Drunk Beer Review Friday: Kona Koko Brown


Once a week I go to the store and pick out a beer I’ve never tried. Then I drink PLENTY of them, enough to get me COMPLETELY FUCKING …inspired. THEN I write an unedited review. Below is what my liver hopes does not become a weekly column called “I Got Wasted On A Beer Then Reviewed It While I Was Totally Wasted.”

Kona Koko Brown

If someone tried to force me to drink this beer, instead of calling the sheriff’s department like I had to do when my fat neighbor kicked my dog,  I would just relax like a G and say “Thanks for the honor. Now I have a new amigo.”

There were a few different flavors going on and luckily for me they all floated skyward towards the universe like a G, delivering aromas of cocoa and malt into my sinuses. … But in a good way. Just because you hear the word “sinuses” doesn’t mean there is a health problem going on. Grow up.  It’s just another part of our body.

Two of the flavors began to flutter playfully like grey butterflies, delivering vanilla and coffee notes to my gum line. I encouraged their games.

None of them loitered…all of them nutrified.

This creamy brown ale is brewed with real toasted coconut. I recently realized I had no idea what the March of Dimes was and got a little depressed since I have heard that term at least five thousand times.  This beer gave me the confidence and peace of mind to stop wondering and stop caring. And wouldn’t you know it, THATS when I finally got off of Youtube and looked it up and found out it’s a charity that deals with birth defects.  Huh.

I love this beer.

Pair this beer with this video. It doesn’t always have to be a food.


Science Corner: what causes the northern lights?


We here at These Fries Are Good like to not just make you laugh, but also provide you with knowledge. So we employed a substitute teacher who lives a few doors down from us to answer your science questions:

Dear Gary,

What causes the light we can see from the northern lights?




Hi Mitchell!  Great question!  The northern lights are a very interesting phenomenon that are also called the “aurora borealis” by people who are trying to sound smart.  These people will usually also call a croissant a “kwah-saw” …   My wife does this even though she is from Denver.  This is another perplexing phenomenon: Why would someone try to copy the way French people talk and then make fun of them when she pretends to know about world politics? …Weird!  But interesting… Why would someone completely overstep her parental boundaries by trying to “correct” her kids pronunciation into something that she KNOWS DAMN WELL her husband hates?  This fascinates me.

This beautiful light is created when gases from solar activity reach the earth’s magnetic field.  The earth’s upper atmosphere charges these particles and when they collide with nitrogen and oxygen atoms they produce the amazing light we see.  It’s a combination of efforts between the earth and the sun.  The lights come from the earth but they obviously don’t “belong” to the earth.  And Mother Earth in all her wisdom knows this.  She would never say “MY” northern lights. She would never threaten the sun with divorce and complete custody over the lights just because the sun rightfully thinks private school is a complete waste of money and will probably end up turning the lights into pussies.

Here’s another video that should give you a better understanding of the northern lights as well as a  3 minute 48 second taste of what it feels like to be married. Only difference is you can’t just X out of marriage when it gets unbearable. Remember that, Mitchell.

Have a science question? Ask Gary!


Thursday picture gallery


"No, I haven't listened to the Tony Robbins CDs you gave me... stop pressuring me!"

Every Thursday we like to take the best pictures we saw on the web this week (a lot of them from our favorite German picture site nurbilder.com, which if you haven’t visited, you should), and share them with you.  Enjoy.

Dave graduated Cum Laude.

"Thanks man. I'm glad you like it. ...My stupid Mom tried to say this was a "non-transferable" talent.


Today’s News: Ancient Iceman was Lactose intolerant

"Wait ...so...I can't drink milk? Fuck. ... Can I have milk in cereal???

20 years ago a well preserved “Iceman” was found frozen in the Alps. Recently, scientists have used insanely advanced nuclear DNA testing to discover he was… lactose intolerant, and PROBABLY had brown eyes.

First of all, pretty sure ancient Icemen ate WHATEVER THE FUCK they could get their hands on. Unless the term “Iceman” was because they played it ultra cool, that like that dude in Top Gun, I’m guessing it means that the world was covered in FUCKING ICE.  And if one of them by chance came in with a sack full of some kind of dairy product, I can’t see them responding with “Oh, geez, you know what, Ak-ak, that stuff doesn’t really sit that well in my stomach. I’m just gonna have a few more snow cones. …What? They’re good.”

Also, from the looks of that picture, I’m gonna guess the DNA apparently also revealed that he looked amazingly like the guy who spends all day in front of 7-11 drinking Steel Reserve and trying to sell you a broken guitar covered in weed stickers.

We Sent Out One Man To Try Every Dating Site On The Web

The web is filled with dating sites and social media networks offering you a chance at love.  But who uses these sites, and do they really work?  Those were questions we wanted answered.  Lucky for us, over the course of the last few years, writer Conor Galvin  has systematically worked his way through almost every major dating site on the web, from match.com, to supposed screwfest Adult Friend Finder.  Here are his findings.

Just a little background on Conor before he jumps right in to his experiences on these sites.  He’s 29, and sort of looks like a cross between Stephen Baldwin and the dark haired Super Mario Brother.  Let’s begin.



Women on match seem to genuinely want to find a man for a relationship. Older women are looking for a husband but will settle for a fling with a younger man from the site who watches the same TV shows as they do.  NOTE: Everyone says they’re a fan of “Arrested Development,” in their profile. It’s now replaced “I’m spiritual,” as the cliche dumbshit thing to say on a dating profile.   Anyway, younger women don’t know what they want. If they see themselves as unattractive then they are using the site as an outlet to find a man that they don’t think they would in the real world. A lot of the women seem perfectly normal, attractive and stretched too thin by work so they turn to the site for help meeting men.


Kids Toys That Better Prepare Them For Life

I wrote this a few years ago at my old job, with the help of my co-worker Justin Thomas.  Kids toys always seem to promote this completely false idea of what the world is like, so we thought it might be interesting to create some toys that showed what a real kick in the ass life can be when you’re a grown up.

Car-rate black belt favors public transportation

“No I mean, Ron’s cool.  I like hanging out with him.  Just don’t let him listen to Rage Against The Machine around anything you own.”

I haven’t seen any of this filmmaker’s other films, but judging from the cutaways at 0:26 and 0:48 I think the camera is gonna be the next one to fight this guy.

If TV Shows Had Honest Titles

Sometimes the titles of TV shows don’t accurately represent what the show is really about.  So we decided to take a crack at giving these shows a more honest title.


The Morning-After Texts From This Year’s Oscars (Like, Probably)

After the Oscars, AwardsSeasonal Affective Disorder sets in for our pop culture editor Emily Hirshey . So, please, just give her this one.

Ah, the morning after. What a great time to be alive. At the very least, you’re hungover and filled with regret. At best, you’re googling how to get home from an Antiques Roadshow after-party at a crack den in Sao Paolo while dislodging inexplicable adult diapers that are wedged in your socks. Either way, you’re texting someone.

Well, for non-ugly, non-poor people, the morning after the Oscars is very much like the morning after you vomzed all over your blind date’s Pumas (I mean, don’t wear Pumas on a date and expect not to be thrown up on). You think Seacrest hasn’t written the “OMG send me the dry cleaning bill!” morning-after text? Puhlease. Bro cannot keep that manjuice in his pants when George approaches. (It’s not gay if it’s Clooney.)

Alas, feast your eyes on this year’s Oscar edition of almost definitely verbatim* Morning-After Texts, received from iPhones all around the world (read: New York or LA).

*It’s not libel if it’s postulating. Or, again, if it’s Clooney.

FROM: Billy Crystal – TO: Jonah Hill

FROM: Roberto Benigni – TO: Jean Dujardin


Today in Stupid People: James Summers

James Summers walked into a Denny’s in Madison, Wisconsin and told the staff he was their new manager sent from corporate.  The staff didn’t believe him, so they called the police when he wouldn’t leave. He then proceeded to make himself a hamburger until the cops arrived and arrested him.

Either he was trying to secure a position as a Denny’s Manager via heist, or he was trying to get a free hamburger and fries via heist. Either way this man is one of the most easily satisfied crooks on earth.  I like to think this was planned weeks in advance by him and a mastermind accomplice while watching The Town or Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead.

“Think bigger James c’mon.”

“Bigger than a host at Denny’s? ummm…a waiter?”


“Wait a second.  You’re not saying I should ….”

“James, you’re gonna be making their schedules before they even know what hit ‘em!  And you and I? Aaaaaaahhhh.   You and I are gonna be on easy street!”

…As obvious professionals,  when the plan was foiled he slipped UNFAZED into their backup plan which was: Make a hamburger.

Cops said he had a briefcase with crack pipes in it.  I’m not sure if this proves that he’s crazier than a hamburger from Denny’s or if it was just a well thought out prop to make his Denny’s manager disguise even more convincing.

Not necessarily a BAD plan. There’s probably at least a 50 percent chance that any given Denny’s manager, even if they didnt believe him, would respond “Huh…OK. Well …Fuck it then you’re the new manager.   …Ummmmm…Thanks, i guess…ummmmm…if an old person falls out of a booth and doesn’t get up call the number above the coffee makers …and  remember not to schedule Stacy on weekday nights or her husband will come in and try to fight you.