Drunk Beer Review Friday: EEl river IPA

Once a week I go to the store and pick out a beer I’ve never tried. Then I drink PLENTY of them, enough to get me COMPLETELY FUCKING …inspired. THEN I write an unedited review. Below is what my liver hopes does not become a weekly column called “I Got Wasted On A Beer Then Reviewed It While I Was Totally Wasted.”

 

Eel River Organic IPA

Right when I took my first sip of this sparkly, kaleidoscopial froth  I stepped on what felt like a Lego.  But I don’t even have Legos.   I picked my foot up to see what it was but there was nothing there.  Nothing at all. I thought to myself  “Whaaaaat?? Ohhhh Come On!”  What had happened, I found out 3 seconds later, is that it had stuck to the bottom of my bare foot and covertly lifted itself into the air, attached to my foot.  As I set my foot back down I stepped on it again.  Instantly solving my 3 second mystery.  To me, it had felt like a 2 section Lego, that’s what I would have bet if I was FORCED to bet right then and there.  …The little rectangle kind you build curbs or walls with.  But as I brushed it off I saw it was actually a tiny piece of toast.

I realized this was coincidence and didn’t blame it on the golden organic IPA’s mellow mouthfeel or hoppy character.  That would be superstitious and borderline racist toward beer.  I took another sip and I’m glad I did because that ended up DOUBLING the amount of beer I had consumed with just one normal sized sip.  Remember this and always cherish your second sip for this reason.  It’s the only one that has that capability.

The aroma of this beer throws 80 mph fastballs at your nose.  Fast and alarming but not too fast to duck away from and throw your bat at the pitcher if you wanted to…but don’t.  There is no leather or anything that has any weight AT ALL in this malty aroma.  Only fumes and air molecules and probably at least SOME dust.  So laugh as it’s thrown and don’t even try to bob or weave or retaliate with words or aggression.   Otherwise the cops will end up at your house again and embarrass you in front of your neighbors.

There is a twistful melody of spicy hops energized by a few off-shot notes of  melon/caramel.  Then there’s the cedar overtones and the lingering smokiness of…fuck that. Nevermind. I’m not getting into those.  It’s a lot of flavors though.  Trust me.  So just be grateful.  A million years ago who would have even been able to cram all that flavor into a  beer vessel?  …Back in ancient times they didn’t have “bottles” or “cups”  like we do today.  Back then, they only had vessels.  Everything back then was a “vessel”, built to go to outer space.  The titanium vessels all made it to space and the clay ones they realized…”This vessel is made out of clay.  It’s just gonna fucken shatter when it gets to space. Let’s just keep it here in the desert or in that cave over there.”

Pair this beer with: Anything your grandma used to make.  Even “Love”. …I know it’s gross.  But she did.  Otherwise you wouldn’t exist.  Huge Catch-22.

If Advertisements Were Truthful

I used to work for a company that was shameless in their attempts to shove bullshitty ads down people’s throats.  So, every so often, almost as a way to cleanse my soul of that garbage, I like to make truthful ads.  These ones were made by me and my friend Brian Huntington.  Enjoy.

(more…)

Mitt Romney Reviews “The Hunger Games”

We hear at These Fries Are Good like to think of ourselves as a forum for people to express themselves.  That’s why we were overjoyed when Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney asked us if he could review “The Hunger Games” on our blog.

Just like you, my family and I are celebrateurs of the Hunger Games trilogy.  I remember sitting in my present wrapping room on the sixth floor of my March home, as my shoeshiner read it aloud to me.   The thrilling adventures between Katniss and her friends reminded me of my Lacrosse days on the Romney compound.  So it was with great excitement that I attended a midnight showing of the film on it’s opening night, in the theater next to the bowling alley in the east wing of our home. I would have watched it sooner, but my wife and I, much like you, enjoy eating dinner and making love for 7-9 minutes, which is the average love-making session of southern voters who make less than 45,000 dollars a year, whom I happen to be very much like.

The film starts with Katniss mired in poverty, never quite sure where her next meal is going to come from. This is something that struck quite a chord with me, as sometimes, when I return home from a long day, I will often times enter the wrong dining room, fully expecting a meal to be waiting for me.  Instead, nothing, and my hunger pangs, much like Katniss.  Sometimes I’m forced to search ALL FOUR  dining rooms of my home to find the location with which my personal chef has laid out my meal.

I frequent the internet so I know I am not to alert anyone of spoils, but SPOILS ALERT!, Katniss is one formidable opponent!  I would hate to engage with her in fisticuffs, I can tell you that right now!  I enjoyed her fight against the government, and saw us as kindred spirits.  Much like her, I’m fighting against a cruel government, but instead of doing it in a blood filled arena where others are trying to kill me, I’m doing it in the halls of Washington.  And instead of doing it to save my younger sister from certain death, I’m doing it to stop this brutal class warfare and taxation of job creators.   On a side note, I have heard that many people have objected to the casting of African Americans in the roles of “Rue” and “Thresh,” and let me just say DEFINITIVELY RIGHT NOW, that I feel the same way as you who is reading this essay feel.  All in all, I have to say that this was a movie, and cinematically, it had pictures that were moving!  Okay, that’s all for now!  Maybe I’ll run in to you at one of your local establishments that serves wine and spirits, as I enjoy the comradery of sitting with my fellow man and having a brewed hop-based beverage.

If Major League Baseball Teams Had Honest Names – National League

Yesterday we showed you the American League, so today we bring you the National.  Once again, all the photoshop work done by Brian Huntington.

(more…)

If Major League Baseball Team Names Were Honest – American League

A few months ago, my friend Brian Huntington and I fired up the photoshop machine and attempted to give NFL teams honest names.  So, in an effort to piss off even more fans, we decided to do the same for all of major league baseball.  Today we’ll show you the American League.  Tomorrow we’ll give you the NL.  (All good photoshop work was done by Brian.)

Let it be known that I’m a San Diego Padres fan, and just yesterday on the radio their general manager said the phrase “We’re going to need big things out of Orlando Hudson if we’re going to be successful,” so this was probably prompted by the bitterness associated with rooting for a horrific garbage pile of a franchise.  Anyhoo, enjoy!

(more…)

Science Corner! Why can’t we feel the Earth’s spin?

We here at These Fries Are Good like to not just make you laugh, but also provide you with knowledge. So we employed a substitute teacher who lives a few doors down from us to answer your science questions:

 

Dear Gary,

How come we can’t feel the Earth spinning?

Thanks!

-Nicole

———————————————————————————————————-

Thanks Nicole!  Well, that is a very interesting question considering the Earth is moving through space at 67,000 miles per hour AND spinning at 1,000 miles per hour. On top of that, the sun and our entire solar system are traveling around our galaxy at 43,000 miles per hour! And to think my wife gets all mad and scornful when I’m driving 80 on the freeway… Wow. If she only spent a little more time learning about science/exercising and less time reading Us Weekly maybe she’d be able to put relative speeds into perspective a little easier/be in better shape.  Good question.  Why can’t we feel all that speed?

Everything in the universe is constantly moving. Our perception of stillness is only because what’s around us is moving at the same speed. We have no way of sensing absolute speed.  Similar to how my wife has no way of sensing that it’s PROBABLY NOT A GOOD IDEA to discuss going to marriage counseling in the same room as our kids even if they “Already f*%@ing know, Gary” and “Aren’t even paying attention. They’re watching The Snorks, Gary”.

We can only sense how fast we’re going in relation to something else.  Hypothetically, me and my wife could be riding bikes in outerspace side by side at 1000 miles per hour and I wouldn’t be able to tell I was even moving until she predictably starts to slow down and complain about her legs being tired and tries to find a van cab that can take bikes even though we agreed that we would  finish the whole ride this time.  In a car or train we can only tell how fast we are going by seeing the objects we are passing or by speeding up and slowing down.  We don’t feel the earth’s spin because we are moving with it.  If the earth suddenly stopped, we would go flying.

Here is a video that was apparently made on a 70′s Atari that shows the earth’s speed around the sun.  Whoever made this video really needs to re-evaluate their life and what they spend their time trying to accomplish.  Just like my son, who will for some reason spend 2 hours building a zip line for his storm trooper action figure, but then “doesn’t really feel” like discussing how electricity works with his dad.

Have a science question?  Ask Gary! 

 

The Best of Day Time Talk Show Freeze Frames

I’ve been at home for some time recovering from a foot surgery, so naturally I have spent a significant amount of time on the couch, in front of the TV.  I’ve always thought daytime programming was absolute crap, and it is, except if you dig deep enough in a pile of dog shit, you may eventually find the car keys your dog ate a few days ago.  That is kind of what day time talk shows are like.  So with that pleasant image in mind I present to you more pleasant images from day time talk shows.

 

FCC worker: "Holy crap does that woman have her bra on backwards?! Oh no wait...those are back boobs. Maybe blur them out anyway..."

 

"It really isn't that much of a "Mystery". You give me money, I buy Crystal Meth."

 

FUCK YEAH SHE IS

 

 

"Okay, Steve, I know you're an intern here, but today we don't need you to make coffee. We have another project we'd like you to be a part of."

"You know what...it's not THAT bad."

"Well if it's on Facebook... Wait how many 'Likes' did it get?"

"Wait a second...can lap dances get you pregnant?!"

"I better not hear a word, you said I could borrow this!"

 

"It's like Oedipus, only grosser."

"I would break them up but it's adorable!"

 

It's always an awesome day time talk show freeze frame when it looks like it's a Frank Caliendo skit.

In a Daytime Talk Show first, they both were relieved to find out that neither one were the parents.

I just had a nightmare while I was awake...

That is good running form. It just is.

Regis to himself: "I can't wait to retire..."

"Really?! And just from wearing the Shape-Ups?"

"Are you shure there isn't ANY other reason she doesn't want to be around?"

"Oh! In that case, we cool."

People, let’s all stop making these 4 jokes to waiters.

I was at a restaurant this past weekend and there was a family of four next to me that were devouring their meals like a hobo who had been taken in by someone and given their first hot meal in months.  After they had cleaned their plates, the waiter arrived to clear the dishes.  As he reached for the first plate, the dad in the family said this:

“We hated it.”

Then he and his family began laughing hysterically, as if they were in the audience of a Def Comedy Jam in the mid 90s.  Then of course the waiter was forced to fake laugh, for basically the same reason why I’m sure prisoners fake laugh if someone on the parole board makes a joke during their hearing.

I waited tables for almost seven years, and during that time, I heard customers tell me the same jokes over and over.  So in an effort to help retire them, here are the four jokes we need to stop telling to waiters.

1. Telling The Waiter You “Hated It,” After You’ve Eaten Your Entire Meal.

What is the thought process before someone makes this joke? “I really enjoyed the meal, but everyone in my office says I’m the funniest guy there and that I should totally do stand up.  If I just tell the waiter I liked it, or even worse, say nothing and let him clear my plate and go about his work, I WILL TOTALLY LOSE THE HILARIOUSNESS CAPITAL I HAVE SPENT HUNDREDS OF HOURS AMASSING.”

2. Telling The Waiter “I Ordered The Large” When Being Presented With A Clearly Giant Portion.

I’m always shocked when people make this joke because it’s essentially drawing attention to the fact that they’re a gluttonous fucking pig who’s about to down an unearthly amount of food.  This joke is almost always followed later by the “I hated it,” joke.

2. Telling The Waiter “They’ll Take The Check” Then Pointing To One Of Your Small Children.

First of all, small children are just mini Kardashian family members; all they do is eat, cry, and demand things.  So if you’ve brought one of them to the restaurant, chances are they’ve made the waiter’s life significantly shittier for the forty minutes you’re there.  So even if you were to be the Louis C.K. of child-related jokes to waiters, the waiter wouldn’t laugh because he or she wants to physically hurl your baby across the room like a sack of flour.  Secondly, everyone tells this joke and thinks they’re the first person to tell it. At least with the “I hated it” joke, the people telling it know on some level the hackery involved.  The people who tell this joke think they’ve just stumbled on Eddie Murphy “Raw” style material and expect more than just the courteous fake waiter laugh.

4. Asking The Waiter “You’re Not Going To Check My I.D.?” Even Though You Are Clearly Well Above The Drinking Age.

You see the pattern that’s forming here?  There all they SAME JOKE.  This joke is almost always told by 35-45 year olds who are dealing with the fact that less and less people find them sexually attractive with every second that passes as they creep towards death. Old people don’t make this joke because they’ve made their peace with the fact that they look disgusting naked.  So middle-agers make this joke to show everyone else at the table how cool they are with getting older.  Meanwhile, the waiter is forced to respond with something other than a laugh, because if he or she laughs, then it creates an awkward moment where people aren’t sure if the waiter is thinking “That’s funny because you’re so fucking old and gross.”

 

 

 

Terrible Names For A Business

So many dry cleaners, nail salons, and donut shops have very generic signs that just say what their business does.  Like this one:

But naming your business is incredibly important.   You need something that’s going to set you apart from the other million people doing the exact same thing.  With that in mind,  I present a few examples of terrible/awesome names of business that I will definitely go to.

"No for the last time, please stop calling us. You aren't funny." -Disgruntled Beaver Cleaners employee hanging up phone

 

"Butt really, they know their shit."

"I think it sounds even better than it looks."

"I don't give a shit if white people think this is funny, it's what I want to name my company, God dammit." - Mr. Hing.

 

"GTD. Gym, Tan, Die."

"I went in and they gave me a mani-pedi. I was so pissed." -Someone named Mike with an arm band tattoo

 

"Are you still using Short as Shit Gas Supply? I find these new guys, they are way better."

"It's hard for them to get any business taken care of, they never get out of the truck."

 

"Their sales are REALLY strong in the morning but tend to dwindle off at the end of the day."

"This is what old Italian women call furniture without plastic covers."

"I feel like this service wasn't great. I mean, it wasn't terrible. I'm trying to think of how I would classify it. Decent? No, that's not it."

"I'm sorry, I just feel way too bloated to trade with you right now. Can we trade tomorrow morning?"

"Pull over..."

"On a first date?"

 

Drunk beer review Friday: Voll Damm

 

Once a week I go to the store and pick out a beer I’ve never tried. Then I drink PLENTY of them, enough to get me COMPLETELY FUCKING …inspired. THEN I write an unedited review. Below is what my liver hopes does not become a weekly column called “I Got Wasted On A Beer Then Reviewed It While I Was Totally Wasted.”

 

 Voll Damm

This beer comes from Spain.  It says “doble malta” right on the label which technichally means it’s stronger than a professional, touring, stressed from being away from his family, but respected and sometimes recognized on the streets… whipper snapper’s whip snap. It’s a 7.2% beer…Which means that your very first beer has the ability to give you that encouraging nudge to go an’ brush yo shoulders off.   About 1 1/2 – 2 of these smooth, easy drinking cold ones, and you’re gonna enter the zone where ANYTHING that flies outa ANYONE’S mouth is a good idea. So be careful not to agree to drive on a snowboarding trip the next morning.

Unlike your friend who-for some reason-once he gets drunk feels the need to bear-hug everyone and pick them up as he screams the first letter of their name, and then “daahaawg”, THIS crisp, full bodied lager cruises in and swizzles onto and around and then past your receptive taste buds, giving ‘em a warm, friendly one armed hug that makes your mouth energized, reassured, and comfortable in it’s caramely, malty presence. Each sip will leave your taste buds yelling “Bye!”  ”That was fun!” and then immediately discussing the experience and agreeing with each other that they all had such a good time with that beer’s smooth taste and that they should get it’s email from Katie, if she has it, and see if it wants to go to the art show thing on Thursday.

Hints of floral vapors and nutty overtones team up to form a taste that would NEVER EVER enter its’ baby into an online baby beauty pageant. It’s flavor wouldn’t be into that.  It’s subtle smokiness wouldn’t necessarily openly condemn someone for it… it would probably let it’s co-worker do it without actually saying to her face “What the fuck is wrong with you? Just nurse it and shit. It’s like a month old.” …and MIGHT even get online and vote so that she stops showing it pictures of her basic, standard issue baby,  but ONLY if it’s on a website where you don’t have to sign up and give ‘em your email.

Pair this beer with: Tapas.  …relax, you can call ANYTHING tapas as long as you can pick it up with one hand.  Soooo, like ….a few raisins, or craisins…..or a small piece of chicken…could be a tapa. Don’t do the raisin one, that was a shitty example.