Shawn Bradley is the Michael Jordan of white guys getting dunked on.

Even if this isn’t Adam Morrison, it kind of is Adam Morrison.

Don’t worry, he was just a walk-on.

I know this is just a different angle of the other Bradley picture, but Yao Ming is in this one. I miss Yao Ming.

I just hope Vince Carter was screaming, “AMERICAAAAAA!”

“Just go work on your free throws, Kevin.”

Good effort.

Now for greatness….

The only professional athlete that looks like guys who play 3 on 3 at the YMCA on Wednesday nights.

I hope these people haven’t showered since this game.

Women want him and men want to BE him.

Perfect form…

Dare to dream…

Right after he destroyed all of his haters.

Power.

Grace.

A master of disguise.

There should be murals of this all over abandoned warehouses.

I’ve got nothing.

Once upon a time, a unicorn arrived on the wings of an angel and slid down a double rainbow onto a mountain of gumdrops where he was kissed by the morning dew before landing ever so gently on a field of freshly-cut daisies.

And the world was all, “Whatever. Did you see the finale of the Bachelor?” And the unicorn sobbed, because his story would never be as magical as the tale of Sean and Catherine.

Honestly, I shouldn’t be this emotional right now. It’s scientifically unheard of. At the very least, there should be a biological mechanism stopping me from telling you how emotional I am. But, you guys, he picked Catherine. He picked Catherine because she’s great and they’re great and the world is great. And I just have a lot of thoughts and I don’t know where to put them and I’m not allowed into the slam poetry club anymore because I brought brie without crackers and it was just this whole mess and…feelings.

But then I remembered how I can just type one letter over and over again so it sounds like I’m saying something emphatically and I just think:

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

…We did it.

The Bachelor, Season 17 finale, by the numbers:

Remaining contestants: 2

Remaining contestants who are both smarter and older than a 5th grader: 1. Though Lindsay’s at least drunker than one.

How every girl wants a boy to describe her to his family: not this way

“She’s funny and weird.” – Sean, re: Catherine

Amount of times we’ve heard about Sean and Catherine’s “notes” before this episode: 0. I didn’t even know he could read.

Lines Sean’s dad, Jay, uses when he walks to your door and hands you a pamphlet: 1

“Do you believe in the Bachelor process?” – my new religious leader

Shoes Sean wears in Thailand: almost 0. Dude. It’s shirts you don’t need.

Amount of fear I felt when Sean BUCKED BACHELOR TRADITION and said “I am in love with Lindsay”: levels bordering on paralysis

Things Lindsay has said that made sense to me, ever: 1

“I could easily make a bad impression and they’d be like ‘Nope. Not that girl.’”

Lindsay’s keys to a happy marriage: 3

1) “Prayer”

2) “Communication”

3) “Figuring out where to meet in the middle”

Sean’s keys to a happy marriage: 3

1) Praying Catherine doesn’t run away

2) Communicating to Catherine that she can save him

3) Figuring out that Lindsay has the IQ of a ficus

Years Jay has prayed for Sean: 0

Years Jay has prayed for Sean’s wife: 28

Years Jay’s daughter-in-law will sleep with one eye open: til death do them part

Amount of egg whites Sean and his super beefy brother-in-law have consumed, collectively: 1000 families of chickens

Things that Lindsay and Sean’s relationship have in common with the lake they rafted upon: 2

1) They say it’s beautiful

2) It’s actually poo

Age at which Sean could see Lindsay being a “hot, old chick”: 25

Members of the male population who are jealous of the below: all that live on this earth

“We’re always kissing because I feel like that’s how he can really express himself to me.” - Lindsay

Well played, sir.

Moments for Lindsay that have been “24 years in the making”: 3

1) Finding her husband

2) Her 24th birthday

3) High school graduation

How many times two people have to match before you’re meant to be: 2.

“Let’s wear purple! Let’s wear black! Let’s get married!” (Based on a true story.)

Words you don’t want to hear after finally telling someone you love them over the sounds of elephant heartbeats: 4

“Thank you for today.” - Sean

Years Sean’s waited for Neil Lane to actually be at his door, despite years using his go-to greeting “Heyyyyy Neil Lane!”: dream come true

Colors the Bachelor costume designer could have chosen for the final dresses: thousands

Colors she chose when she realized Sean made all his decisions based on historic associations of metallic hues: nice silver, Lindsay

Relief I felt to see AshLee in the live studio audience: she’s alive, you guys!

Number of visible tats on Lindsay: 2

Number of nose rings on Catherine: 1

Number of times Sean has eaten a single carb: 3. Everyone’s so bad!

Moments Lindsay has had to say “Ok I’m gonna go because this is really just painful and this is my nightmare:” 2

1) When Sean rejected her

2) When she was asked to spell “relief” at a spelling bee. That “I before E” always gets her.

Gurlfriends who totally rooted for Lindsay’s decision to take off her heels after she got dumped: 1, in particular…

“That’s when you know you’re done!” – Chris “Bitch, Please” Harrison

Volume of vomit swallowed by Catherine when she realized Sean was choosing her: 1.5 liters

Words that took me from lone tear to gently weeping: 6

“Oh my god, I get this?!” – Catherine, as she tenderly groped Sean’s pecs

Years I expect them to stay together: forever

What I wish the world would just embrace for once: denial

…And they lived happily ever after. 

Fantasy Suite 101

Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shitttt. I can’t even remember anything before this rose ceremony. Where are these people? Hawaii? Did they go on a myriad of adventures on both land and sea? Did any girls mention her ability to see her life with this man? Does it even matter?

Because. For real. That ending.

A crazy-eyed desperate lady gets the boot. Our hero is torn between what is right (Catherine) and what is wrong (Lindsay). Rain falls over EVERYTHING!

They literally SAID “holy shit.”

Like I felt it and they SAID it.

I feel reborn.

The Bachelor , Season 17, Episode 8, by the numbers:

Remaining contestants: 3

Remaining contestants who let Sean get south of the border in the south of Thailand: 3. Helloooooo ladies.

Everything a man wants in a woman, based on Sean’s description of Catherine:  3 – 4 things

“Weird and nerdy and goofy”…and boobs.

Number on my Table of Romantic Elements of the romantic element Catherine and Sean share: off the charts

Amount of episodes it took me to realize that Ash “the American dream” Lee has unstoppable aspirations to become a Stepford Wife: 9

Percent of the Lindsay montage that displayed magnificently drunktarded behavior: 100%

Percent of the Lindsay montage that illuminated why she is still there: 0%. Not even when she talked about that random war on that random rug.

Size differential between Lindsay and Sean’s initial spark and the “massive flame” it later begat: 5 sputtering bonfires

Differences between the “not a good crazy” Sean worried Lindsay would become and the “great” girl she’s proven to be: 0. Seriously, dude.

Colors of the native chickens of Thailand: 4

Gallons of blood that came pouring out of my ears upon hearing Lindsay squeal “Oh my god! There are little chickens!”: 3 liters

Wattage of the lightbulb that finally went off when Sean said, re: Lindsay, “I feel like I’m with my high school sweetheart and that’s what I’m looking for in a marriage”: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Ladies who Sean could’ve easily married in high school: 1. Here’s lookin’ at you, Ash.

How unsurprising it is that Lindsay’s version of “heaven” looks like a Chinese New Year parade on the Vegas strip: coooool it’s shinyyyyyy

How many things in her life Lindsay wouldn’t abandon for Sean: 0. Only because I haven’t heard her say she owns a glitter-coated unicorn.

Number of suffixes missing from Lindsay’s pronouncement, “I do take this serious. When it comes down to love, and family, and stuff, I take it very serious.”: 2. SERIOUSLY.

Moments I’ve prayed to be interrupted by a Thai dance troupe: 1. Make her have to sleep over to have time to profess her feelings! Genius.

All the words I’ve ever wanted to say to Chris Harrison: 8

No distractions, no interruptions, just you and me.

How much Sean needed to “hope” that AshLee would “latch on to him for support:” 0%. Latching flows freely here in Thailand, babe.

Things AshLee “won’t do” this episode: 2

1) “Caves”

2) The sex

Words that neither describe where AshLee literally is (a cave), nor where her heart figuratively is (all over the place): 2

“It’s like when you’re with the person you love, you’re going down this dark alleyway.” – AshLee

Size of foreboding cloud forming as AshLee said, “I don’t feel like there are two human beings that belong together more than him and I”: 10″ circumference

Possible ways to “morally put yourself out there,” per AshLee: 2

1) Do a good deed in front of a lot of people

2) Do a good man in front of a lot of people

Speeches necessary to “morally put yourself out there” while still having America think you’ve totallyyyy never done something like this before: 1

“Um, obviously, I as well agree that it is important to have that time. I think my only worry is that…I don’t want it to come across as that boundary that’s crossed so, um…and I know where you stand and you know where I stand so um…Yeah. I want to.”

…Morals intact.

Size of cloud as of AshLee dubbing Sean her “soulmate:” up to a 20″ circumference

Sudden growth spurt of AshLee’s-doom cloud upon hearing, “This man has literally healed my broken heart”: We are heading toward a solar eclipse.

Amount of times Catherine has to scream “Thailand” before the skipping begins: 3

Catherine: “Thailand! Thailand! Thailand”

Sean: “We are in Thailand.”

…And yet how unexpected it was to see her actually skipping: super unexpected. Cuz, like, who does that.

Amount of girls Sean calls his “best friend:” 2

Amount of years Sean would last as a girl in middle school: Psh. You can sip your Mike’s Hard alone.

Times Catherine has to say she’s “weird” before it stops sounding like a word anymore: 6

Love I suddenly felt for Catherine when she admitted why she debated spending the night with Sean: 300% gain

“I wanted to make sure I was still seen as, like, a lady. And someone that wasn’t…like that.” – Catherine

Love I suddenly lost for Sean when he admitted, “There’s a big part of me that’s attracted to the fact that Catherine is nervous about the fantasy suite:” 30% loss

Words to Sean that made me attracted to Catherine: 5

“You’re beefy and you’re hunky.” – Catherine

Tears cried by the former fat girl living inside of Catherine: ~ a river

Lines said by Catherine that Sean later repeated to Chris Harrison: 1

“I’ve honestly never been in a bathing suit more times in my life than with you.”

Things I pictured when Chrissy took center stage to describe “a man in an exotic land”: so many

Things I didn’t picture during the aforementioned Harrison Story Hour: James fucking Franco

Takes the producers allowed AshLee for her video speech: oh come on that was cruel.

Swallows by Sean during AshLee’s audiovisual emotional unravelling: 8

Time before cloud-turned-solar-eclipse evaporates the earth: 3, 2…

“I believe that together we are whole.” – AshLee

Other people who share Sean’s sentiment, “I’m worried that she won’t be okay once this is over today.”: SOMEBODY PUT HER ON WATCH

Times I’ve liked Lindsay this entire season: 1. Please bleep more.

Time it took me to genuinely believe the emotions of the participants on this show: 17 seasons, 9 episodes.

Limits to the crimes AshLee may commit after she gets in that car: 0. Seriously, please, quarantine this woman.

“Ultimate rejects”: 1

Fear I feel to even type ashlee’s name right now, even if all in lower-case: somuchwhyamidoingthis

Final words: 33

WAIT WHAT DID SHE WHISPER TO HERSELF?! WAS IT A HEX?! WHAT IF SHE BURNS DOWN ALL THE ROSES IN ALL THE LAND?! WHO IS ON TOP OF CHRIS HARRISON’S SECURITY DETAIL?! HELPPPPP

The Final Battle Between Good and Evil

I can’t breathe.

Dare to dream, little Gramcracker.

Ugh. Honestly. Like, I get that hometown dates is just the calm before the mind-blowing-achievement-of-television-programming storm that is “the fantasy suites” episode but…really. Why.

Maybe it was the game of ultimate fishbee (akin to ultimate frisbee, minus the frisbee, plus a fish…about equal in sex appeal). Or perhaps it was the astounding lack of genetic gifts bestowed upon these ladies’ parents (I’m sorry but if Des can hire an actor, so can ABC). Idk, you guys. I just k that I’m bored. And I miss Tierra.*

…But whatever, I’m a martyr. So, here you go.

The Bachelor , Season 17, Episode 8, by the numbers:

Remaining contestants: 4

Hometowns: 4

Homegirls: 1. [See image.]

Houstons in Texas: 1 (We call this a “segway”)…

Rank on shock-o-meter that AshLee’s profession of love for Sean really “took [him] by surprise:” 10. Where 10 is “If she didn’t say it, I’d kick her off.” #lesleymproblems

Correlation of logical-spelling-of-name to coherent-stringing-together-of-words: positive…that your name’s spelled like a stripper’s and English is your second language.

“I see this man who I have fallen into love with.” – AshLee

Amount of times AshLee has raised her arms and fist-pumped God in the last 2 episodes: at least 3. Stop that now.

Years AshLee’s been “dreaming of this day”: 32 – “4 or 5″ = 27 or 28

Possible subjects of AshLee’s dreams heretofore: a bevy. Such as:

1) Racial equality

2) Peace on earth

3) A world where everyone says “good morning”

Upon meeting them, Sean’s skepticism that these are really AshLee’s adoptive parents and not directly related to her: nope, all good

The best way to introduce your boyfriend to your parents: 6 words — “We rolled around in the sand.”

Amount of other women you have to date to make it “very scary” to ask a man for his daughter’s hand in marriage: 3. Dating 2 or below? You’re golden.

Possible answers for “are you in love with my daughter?” that will satisfy no one: 2

1) “I’m crazy about your daughter.”

2) “Let’s eat sushi.” (Because it’s really not very filling.)

Amount of kids AshLee’s parents have fostered over the years: 16

Amount of hope I have that they picked their 16 kids to raise them on a Bachelor Contestant Farm: all the hope

Descriptions of AshLee by her dad that Sean may be doomed to repeat: 2

1) I love her.

2) This is gonna be really hard to give back.

Aforementioned descriptions that Sean may have said when becoming revirginized: 1

Seattles in Washington: 1 (We call this a “mirrored segway”)…

Catherine’s rate of increasing whimsy: 6 whimsigrams per episode

Amount of fish Sean can catch: 4 out of 4

Amount of fish Catherine can catch: 1 out of 2

Amount of fish in the sea: questionable

Possible monikers for Catherine’s grandmother: 3

1) “Lola”

2) “Gramcracker”

3) “Winner of Season 17″

Based on Catherine’s explanation of “Mano,” Philippine traditions that sound strikingly similar to Bachelor traditions: 1. And kissing is part of both.

With this episode’s addition of Catherine and Lindsay, amount of women who demand Sean to do push-ups while they sit on him: HE’S NOT A PIECE OF MEAT

How well Catherine’s sisters get out full sentences: 0% well

How much smarter her sisters still manage to seem than any contestant on the show: 99% (LESLEY M, YOU ARE THE 1%)

How pissed Catherine will be when she realizes her sister told her potential fiance that he shouldn’t marry her because she’s more or less bipolar: they’ll be dead by morning

Fort Leonard Woods in Missouri: 1 (We call this “overkill”)…

Amount of stars a general needs to meet a Bachelor: 2

Amount of stars a general needs to meet Chris Harrison: there aren’t enough in the sky

Number of women who “bring out the kid” in Sean: 2 

…And/or number of kids living inside of Sean: 2

Prayers I’ve said for Lindsay and Sean after seeing “a look at what [their] life would be like,” a.k.a. walking around an antique shop in Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri: Are you there, God? It’s me, lithium.

Ostensible reasons Sean is still with Lindsay: 3

1) “Lindsay is very ready to get married…”

2) “…and she’s ready to start a family…”

3) “…and I want to cultivate our relationship as much as I can.”

Ostensible reasons Lindsay would make a good farm animal: 2. I don’t think Missouri’s legalized same-stock marriages yet.

Names you should never call the Two-Star General whose permission you seek to maybe, eventually, possibly ask his daughter’s hand in marriage, once you’ve ruled out the other 3 girls you’re hooking up with: 1

“Just call him ‘Mark’.” – Lindsay

Different kinds of “ready,” as explained by Lindsay: 2

1) “Regular ready”

2) “Army ready”

Different kinds of “ready,” in terms of how I feel about Lindsay: 2

1) “Super ready…”

2) “…for you to leave and never return.”

Things Sean figured out that no one else has: 1

“I figured out [Lindsay] was more than just the crazy person I pegged her as.” – Sean

Number of shotguns on your wall necessary to make a man feel like if he doesn’t choose your daughter as his bride, he’s a dead man: 4-5

Number of dog tags necessary to hammer home the point that if this man doesn’t marry your daughter he will literally be shot by a militia: 3-4

Number of reasons Sean really “sees himself” in Lindsay’s family: [see death threats]

Los Angeles’s in California: 1 (That was the hardest one to pluralize)…

How many hours it took Desiree to perfect the girl-next-door-goes-hiking look: 36

Size of the role of pranking in Sean and Desiree’s relationship: far too large a role

People who couldn’t possibly be real human beings in Desiree’s life: 3

1) Her brother

2) Her mother

3) Her father

People who seemed relatable: 1

1) Her fake ex

Types of women who are named Roxanne and wear red pants: 2

1) The image in your head from that description

2) The opposite of that, who also birthed Desiree

Distance the apple falls from the tree in Desiree’s family: 70 gajillion miles

Moments that make Nate, the guy with the sleeve tattoos and serial-killer smile, the most relatable person ever on this show: at least 5

1) “This is, like, stupid almost.”

2) “If it were to happen, I’d be saying to myself, ‘There’s no way this can work out.’”

3) “You’re crazy about a lot of girls, right?”

4) “I think you’re a playboy. You’re just having fun with the circumstances.”

5) Sean: “I don’t think you’re buying it.”

Nate: “Haha not at all.”

Moments that bring us back: 1 — “Mind if I holler at you?”

Conversation topics that make any situation less awkward, as demonstrated by the social butterflies that gave Desiree life: 1 – the weather. (No but really these people are terrifyingly mundane.)

Minutes I had to wait this episode until all was right in the world again: 98 minutes. Dammit Chris, get there faster. I cannot bait my breath for that long.

Misuses of the word “literally:” 1

“Are all four women literally on the chopping block tonight?” – Chris Harrison

Correct uses of the word “ideally”: 1

“Ideally, they’d literally be on the chopping block.” – me

Faces Catherine absolutely NAILS, in reverse chronological order: 2

1) The I’m-not-gonna-cry-even-though-you’re-more-decisive-about-keeping-a-cougar-and-a-drunk-baby-than-me face

2) The I’m-so-carefree-I’ll-throw-a-fish-in-your-face face

Terrible pieces of advice given by Chris Harrison: 2

1) To Sean: “My advice to you: get this right.”

2) To the mirror: “My advice to you: wear that tie.”

Emotions I felt throughout this rose ceremony: A ROLLERCOASTER OF FEELINGS

Instruments that scored said rollercoaster: like 80. It was a John Williams orchestrated theme park of tears and joy. I think I heard a lute.

Exit speeches Des studied before crafting her “all I want to do is make someone happy” soliloquy: 1. Sean Lowe’s departure from Emily Maynard. Hmm….

Words I have left to say: 4

IT’S. FANTASY. SUITES. TIME.

When Sean’s virginity better have been reborn: the week after.

*75% left eyebrow, 15% right eyebrow, 10% the space between

“We must die.” Col. William Barrett Travis

Dear Dean Stall,

First of all, how are you? Second of all, this letter is in regards to my COM104 class taking a trip to a ropes course later this semester.  I know that you have trepidation with giving this trip the green light, but let me assure you that people rarely die at a ropes course.

We have been working very hard this semester at becoming a cohesive unit.  What better way to test our cohesion than dangling above shark infested waters on a high ropes course? I feel that it would behoove you to give this project your blessing.

I know that you also think that some of my classmates may not want to go on this death defying journey of death, but everyone is on board.  On the first day of class I drew a line in the sand and said, “We must die. Our business is not to make a fruitless effort to save lives, but to choose the manner of our death.” Alright, if I’m being perfectly honest that was quote from Col. William Barrett Travis on March 5, 1836 at the Battle of the Alamo.  Have you seen movies about the Alamo? Some are good.

The ropes course itself is not very expensive. It is only $30 per person, and I’ve been selling bootleg DVD’s out of the trunk of my car to fundraise for the event.  I actually may have a copy of an Alamo movie if you want.  It’s usually $10 but I’ll help you out and only charge $5.

In conclusion, I do not see how you can sit in your desk and not let us go to the ropes course.  I mean, I do see how you could do that. It is basically what you are doing right now.  Well not right now.  You could be reading this in your office, home office, coffee shop, zoo, etc.

So in conclusion again, please let us go on this perfectly safe terrifying ropes course that I am very afraid of please don’t make me go.

Sincerely,

Jesse Kubanet

Class of 2014

I’m not crying. It’s just sparkling on my face.

So, like, I have a lot of feelings. The problem is, my emotions are inextricably linked to my eyebrows and, as any medical professional can tell you, one simply cannot control ones eyebrows. Thus, I find myself wanting to write a preamble worthy of the overwhelming glory that was this episode but I can’t…hold them…for much…

Sorry, brows are bored by you now. Really just focusing on bringing sparkle back.

The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 7, by the numbers:

Remaining contestants: 6

Remaining eyebrows under their owners’ jurisdictions: 10. Ironically, it appears Sean lost his own eyebrows long ago.

Amount of mentions of eyebrows you should expect in this post: sorry they’re not sorry

“How many times do you get to fly into St. Croix on a seaplane?”, asks Sean: …I wait with bated breath

Superflous words in Tierra’s line “I’m not friends with girls…who like my boyfriend:” 4. Also. “Boyfriend.” Really, dude?

Decision-makers involved in Tierra’s choice of cot over bed: 3. Left eyebrow wins again.

AshLee’s age, estimated based on how Tierra talks about her: 107

Truly damning evidence AshLee provides about Tierra: 1

“The second y’all have plans and y’all change y’all’s plans, she’s not gonna like it.” - Ashlee

Activities that lie in the middle of Tierra’s “not fun” v. “not cool” venn diagram: 3

“Being attacked by bugs”

“The sweatiness”

“Makeup dripping off”

Activities that lie in the middle of my “fun” v. “cool” venn diagram: 3

Tierra being attacked by bugs

The sweatiness of Tierra

Tierra’s eyebrows dripping off

Years we aged as AshLee built up to her dirty little secret: 18 years. So we’re all 1 year older than you were when you wed.

Sean’s thoughts on AshLee’s past: 1

“That’s…young.” That’s…concise.

Attributes that give Tierra much-needed depth: 3

“I’m hot and gross and thirsty.”

Constants of aforementioned attributes: 2. Guess.

How many Bachelor parades I need to see in St. Croix for me to move there: 1. I call the Arie float.

Where English ranks on the list of Tierra’s native tongues: at least 2nd. 

“I did feel there was a little distant from you. And I don’t know what it was cause from.” - Tierra to Sean. Verbatim. 

Possible causes for ABC’s decision to provide subtitles when Tierra told Sean, “I’m falling in love with you”: 2

1) She said it really quietly.

2) They were translating Sparklish.

Aspects of the group date that I will insist to see in upcoming episodes: 3

1) Pictures of the girls with no makeup

2) Sunrise to sunset road trips. But aired in real time.

3) Show-and-tell from Chris Harrison’s cartography class

Reasons Lindsay is still there: …anyone?!

Lindsay: “I didn’t expect to come this far.”

Sean: “It is crazy. Considering the first night I was like…holy crap.”

Words that make me love you forever: 4

“I hate that bitch.” – Lesley M, re: Tierra

Words that make Sean love you forever: 3

“….” - Lesley M. Uh-oh.

Reasons ABC invited Shay to St. Croix: unclear

Reasons Shay should stay forever: this 1 

“Don’t pick the girl that nobody likes.” IT’S LIKE SHE’S AN EXORCIST.

How much deeper Tierra digs her own hole when she tries to defend herself: 100,000 leagues

“Girls are jealous. Men love me.” - Tierra

Amount of buses Tierra has gotten thrown under, according to her self-report: apparently at least 8 or 9

People who share AshLee’s profound reverence for those who say “good morning:” 0. Like…she mentioned it kind of a lot.

Years it will take me to get over the following line: THE REST OF TIME

“Raised eyebrow?! Ashlee, that’s my face!” – the mouth that is run by the hair above the lid

Hours-a-day/days-a-year Tierra can control her face: 20.6/4.5

How many times AshLee has to say “go to your cot!” to make herself feel better, according to Tierra: 2

How many times I will be telling crazy bitches to go to their cots from now on: DON’T YOU DARE TRY TO SNEAK THAT AEROBED IN HERE

Instances where I’ve had any respect for Tierra: 1

Sean: “I think the world of you. I really do.”

Tierra: “Obviously not enough.”

Miles to crazytown Tierra traveled with just one simple line: you made it!

“Nobody will take my sparkle away.”

How cute it is that Catherine cried over Lesley: super cute

How cute it is that one girl cried over the cessation of the boy she makes out also making out with her friend: Right. No. It’s super weird. 

…But, really, it’s just her face.

I’M MELTING!

Dear ABC,

I want you to know I forgive you. Sure, I was a little perturbed by your lackluster response to my previous letter: A two-day Bachelor ”event” does not satisfy my plea for a seven-day Bachelor “channel.” I mean, that’s just lazy on your part. I should be pretty furious. But I’m not because something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I have witnessed a miracle abrewin’…and it has wiped all anger from my heart. And all I want to do is shout it from the rooftops:

CHRIS HARRISON IS STARTING A CLOTHING LINE.

This is how it feels to find the face of Jesus on your pizza. America is a magical country.

…Canada, however, seems pretty Tierrable.

The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 5 and 6, by the numbers:

Potential mates on Monday: 11

Potential mates by Tuesday: 6. I hope Tierra wore her sequined-Vegas-hooker bikini to the bloodbath.

Nickels I’d have if I had a nickel for every time a contestant on this show has said, “I’m gonna drink your milk in a bit. How do you feel about that?”: Sadly, only the 1. But I do so yearn for more.

Things that piss Lesley off: 3

“Weak people”

“Losing”

“Not getting time with Sean”

Things that piss Tierra off, I’d imagine:

Accountability

The “no-makeup” look

Betches

Terms contestants can use to describe their bachelor: 3

Manmeat

Meal ticket

FWB (Fickle White Boytoy)

Terms contestants cannot use to describe him: 1

“The guy I’m dating.” Na-uh, Tierra. Na-uh.

The amount of demon energy Tierra wasted on sabotaging Jackie: 32 ounces

The amount of demon belongings Tierra bothered packing in her “suitcase” before the 2-on-1: LOL

Sean’s ability to feign emotional turmoil over Tierra vs. Jackie: 0

“In Jackie…I wanna know that I enjoy being with her. And with Tierra…I’m gonna ask some probing questions.”

Number of tranquilizers the producers gave Jackie’s horse: 3

Slope at which contestants learn from their tattletale predecessors: -1/1. Snitches do not get roses. Tale as old as time.

Truthiness of Jackie’s story about Tierra, given the number of “cute guys at the airport” in the history of the airport: …how drunk are we, though?

Truthiness of Tierra’s story re: dead boyfriend: 50/50. But I’m 100% calling her “Manti Tierr’o” either way.

How badly I wish Robyn had followed through with her vow to make it “The Bad Girls Club:” IF ONLY YOU’D HAD MORE TIME

Reasons “bridal stylists” should be given honorary degrees in psychopharmacology: this one…

“[Tierra] needs a xanax and to be sent home.” – Desiree

Approximate number of shout-outs to Lake Louise and Banff National Park: ~35,000

Approximate number of shout-outs to me: ~rude

Things Catherine loves about Sean: 1 thing…+ 2 adjectives

“I love the rugged, handsome, manliness of Sean.”

Words I hear instead of “rugged,  handsome, manliness”: 4 = TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT.

Possible ways to shoot a scene in which Catherine bounces on “Sean’s giant snow bus:” 2. Wrong choice, ABC. Wrong choice.

Explanations for why Catherine must ultimately triumph over Tierra: 1 

“I’m never cold when I’m with him.” – Catherine

Explanations for why literally anyone must ultimately triumph over Tierra: 1

“She’s a crazy ass ho.” – Me

Words I have to express my feelings on Catherine’s murder-by-tree story: 0

Catherine’s lessons-to-be-learned when you see a tree fall on your camp friend: 2

1) “Be in love”

2) “Have a family”

…Literally. What.

Reasons I never want cold-weather destination dates again: 4

Rickshaw < Horse-Drawn Carriage

“Ice Castle” < Real Castle

Canoes < Helicopters

Shirts < No Shirts

Public Service Announcements on the dangers of rising above peer pressure: 1

Sean, re: Polar Bear Plunge: “You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.”

Selma, re: Polar Bear Plunge: “I’m not doing it.”

Sean, if he was a Polar Bear Puerto Rican: “Adios, Selma.”

Lines that make me sad to see Selma go: 1

“He’s like ‘This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.’ And I’m like ‘No, it’s not.’”

Number of prior instances AshLee has “wanted to do something for someone else”, as self-reported: 1. You shouldn’t say those things out loud.

Amount of newly-discovered fallback professions for former stars of American Pie: 1. Shermanator = EMT Extraordinaire!

How sure I am that Tierra is the Wicked Witch of the West: see image above

Accurate diagnoses of Tierra’s “hypothermia:” 1

“I mean, she was disheveled.” – Catherine

Tierra pun count, with the addition of “Tierrarist:” 2. Atta girl, Lesley. Putting that DC background to good use.

Things that apparently happen in Canada but nowhere else: 3

Picnics in meadows

Tree climbing

Teepee canoodles

People living in tents (That’s not a thing, Desiree.)

Terrible-date-ideas-I-would-never-want-to-participate-in, as of the teepee: nearly all

Ways to describe Lindsay: 2

“The total package” – Sean

“The drunk toddler” – objective people

Reasons that kissing on national TV is a “huge shame” to Selma’s family: 1. Because that kiss sucked.

Lessons Selma should have learned from JoJo: 1 – It’s just 2 little 2 late.

Lessons everyone should learn from Selma: 1 – You do have to do it if you don’t want to.

Please leave all alternative Tierra puns below. And look out for Haus of Harrison on a runway near you.

Looking for love in all the right places.

Once upon a time, there was a v-neck tee named George. George was a simple guy, quiet but strong; he said more with his triangle-shaped vacancy than most shirts express with both sleeves combined. Heroic, he rose up from isolation in the men’s clothing sections of the nineties, finding honor and recognition thanks to an ABC franchise with a fond appreciation for male cleavage. For many moons, George remained in that soundstage mansion with his tbffs, united in the fight for .75 pectoral coverage. George felt useful. George felt safe.

That was, alas, until George went missing.

You see, a young Bachelor came along with a heart so big that not even a trapezoid of cotton could contain its beat. At first sight of that gleaming chest of hairless glory, George acknowledged that his services were no longer needed. A tee–even à la vee–would only serve as an obstacle to this young fellow’s search for love. So, with a single tear, George wandered off…

…To be continued.*

But in the meantime…

The Bachelor Season 17 (episode two), by the numbers:

Potential mates: 19

Gratuitous shower scenes: 1

Dictionaries that define “gratuitous” as “fundamentally necessitated”: 1. How does it feel to have a mass market dictionary, dweebs?

How disconcerting it is to see Chris Harrison in his casual wear: supah strange. Leave the flannels to the common folk, Chrissy. You’re better than that.

Sororities that would ding Sean immediately for his statement, “Last night I was with 26 women. And that’s hard.”: Chi Omegazillion. But we’ll let you hang out with us because of those Delta Delta Deltoids.

Collective total feet spanned on free-falling/wall-scaling/rock-climbing/bungee-jumping dates across Bachelor seasons: twice the earth’s circumference

Dates I never want to go on: uh, duh.

Number of potential “jumping” and “falling” metaphors omitted by Sarah and Sean, thus forsaking the age old tradition of Bachelor gravity-related poetry: 360 feet’s worth. WHO DO YOU PEOPLE THINK YOU ARE?!

How much “butt” Tierra’s “gotta kick out:” “some”

How much butt Courtney Robertson kicked out: bitch, please. Step it up, Tierra.

Number of Harlequin book covers landed by the winner of the group date: 3

How ironically suited the majority of the contestants are to the definition of “harlequin,” i.e. “a conventional buffoon of the commedia dell’arte:” doyoulikehowi’mpretendingtohaveknownthatdefinitionalready

How cheated I feel that the Fifty Shades of CRAY girl isn’t here for this episode: 69 thousand modicums of cheated

Percent “au naturel” Tierra claims to be: 100%

French dictionaries that define “au naturel” as “opposite of natural”: 1. Hey! A fellow lover of rare etymology!

Amount of eyes glaring at Lesley M during her shoot: “12 sets of eyes”

Amount of eyes seeing only sapphic fantasies during Kristy’s shoot: the same 12

Openings Lesley had to kiss Sean while seated on a cozy chaise from The Renaissance Era: a dozen

Openings Lesley took to finally make a move: 1. Amongst a thicket of shrubbery with absolutely no build up. Smooth.

Fictional years of backstory necessary to make us believe that Kacie was ever Sean’s “good girlfriend:” like 10

Fact checking I plan on doing regarding anything anyone says on this show: like LOL

Shared cost of Selma and Kacie B’s 5-piece Hair Volumizing Bump It set (*as seen on TV*): $5.49

Misappropriated money that should have been used on Frizz-Ease for Katie: $549 million. It’s like more air than hair.

…Aforementioned frizz balls to depart the show preemptively: 1. Cuz guess what? Gurl doesn’t care.

Pranks I don’t appreciate in this episode: 1. The obviously fake Bachelor Art Exhibit.

Precious works of art showcased in the true-life Bachelor Art Exhibit: 1. Chris Harrison, le poulet un petit sculpted by angels.

Things heretofore unknown by Desiree until this date: 3

1) Sean’s been hiding a mischievous side.

2) People are sometimes named “Sven.”

3) Something called “Chernobyl” exists and it must be some sort of wizard.

Sides of Sean that Desiree has seen by the end of their date: “every side”

Sides of Sean that we have not seen by the end of their date: his backside. Rude.

Lines that aren’t gonna cut it when we get to the fantasy suite: 1 in particular…

“It just felt right to…make out a little.” – Desiree

Possible explanations for Amanda’s behavior at the cocktail party that doesn’t involve the aid of pharmaceuticals: 0. Your smile haunts my dreams.

Americans that join Robyn in  ”watching how…it became more diverse…with people…with ethnicity:” 7,999,999 viewers. Because I don’t see color. I see daddy issues.

True triumphs of diversity on this show to date, as bravely exhibited by Lesley H: 1. Girl got a rose in a turtleneck. Times they are a-changin’ for realz.

*Join me in the effort to retrieve Sean’s shirt by spreading the word. #FINDGEORGE