They put on suuuuuuch a good show.

“…Ok. Perfect. Francesca YOU’LL dance under the hose. …And then Sheila when they sing “You knock me off of my feet now” THAT’S your cue. You know what to do. ..And really get into it! Sell it! Get silly! Get creative! If you’re into it, the audience is into it.”

Today In Awesome Parenting: Guy Bites Off Basketball Coach’s Ear At Sixth Grade Son’s Game

The next time you’re at a strip club, and a stripper winks her asshole at you from on stage, her dad was probably a lot like this guy: (From the Huffpo:)

“Massachusetts dad Timothy Forbes, 34, allegedly went berserk Friday when his 6th-grade son’s basketball team lost a game. Police say he attacked the winning team’s coach and bit off part of his ear”

Look, I’ve sat through a sixth grade basketball game, it’s fucking unbearable.  Everybody crowds around the ball like they’re trying to gang rape it.  Kids start crying when they’re fouled.  I promise you if we forced prisoners at Guantanamo to sit through these things we would have found Osama like eight years ago.    Here’s my favorite part of this story:

“When the game ended — at Holy Name School in Springfield — Forbes allegedly barreled through several 10- to 12-year-old kids before he made it to the coach.”

SEVERAL.  That’s determination, kids.  Sure, he could have said, “You know what, there are WAY TOO MANY 10 to 12-year-olds in between me and that coach’s ear.  I give up.”  But that would be QUITTER TALK.  Those kids learned a valuable lesson today.  Mostly about jail, though.

 

The Future Of the U.S. Dollar

I made this a couple years ago, but decided to update it today, due to the fact that I just spent 5 dollars on a cup of coffee and realized the dollar is basically dog shit now.  Enjoy.

We Try To Get Someone To Make The Worst Porno Movie Idea Ever Conceived

Our editor Ryan Walter spends tons of time on the web screwing with people.  He applied to a job with the worst resume of all time.  He applied to an ad agency with a very inappropriate campaign for Cheetos.  He gave very bad legal advice to a frat guy.

For the last couple weeks he’s been screwing with porn producers on craig’s list.  It’s been a trying process.  A lot of good responses but never quite enough to post here.  Finally, last week, one guy took the bait.  Below is the original ad.  Enjoy.

 

So, Ryan found some pictures of a really attractive model, and responded.

 

This is the point where we lost 90% of the porn producers we emailed.  But not this guy.

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Drunk beer review Friday: North Coast Brewing’s Scrimshaw

Once a week I go to the store and pick out a beer I’ve never tried. Then I drink PLENTY of them, enough to get me COMPLETELY FUCKING …inspired. THEN I write an unedited review. Below is what my liver hopes does not become a weekly column called “I Got Wasted On A Beer Then Reviewed It While I Was Totally Wasted.”

 

North Coast Brewing: Scrimshaw

When I was a kid, I heard that when they took the pictures of cereal for the covers of cereal boxes they used Elmer’s glue for the milk, instead of milk… so that it looks perfect and they can set the cereal pieces up all perfectly without them just floating there like dead sewer rats.  I STILL don’t know if this is true.The kid who told me that “fact” moved schools and I never saw him again. But, he got decent grades and never cussed so I have no reason to doubt him.

But, I do know that if this Pilsner from North Coast Brewing Co. ever wandered past those advertisers who got hired to do those cereal shoots it would have given them the perfect glare.  A George Clooney glare which would have had them ashamed of their britches.

This beer is authentic is what I’m getting at. And it’s what I just got at.

You can enjoy this beer straight out of the bottle like a fucken bad ass tycoon OR pour it into a pre-chilled glass and STILL not get called a woman.  Unless you ARE a woman.  In which case you’ll get called a “10″.

With the first sip, hints of melon and watercress stand on your taste buds and hold hands tightly while daring the complimentary vanilla flavors to send bubbly sweetness right over and try to break through their fucken brick wall of an arm barrier.  Sweetness didn’t break through it. Because sweetness didn’t try.  It just walked around and gave every note, even plum,  an uplifting compliment that came off as suprisingly sincere and individualized.

Before you drink this wonderful 4.4 percent pils (pilsner) …ask yourself these questions in your medulla cere- mellon:

Want some malty overtones?

Want a grouping of fruity notes that can only be gathered at dusk?

Want to change jobs?

Well for the first question, guess what…this beer can carry the malty overtones to your entire mouth on a pure silver platter made of pure malt.

…The second question about the fruity notes I’ve realized is really just a random grouping of words, and the third one is a good and serious question that shouldn’t be ignored but looking at it now  just seems to have gotten placed in the wrong article.

Pair this beer with:  Anything that ISN’T a protein smoothie.  Like… a garden cracker… or ham.

 

 

Thursday picture gallery

 

"Wait, lemme get a pic... Nice! Good one! ...OK. Bye! I hope you go to heaven!"

Every Thursday we like to take the best pictures we saw on the web this week (a lot of them from our favorite German picture site nurbilder.com, which if you haven’t visited, you should), and share them with you.  Enjoy.

"99, 100. Ready or not! Here I come!"

 

MMMMMMMMMMMM... ...Nope. It's just gonna come off racist and inappropriate. Make up your own.

 

OK Asia, the rules for this challenge are simple: Create the weirdest 3 wheeled transportation on the planet.

 

"OK I have some good news and some bad news. ...Good news is that you get an opportunity to rethink your decision to actually buy a PT Cruiser..."

 

"It's like....I don't know. Like a respect for yourself I guess? ...You're telling me you've NEVER heard the word "Dignity" ?"

 

"Dude, no. I STILL don't have to call anyone. Isn't that heavy? ... Stu, man. Just go get a regular job.

 

"Mommy, I tried floating on that raft and it told me shoo I better "break myself youngen"..."

 

Honk.

 

 

 

 

The Secret Behind Mitt Romney

This Republican primary is one of the most fascinating things I’ve ever followed.  There’s so much backstabbing, insults, and hijinks.  It’s like an episode of Game of Thrones without all the doggy-style fucking.  Anyhoo, I love making comics but have zero artistic ability, so I cranked up the ole’ photoshop machine and took a crack at a comic about Mr. Mitt Romney.  Enjoy.

16 pictures of scandalous animals

 

 If I EVER caught my animals dressing like this….

No.  You know what?  They never WOULD dress like this.  Because I raised them right and they RESPECT THEMSELVES!

Unlike THESE filthy whores:

 


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Best martial arts film ever made

This is amazing.

I love that projects like this can get conceived and completed.  …But I somehow haven’t been able to arrange a time to go get an oil change in over 2 1/2  years… and have accepted that I probably never will.

If you don’t have time to watch all 14 minutes, you need to re-prioritize your life.

But here are some highlights worth checking out:

1:20 – Will give you a taste of what this movie is capable of

3:50 – A special lady enters his life and stirs things up

4:20 – Best line in the movie

4:38 – Best character in the movie

5:42 – Movie gets a little too serious

6:21 – Amazing special effects for 1983.  …Or even for today.

7:40 – …It’s how we ALL would react if were able to fly. Every time. It would never wear off.

9:55 – …Just fucking amazing. I don’t even know why.

10:03 – It gets even better.  Front flip into an explosion.  BY FAR my favorite part of any movie ever made.

13:25 – I’m not crying my eyes are just itchy from eating wheat.  Why do great movies have to end like this?

 

 

6 Action Figures Adults Can Relate To

There are no action figures for adults, because being an adult is one dose of reality after another.  So a few years ago I made these with my friend Justin Thomas, and we decided to try and come up with some action figures that show up in your life almost daily.