Celebrities Before They Were Famous

I like gambling on football.  A lot.  And I’m terrible at it.  Stupidly, a few years ago when I was dead broke, I put 500 dollars on the Bears.  I lost, and was so pissed, I went in to work and made the pic below to vent my anger at Rex Grossman.  That’s right, I used photoshop to vent anger.  I’m a huge fucking nerd.  Anyway, this post led to a “Celebrities Before They Were Famous” post.

1. Rex Grossman Voted A “Most Likely”

Also worth noting here, apparently it was clear to the student body that Dianne O’neill was going to be a shitty NFL quarterback.

2. Tom Cruise’s Senior Picture

I think he looks good with frosted tips, but that’s just me.

3. Stephen Hawking On The World Champion San Francisco 49ers.

He may not have had all the physical tools, but he had heart, and he played with smarts, and there’s always room on a Bill Walsh coached team for that.

4. Pink On The Swim Team

Not terribly proud of this one, but I figure it would be revisionist history for me to not include lazy jokes I’ve written.

If Movie Posters Were Honest

I did a series of “if they were honest,” posts way back when.  This is one of them. I learned quickly that it’s way more fun screwing around with photoshop, then slogging out a list of “The top ten blah blah blah.”  I think I did these at least three years ago, judging by the fact that I made fun of Shrek 3, thinking that would be the last Shrek.  I was very, very wrong.

The Anal Sex to Chili’s Restaurant Analogy

I’m going to post some new stuff fairly soon, but for the time being, I thought I’d share a piece I did with a buddy named Justin Thomas.  I think it’s one of my favorite things I’ve done.  The best part about it was, we wrote it at my old company, on the day the company closed a deal with Chili’s for an ad buy.  Chili’s was not happy.

During a conversation I had with my friend Justin Thomas, we came upon the realization that the way women feel about anal sex is almost identical to the way they feel about eating at the restaurant Chili’s.  Here’s how we broke it down.

1. Women Who Don’t Love Chili’s But Will Eat There On Ocassion

A lot of women think Chili’s is just okay.  If they’re really hungry and they’re near a Chili’s, you might be able to talk them in to eating there.   Or, if it’s your birthday, and Chili’s is your faaaavorite place to go, then your girlfriend might say “okay, fine, it’s your birthday, we’ll go to Chili’s and I won’t complain.  I’ll even pretend I like it.”   They’ll never ask to go to Chili’s, but they can understand why you enjoy the food there, even though it’s not something healthy to have every day.

2. Women Who Will Only Eat At Chili’s When They’re Drunk.

If these women are sober, they’ll tell you how disgusting Chili’s is, and how they would NEVER eat there.  When you ask, they simply respond with,  ”I don’t like it, it’s gross.”    But as soon as they’re wasted, they’re like “You know what would be fun?  Let’s go to Chili’s!”  Then the next morning they’ll be like “Oh my god, where did we eat last night?” and when you say “Chili’s” they’ll tell you “Don’t get used to eating there.  I feel sick.”  And sometimes if they’re drunk enough, they’ll wander into Chili’s by accident, because they’ll think they’re someplace else.  Then by the time they realize it’s Chili’s, they’re hungry and they’re there, so why not?

3. Women Who Hate Chili’s, Even Though They’ve Never Eaten There.

Unfortunately, there are some girls that absolutely refuse to partake in even the occasional Chili’s dinner, no matter how hungry they might be.  They’ve never eaten there, but they’ve seen the commercials for it, and they don’t like how it looks.  If it’s dinner time, and she catches you driving down the street that Chili’s is on, she’ll immediately say “you know I’m not eating at Chili’s right?” even before you’ve asked her if she wants to eat there.  You can’t even say,  “What if we just get an appetizer?!”  Not only do they not like Chili’s, but they look down on girls who do like Chili’s.  And if you attempt to bring up a friend of theirs who you heard likes Chili’s, they’ll ask you “how do YOU know she likes Chili’s?  Have you been to Chili’s with her?”

4. Women Who Can Not Get Enough Chili’s

Then, finally, there’s girls who absolutely love Chili’s.  I’ve never met one, but I have friends who have friends who say they know one.  They go to the bar at Chili’s, they watch games at Chili’s, even if they’ve already eaten dinner that night, they’ll just turn to you and say “You know what I feel like?  A quick drink at drink Chili’s!” 

OOOH! APPLE HAS A NEW PRODUCT!

 

I made this two years ago, when I thought the frenzy over Apple products was at an all time high.  A few days ago I was at the mall and saw someone scream “I WILL HAVE MY IPAD!,” in frustration in the middle of an Apple Store, and realized I was wrong.  

If Advertisements Were Truthful

I used to want to get in to advertising, until I started working with advertising agencies and realized they’re full of complete crap.  Here’s a few ads I did a while ago at my old job, that I thought were a bit more honest.

How Men And Women Argue

I did this piece a couple years back for maxim.com.  It plays on every stereotype imaginable, so, for that I’m not proud.  I created it right after I got in to a ridiculous argument with my girlfriend about whether or not Safeway had good deals on wine. It was the dumbest argument I’ve ever been involved in, and definitely factored in to me writing this.  Anyway, mostly I’m proud because it was a half way decent flow chart, and they’re a real pain in the ass to create.

And here’s the male version

The Assassin Strain – A Really Dumb Movie Pitched To Me

Let me preface this post by saying two things:

1) It’s really hard to come up with a good idea for a movie. Before Shit My Dad Says, my time in Hollywood was spent as a struggling screenwriter. My writing partner and I probably pitched 40 movies to every producer and studio that would listen, and sold one.  And let me be the first to say, that one we sold? Sucked ass.

2) If you’re even peripherally involved in Hollywood, people think you have the power to do something with their movie idea.  Some people do.  I am not one of those people.

With that knowledge in mind, I went to a friends bachelor party not too long ago in Palm Springs.  I walked in to our hotel room and before I could set my bags down or say hello, one of the bachelor’s friends stepped in front of me.

“Dude.  I have a fucking sick movie idea for you,” this guy said.

“Um, okay.”

“Okay, sit the fuck down dude, cause this shit is crazy.  The movie is called, and it’s all in this title, dude, cause the title is sick.  Okay, you ready?  The movie is called…fuckin’ assassin strain.”

“The movie is called Fucking Assassin Strain?”

“It’s just called Assassin Strain, don’t be comedy joke dude right now, be fucking writer dude right now,” he said, super annoyed. Then he pounded a half a Red Bull and proceeded to pitch me the movie.

“Okay, so basically the C.I.A. has figured out how to code your DNA so that you’re coded, from fucking birth, dude, to kill one specific human being on the planet.  So the main character, we see him when he’s a baby and shit, and they put this assassin strain in him, to kill one specific person.  But we don’t know who that person is yet, bro.  Then he breaks out of the fucking C.I.A. lab.”

“The baby breaks out of the C.I.A. lab?,” I asked.

“Yeah.  I don’t know how that happens yet, but it happens.  Maybe like he falls in to like a laundry cart or something.

Anyway, baby grows up and finds out he’s got this assassin strain in him and he’s like ‘fuck, what do i do, bro?”  And like the C.I.A. is chasing him and shit, picture like Matt Damon as the baby, and the whole time the dude is like ‘fuck who am i supposed to fucking kill?”  And at the end of the movie, he finds out…. that the assassin strain that was put in him… was his fucking own, bro.  He was coded by the C.I.A. to fucking kill himself, bro.  What do you think?”

At this point I was fully invested in the awesomeness of this pitch, and had many questions.

“So, the C.I.A. put a code in to a baby to make him an assassin, and their target was the baby itself.”

“Yeah.”

“Why wouldn’t they just kill the baby right then, instead of spending millions of dollars to do all that DNA coding.”

“I don’t know, dude, I’m not a writer.  But you are, and that’s why I told you it.  So basically I figure I give you the idea, you write it, and we split it 50/50.”

I took the liberty of designing the poster

Inner Monologue Of A Married Guy During Sex

This is again, a little something I wrote at my old job, before I was married.  Now that I’m getting married, it depresses the shit out of me.

Ugh, I’m so tired. I can’t believe that asshole Tim Jenkins passed off his report to me.  It’s his friggin report!  I just sent him some data he needed, and now suddenly – whoa, wife just grabbed my penis.  Was that on purpose or did she just roll over and her hand bumped into it on accident?  Nope, purpose, she grabbed it again.  I guess we’re gonna have sex.  Only when she wants too, of course.  I should just say no right now, show her how it feels to want to have sex and not get to.  Yep, I’m not even going to react to – I have a boner!  NICE!  Alright, let’s see here, what’s standard foreplay I have to go through before I can stick it in.

It’s been so long I can hardly remember.  Okay, um, kiss her neck, squeeze her boob.  Man, her boob is really flopping over to the side.  When did that happen?  It’s like somebody poured some oatmeal on her chest and it’s starting to run off and – uh oh, boner going away.  Think about that new receptionist at work who’s g-string always hangs out and the time she bent down to pick up her day planner in front of me and Tim Jenkins.  Fuckin Tim Jenkins dude, trying to pass off his friggin report to me when all I – shit, how long has my mouth been on my wife’s tit not moving?  Okay, focus here, focus.    Okay, going to the fingers, let’s get this party started a little quicker.  Jesus, when was the last time she shaved?  I think I found Osama Bin Laden.  Ha, I gotta tell the guys at work I thought that.

Hmm, then they’ll know my wife has an unkempt vagina.  Maybe I’ll tell them my friend thought that about his wife.  But then I guess I won’t get credit for – uh oh, losing my boner.  New receptionist’s g-string, new receptionist g-string.  Okay, here we go, putting it in the old vajayjay.  Aaaaaand we’re in.  Whoops, not in, not in, wrong area.  I don’t know why that’s the wrong area, why CAN’T we have anal?  Every time I bring it up she acts like it’s an insult.  I like steak but I don’t want to eat steak every fuckin day, right?  Alrighty, and we’re in.  Let’s roll out of this missionary and get into some doggystyle.  Okay, looks like she’s not having that.  Missionary it is.  What was that sound?  Is that the kids?  Great, now an image of my six year old son popped into my head.

I can’t believe how much they wanted me to pay to send his ass to camp.  He’s six, give him a fuckin ball and point him at a wall.  Losing boner, okay, focus, focus, let’s just power through this.  Aaaaaand I came.  Okay, sleep time.  What does she mean I have to get out of bed and clean myself off?

“Everywhere I Look. Fat Fucking People.” – My Dad

The other day I met my dad for dinner because he said he had something important to talk to me about, that he didn’t want to get in to on the phone.  He just turned 75, and I realized that after your parents turn 70, and they say they want to invite you to dinner to tell you something important, all you think is “they’re dying.”  I told my dad that when we sat down.

“You think I’m fucking dying?  If I was dying I wouldn’t tell you, I’d just die.  One day you’d see me in the flesh, the next day I’d be a fucking corpse. Except you wouldn’t see that either because I want my body thrown in the ocean and you don’t like riding on boats.”

“I think I could make an exception for your funeral,” I said.

“Bullshit. You’d be whining the whole time about how you didn’t feel good and I don’t want people to have to hear a bunch of shit about your inner ear and equilibrium at my funeral.”

It was at this point that I asked him what it was he wanted to tell me.

“Everywhere I look.  Fat fucking people,” he said.

“That’s what you wanted to tell me?”

“Yes.  Your aunt?  She’s fat.  My mechanic?  Fat.  That guy over there, fat,” he said, turning and pointing to a guy who was sitting about four feet away from us who thankfully didn’t hear.  After he listed off about ten other people that he thought were fat, I decided to interject.

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked.

“Because it’s easy to get fat and I don’t want you getting fat, because then you’ll die.  It’s medically proven.  Also, because your mother got upset when I was listing fat people to her so I had to tell someone else.”

Tom Cruise

This is something I did over at my old place of business. Looking back at it now, I think Tom Cruise makes a valid point.  My family is all Jews and we always bring the party down.

This is something I did over at my old place of business. Looking back at it now, I think Tom Cruise makes a valid point.  My family is all Jews and we always bring the party down.