Let me preface this post by saying two things:
1) It’s really hard to come up with a good idea for a movie. Before Shit My Dad Says, my time in Hollywood was spent as a struggling screenwriter. My writing partner and I probably pitched 40 movies to every producer and studio that would listen, and sold one. And let me be the first to say, that one we sold? Sucked ass.
2) If you’re even peripherally involved in Hollywood, people think you have the power to do something with their movie idea. Some people do. I am not one of those people.
With that knowledge in mind, I went to a friends bachelor party not too long ago in Palm Springs. I walked in to our hotel room and before I could set my bags down or say hello, one of the bachelor’s friends stepped in front of me.
“Dude. I have a fucking sick movie idea for you,” this guy said.
“Okay, sit the fuck down dude, cause this shit is crazy. The movie is called, and it’s all in this title, dude, cause the title is sick. Okay, you ready? The movie is called…fuckin’ assassin strain.”
“The movie is called Fucking Assassin Strain?”
“It’s just called Assassin Strain, don’t be comedy joke dude right now, be fucking writer dude right now,” he said, super annoyed. Then he pounded a half a Red Bull and proceeded to pitch me the movie.
“Okay, so basically the C.I.A. has figured out how to code your DNA so that you’re coded, from fucking birth, dude, to kill one specific human being on the planet. So the main character, we see him when he’s a baby and shit, and they put this assassin strain in him, to kill one specific person. But we don’t know who that person is yet, bro. Then he breaks out of the fucking C.I.A. lab.”
“The baby breaks out of the C.I.A. lab?,” I asked.
“Yeah. I don’t know how that happens yet, but it happens. Maybe like he falls in to like a laundry cart or something.
Anyway, baby grows up and finds out he’s got this assassin strain in him and he’s like ‘fuck, what do i do, bro?” And like the C.I.A. is chasing him and shit, picture like Matt Damon as the baby, and the whole time the dude is like ‘fuck who am i supposed to fucking kill?” And at the end of the movie, he finds out…. that the assassin strain that was put in him… was his fucking own, bro. He was coded by the C.I.A. to fucking kill himself, bro. What do you think?”
At this point I was fully invested in the awesomeness of this pitch, and had many questions.
“So, the C.I.A. put a code in to a baby to make him an assassin, and their target was the baby itself.”
“Why wouldn’t they just kill the baby right then, instead of spending millions of dollars to do all that DNA coding.”
“I don’t know, dude, I’m not a writer. But you are, and that’s why I told you it. So basically I figure I give you the idea, you write it, and we split it 50/50.”
I took the liberty of designing the poster