Paula Deen Is Lying To You

This piece was written by Lindsay Goldenberg.  She has written for Maxim, Rolling Stone, and several other magazines that she’s too lazy to list but that would totally make you think she’s cool.  You can follow her on twitter, here.

Last week, celebrity chef Paula Deen admitted to the world that she had Type 2 diabetes, which is linked to obesity, diet, lifestyle, and genetics.

As if it wasn’t bad enough knowing that all the food she’s made over the years probably contributed to million of pounds and insulin spikes across America, the butter-filled blonde waited a whole three years to reveal her diagnosis. As she said on The Today Show, she wanted to wait to announce it until she had gathered enough “information” on the disease. And no, not the good kind of information, like 60% of America is overweight and needs to eat healthier foods.   All that is unfortunate, and maybe makes her a less than awesome person.  But here is where she morphs in to being a total piece of shit;  The reason she waited, while she happily applauded shoving butter in to any orifice that wouldn’t spit it out, was because she wanted to wait until she could tell people she’s taking a new diabetes drug called Victoza, which she’s getting paid to endorse and let’s her live life the way she wants to. It’s super tasty, y’all!

In what can only be a sneaky attempt to prove to America that you can eat whatever you want as long as you’re on drugs, Paula Deen was caught shoving a cheeseburger into her mouth on a Caribbean cruise yesterday. (BTW, did you know that every time Paula Deen chews, a child dies in Africa?) Looking at that picture is a lot like watching a drunk person get behind the wheel: You don’t know if they’re going to kill themselves or someone else, but you know you should probably sto…Hey! Is that Halle Berry over there??

I think it’s time Paula Deen stops lying to America by finally admitting that she gave herself diabetes, and that she doesn’t care if she gave it to you either. She’s like Telly in that movie Kids, except instead of giving HIV to virgins, she’s handing already fat Americans a loaded gun made of lard. To encourage Paula Deen to start living an honest life and become a better person, I’ve redesigned some of her cookbook covers to show what they really are: a scary look into the mind of a delusional, money-hungry, food-hungry, diabetic. It’s scarier than any horror movie you’ve seen.

6 Responses to Paula Deen Is Lying To You

  1. bert says:

    I preferred the original title.

  2. Meg says:

    You do realize that she doesn’t eat just what she cooks, right? A season’s worth of all the shows she films takes 30 days. Yes, she tastes what she eats, but doesn’t eat all of it. Also, viewers want to see her cooking old-school, full-flavored, Southern comfort cooking. It’s a job. She’s a personality. I doubt Bobby Flay eats that much meat or Guy eats at greasy spoon diners all the time.

    The cookbook covers are funny. The rest is pretty hateful and ignorant.

  3. Gary says:

    I’m pretty sure Paula does more than just “taste” her food. I’m also pretty sure Paula doesn’t cook a bunch of crappy food for the show, only to go home and eat a salad. Whatever she’s been eating gave her diabetes.

  4. Zuul says:

    she doesn’t drive around making people eat the stuff, she simply represents older home-style cooking on the food network. her health is her business, and she has no duty to anyone to make it public. also, whoever wrote this has a poor understanding of diabetes, and is in general kind of an ignorant cunt. you don’t like paula dean, good for you, but to imply that she’s responsible for anyone’s diabetes but her own is retarded. also, a cheeseburger is not something a diabetic can’t eat if they are considered a controlled diabetic.

  5. Gozer says:

    Zuul: Just how fat are you? I bet you’re really fat.

  6. Joey says:

    What’s the difference between fat and really fat? The word really. If you’re a fat fuck you’re a fat fuck, period.