I feel like I was a disloyal friend…I don’t think that was the right decision.”

No, Rachel. I don’t think it was. And something tells me (like, unfair hindsight, perhaps), karma’s gonna be a bitch…[SEE NEXT POST WHERE RACHEL GETS SHIT HANDED TO HER LIKE SHIT'S NEVER BEEN HANDED TO ANYONE]

 

 

Football is BACK!

Football is finally back, and not a moment too soon! I was running out of excuses for skipping religious and family obligations. It is time for another season of false hope for most of us, paired with a mutual hatred for Bill Belichick. Here are a few of my favorite football follies that have me excited for another disappointing season for my favorite team.

“But Coach, I don't want to be number 93. I've been 98 my entire life. I'm a huge Mike Ditka fan! Why do I have to wear 93?”
“Don't argue with me Berry! Just do it!”

“OH-EMM-GEE I totally hooked up with Sparky last night!” -Soroity girl of Oregon

“Haha! That's amusing! I almost don't mind that it's -10 outside!”

Kickers can NOT catch a break.

“Punt team! We're shy 3 men out there! Where are 'Moore', 'Goode', and 'Dick'! I need 'Moore, Goode, Dick'!”

“Strike! Strike! Strike!”

“God damnit I hate you…”
“I hate you so much…”

“I always wondered what ESPN stood for…”

A punter's revenge…

“I almost won the Heisman…what happened to me?!”

“I could be a replacement ref…looks like a sweet gig…”

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Plies Tweets

Plies is a rapper most famous for his 2009 hit song “Becky” which is basically a four minute ballad about fellatio. Until very recently, I had not heard much from this artist, until I started following him on twitter. I feel that Plies’ brilliance  simply can not be confined to 140 characters, so please follow me, as I delve into the mind of this modern day Socrates. Here is the most recent installment of, Plies Tweets.

This recent statement from our dear friend Plies shows his indifference towards the Algebra II class that he had to take in high school. As you all know, Plies is very gifted in his rhymes and flows about bitches, so naturally he had very high marks in high school English. His 11th grade English teacher Mrs. Ashton actually called him, “The e.e. cummings of our generation.”

He also received very high marks in History. In fact, his song “Goons Lurkin” is actually an allusion to the trench warfare fighting technique that was highly utilized during World War I.

But dear Plies just was not a fan of Algebra II. It's been reported that he would often ask his teacher, “Why we need this shit doeee?” as he did not feel that it was pertinent to a lucrative career in the rap game. Luckily for us, it was not.

Until next time folks, always live your life by this simple Plies motto:

“Asked her what da problem. She said your fuckin' awesome.”

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WITH THIS ROSE, I THEE BED: BACHELOR PAD (EPISODE 6), BY THE NUMBERS

[Soundtrack provided by Sarah McLachlan]

Dear Bachelor Pad producers/writers/pervy-puppeteers,

You did a brave thing last night. You took frothy, soft-core porn and elevated it to social commentary, creating a platform for public discourse. The first-annual Bachelor Pad Spelling Bee gave a surgically-enhanced face to one of the gravest dilemmas in our nation’s history, and it is a cause that can no longer go overlooked. As we’ve learned time and time again, we must recognize the problem before we can work towards a solution. So, let the silence end now as we acknowledge this undeniable truth:

Reality stars are really pretty and really stupid.

R-E-A-L-L-Y.

Need convincing? How about some quantitative data, in the form of, Bachelor Pad Episode 6, by the numbers? Fine. If you insist…

 

Remaining contestants: 10

Individual identities stolen, as now competing in teams: 10

Individual identities prior to “new format”: 1. Ed truly is an island.

Chris’s core qualities, as pointed out by Blakely: 3 – “Shady, manipulative, and dirty.”

What we call the aforementioned qualities here at Bachelor Pad: THE TRIFECTA.

Men who wore suits to the spelling bee: 1. Chris Harrison, you are a gentleman among scoundrels.

Viewers shocked at Blakely’s admission, “School is not my strong suit:” 0

Viewers shocked at Tony’s admission, “I probably couldn’t even spell the word ‘spelling’ right now:” Many, one would hope.

Number of muggles present on the judge’s panel, according to Blakely’s analysis of their…wearing glasses (?): 0. Duh. Clearly an “entourage of Harry Potter kids.”

Amount of times I read this logo as “Bachelor Pad Bee Spelling”: at least 5. Seriously, I think that’s what they meant.

Top priorities of the average Bachelor Pad contestant, based on the only words they could all spell: 5

LOVE

ROSE

KISS

SEXY

HEART

Distinctions apparently unclear to Chris “Your word: ‘ENGAGEMENT RING’” Harrison: 1 – The famously tricky word/phrase distinction

Actually difficult words to spell: 3

BOUTONNIERE

LASCIVIOUS

COCKAMAMIE (“But you spelled ‘cockamay.’”)

Not-at-all difficult words to spell: 5

ENGAGEMANT

JEWLRY

CEROMONY

ELININATION

TITALAIT (But comic gold.)

Cost of the forthcoming Bachelor Pad Refrigerator Magnet Collection: priceless

After the spelling bee, Bachelor Pad events that made Sarah realize she’s “living with a bunch of idiots:” 1 in 657 possible events to-date

How many of us this Kalon quote makes: “I mean never would I ever have imagined the spelling bee would be the most brutal challenge to date:” that makes 1 of us

Sympathy felt for Rachel due to this statement about Michael’s absence: “I don’t know what he’s doing or what he’s thinking or what he’s feeling:” ZILCH. Rachel, meet dating. Dating, meet Rachel.

How much Sarah means to contestant Chris: uhhh

“She’s not only my partner, but she’s my girl on the show.”

Episodes it took for Jaclyn to unlock the secret to loyalty on Bachelor Pad: 6. IT’S THE PINKY SWEAR! DOY!

Number of personalities of Jaclyn: 2

Jaclyn: “I’m scared of rejection and I hate it. It makes me nervous, it gives me anxiety, I’m having a panic attack right now.”

Hyde: “I’ve done everything so normally and so cool and been really chill about everything.”

Things Ed wants out of his “partnership” with Jaclyn: 1

“Hooking up and that stuff is all part of this process.”

“When we sleep together, it’s very comforting. It solidifies our trust.” (Nice.)

The proper reaction to Ed’s intentions, as demonstrated by Jaclyn: 1

“You’re making me feel like an insignificant piece of shit.”

The utterly inexplicable reaction to Ed’s intentions, as demonstrated by Jaclyn: 1

“I can’t live without him.”

If Ed is right, and this is “like a Facebook status thing,” likely statuses: 2

Ed is in an open relationship with Jaclyn Swartz

Jaclyn is married to Ed Swiderski

Subtlety involved in Kalon’s “power of suggestion” strategy: 0

“The only way for us to stay is for everyone to vote Nick and Rachel.”

Gardening involved in Kalon’s “power of suggestion” strategy: quite a bit

“Plant seeds, hang back in the shadows, and let everybody else water them.”

 

There it is, your call to arms. Please help these poor illiterate disease-ridden souls. If for no other reason than to warm my sexy rose heart.

 

 

The Weirdest Wedding’s You Weren’t Invited To

I heard on the radio the other day that a couple was married while eating at a Denny’s in Las Vegas. This is insane, and amazing, considering the fact that I can’t even get my waitress’s attention while eating at Denny’s right now. I’m sure the happy couple’s nuptials were full of undercooked pancakes and weird pictures that they won’t remember, so here are a few other weird wedding photos that will…alright I know that is our order sitting there on the counter. It’s just getting cold! Damnit, we should’ve gone to IHOP. Anyway, here you go.

“It was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen…but the spread was pretty decent. Yea, crab cakes.”

“We’re going to take the pictures after! I want this to be a traditional wedding! Call me old fasioned.”

“Tim Burton’s coming right? You said he would be here!”

“It’s a trap!”

I’m sure you’re saving money, but are you REALLY living better?

“Honey, I thought you left the construction company?” “Well…I did but, now remember how BEAUTIFUL I think you are, we couldn’t fit in a limo for normal people…”

“What the F?! We kissed! Why aren’t you hot?!”

“I don’t want to make a fuss…I just want a small, simple wedding…”

“I freakin’ love you!” “I freakin’ love you back! How are we going to get down?”

“I’m your new daddy now…”

I don’t even feel bad her. If she didn’t want fornicating stray dogs surrounding her wedding, she should’ve shelled out the extra cash for Event Room C at the Ritz!

Scene 1 of the short film "U B trippin' So Hard"

We like to believe that…

The clip below isn't just an idiot in a Porsche, but the first scene of an amazing short film in progress titled “U B Trippin' So Hard”.  Also below is the script that this film might be based on. We're hoping the other scenes get filmed soon.

U B Trippin' So Hard

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Thursday Picture Gallery: 13 Pictures of sweeeeee-heeeeet wheelies

“I said I think we just passed Meatloaf's house!”

Despite all of the fancy maneuvers people like Travis Pastrami and Justin Beiber are doing these days, I still truly believe that the wheelie is THEE sweetest move of all time. Its a classic.  Maaaaan…. poppin' that front wheel off the ground and lettin' the world know “I'm creative and open minded! I don't live in a box! I DON'T CAAAARE how this bike was engineered to be ridden!!! I make my own rules! Stop being a bitch! Stop putting notices on my door! I'll pay my rent whenever I want!”

“Boom Mahfuckah!, thats how you start a fire!”

“Fucken 'slurpee James' spilled his slurpee all over my seat again.”

“Just trying to get a good look in the tank… ..Yep, looks like we got a little gas left.”

This guy is technically ALWAYS doing a wheelie…which….equals any chick he wants WHENEVER he wants. Simple math.

Not a bike but i think it would still be a wheelie if you measured it with a protractor. …Remember those? They measured angles or some shit.

“I better get this arugala to the farmers market pronto!”

“Man I can't wait for snow angel season!”

“Come back!.. Please!.. I want a FunDip real bad!”

“Get the fuck off of me Jessie Ventura!”

“Fuck!… ..Really?!”

“Hey girl! How you doin?”

Travis Pastrami

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The Best and Worst Yearbook Photos

With a new school year starting for all you youngsters out there, I offer only one piece of advise: leave a mark. Create a legacy that can be remembered for ever, and if you can't figure out how to do that, use the yearbook. Here are some great yearbook quotes, and a few terrible year book pictures.

This young man represents that one kid every high school in America has. You know, the one kid that probably has a hit list of some kind. Do something nice for this kid once a month because…you never know…

For all the Vincent Tabares' out there, keep your head up and just think, all the Amanda Taggart's of the world will be really fat in 10 years.

Mike was probably voted “Most Likely to be Successful”. He probably own's a chain of Carl's Jr. restaurants. You keep it real Michael…

And then…MTV's “16 and Pregnant” was born…

I just hope that he was in school when “Crank That Soulja Boy” was popular…

Freshman year can be hard…

“Sure you can be Homecoming Queen…good luck at Eastern Central Community College next year, I'll see you at Thanksgiving.”

Making classes explode in laughter on the first day of school since 1992.

“Whoa…so like…I'll be in a book?”

Alphabetical order brought them together in Kindergarden, and kept them together for life.

That's a bold way to be remembered…

“WEST SYYYYDE!”

I wish I went to high school with this guy.

“Jeff started the Yugioh club and could be seen occasionally conversing with the janitors about toilet paper softness.”

“Prom King 1974.” But it was one of those, “Wouldn't it be HILARIOUS if we all voted for Bill Cronin for Prom King?” situations.

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WITH THIS ROSE, I THEE BED: BACHELOR PAD (EPISODE 5), BY THE NUMBERS

I mean…HOW could she have seen that coming?

Number of potential winners: 12

Number of accurate analogies used by contestants in the show’s history: 1, so spake Blakely…

“What would I compare Chris to? The shit on the bottom of my shoe.”

Number of digits rapidly dialed after hearing Michael’s threat, “If your name isn’t Chris, you are safe.”: 39+1+1. CHRIS HARRISON NEEDS IMMEDIATE PROTECTION.

Years Kalon attended law school, as evidenced by his defense, “Well, yeah, I’m a liar. You want me…elaborating on that?”: 0. But that’s mere conjecture.

Number of amigos in peril: TRES AMIGOS! Chris, Ed, Kalon, where has the love gone?

According to precedent set by Chris, the number of necessary references to one’s status as a “grown-ass man” to get one’s point across: 3

Increase in promo screen time bought by Tony with the line, “Relationships are tarnished, man. Trust is gone.” – 5-fold. Nicely done.

Number of conflicting reports on the length of Blakely’s tenure at Hooters: 3

            Jaclyn: “Her entire life.”

            Chris: “35 years”

            Chris, 7-minutes-later edition: “25 years”

Number of years Blakely actually worked at Hooters: 13

How glad Blakely is that she’s had so much “VIP Cocktail Waitress” experience: SO glad…As are we, Blakely. As are we.

Lyrics involved in the original song inspired by Erica’s lack of hustle in the cup-stacking-race, as composed by Sir Michael Stagliano: 4 (1) da, 2) doopy, 3) boopy, 4) boop)

            “Da doopy boopy da boop boop boop.”

Based on Sarah’s assessment that stacking 6 cups on a tray must be “how Olympic swimmers feel,” odds that Sarah’s ever met an Olympic swimmer: 1:50 trillion

Definitions of chopping block, apparently: 2. The actual definition and…

“The definition of chopping block is my name. I mean, I am on the chopping block.” – Chris

Components of Blakely’s masterful coaching strategy: 3 – “Set it. Turn around. Go.”

Grave misunderstandings of the word “overnight”: 2

“The word ‘overnight’ made me think about jets, and helicopters, and vegas. I’m sure it’s gonna be luxurious and fancy. Who knows? We can have jet packs to take us to a private island.” – Blakely

“I’d rather have an overnight date because maybe you get the chance to take a trip somewhere or fly on a plane somewhere.” – Tony

Amenities it took to teach Blakely and Tony that “overnight” means “time to bone”: 3, as told by Lindzi — “A map, a jeep, and a date with a lumber salesman.”

Number of people who would see Kalon’s Walking Dead reboot, as described below: 1 (I mean, I’m supportive.)

“I feel like if zombies took over the world, this is what it’d be like. Like you and me, kicking it on a bridge, having dinner.”

Number of people who find Blakely at risk for biting Tony’s head off: 2. Both Chris and Sarah. Speaking separately… So that might actually happen.

Rate of agreement between my dislikes and Blakely’s dislikes: .75. I, too, do not like “bugs and snakes and coyotes.” But, come on… “wood badger monsters?” Those are the MOST docile of badger monsters.

Time lapse between Blakely correctly identifying the model of trailer and separating her hair into pigtails: 5 seconds.

Reenactments of the conversation that birthed The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise: 1

            Sarah: Do you think they’ll get married?

Chris: I don’t know.

Sarah: There’s someone for everybody.

Chris: Yeah.

Number of roses I sent to the post-production team for including subtitles to clarify Sarah’s question, “Did you guys make whoopee?”: NOWHERE NEAR ENOUGH

Toes in grave peril if Tony crosses Blakely: 1 – “If he were to give the rose to Sarah, I’ll break his big toe.” BUT WHICH ONE?! HE HAS TWO! AND EIGHT OTHERS AT RISK!

Frequency with which Jaclyn and Ed sleep in the same bed: 100% of nights

After Ed assures America that Jaclyn is nothing more than a warm body and a smushed nose (I’m paraphrasing), frequency with which Ed will be sleeping alone: 100% of nights. And preferably with 1 eye open.

Words spoken to my TV in response to Michael’s statement, “I need to take a shower after tonight’s rose ceremony.”: 1. And the word was “word.”

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