wuuuuuv… twooo wuuuuuuuv…….


We asked D.L. Morrison to make us a picture gallery of people at weddings wearing silly hats. But, he started to go on and on about how 85% of the hats sold in the U.S. are now made in China with inhumane slave labor in factories that are destroying our planet.

So we said “FINE… then…make a gallery of people at weddings riding in ridiculous limos.” And he started going ON and fucking ON about how everyone willy-nilly throws 20 gallons of gas into our giant cars so we can help pollute the earth while we drive ourselves to the mall to get some dippin’ dots… Then he said something about gas companies and corporations and wars and lobbyists and …whatever…some other stuff. My mind went to ice cream land once he mentioned dippin’ dots.

So finally we said “FINE!!! …ASSHOLE!!  If you go get us some dippin’ dots you can write whatever the fuck you want to write. He countered with local organic ice cream that’s produced on a family owned farm. We said “OK.  That sounds delicious.” 


With gay marriage a major issue in yet another presidential election the media is doing the country a disservice by not reporting the bigger picture. The real question is, why would anyone, gay or straight want to get married in 2012?

Love, religion and children are common arguments loyalists use to defend marriage’s merits. True love between two people is beautiful and natural. So why invite the government into the relationship? Any twelve-year-old kid can tell you that courts and lawyers are to be avoided at all costs, but adults still line up to tie what can turn out to be a very expensive knot. The legal, financial, and emotional costs of a divorce take away one’s ability to threaten a break-up. Which leads to people ignoring unacceptable spousal behaviors.

Like doing yoga 3 times a day.

Marriage in America is hodepodge of outdated religious rituals. Don’t get me wrong, I have absolute faith in the power of the church with all of my heart. In the areas of fundraising, showmanship, degrading women, indoctrinating children, spreading fear and guilt, evading taxes, erecting palaces, donning ornate jewelry and costumery, and thwarting science, their international reach and expertise is unsurpassed. A truly astounding feat in this day and age.

"Just bring me one more handful of gold. I feel naked up here."

That being said the church is an extremely odd place to look for contempory guidance about relationships and sexual behavior.  If as a society we are going to cling onto cult ceremonies, should we bring back Mayan human sacrafices? …Televise it and do pay-per-text reality voting. The revenue could be used to lower corporate taxes.

At this point as a reader I bet you’re saying one of two things to yourself: “You are going to burn in hell!”, or, “KIDS! To raise children! THAT’S the point of getting married!”
I honestly believe I will spend eternity aflame…and burns hurt more than anything. Jesus chose a great deterant. But, since I’m super-brave, I will soldier on and deal with my punishment. Hedonism has a price folks.

As for kids, it’s a valid point. Human children are the most important resource. More important than the sun even. At least until they grow up and disappoint the family.

Homo sapiens did just fine rearing children for hundreds of thousands of years prior to the invention of matrimony.

There is one legitimate reason to wed.  As a means of financial and/or social climbing, marriage makes complete sense. The problem is hardly anybody has money anymore, and those that do have circled their luxury SUV’s and locked their gated communties. Plus as a man, the only obvious route to marrying money is being a back-up dancer for a pop-star and I don’t dance that well.

But I'm practicing everyday.

Anyway, its lights out at the facility at which I reside so I have to stop preaching against the practices of the preachers. I’ll leave you with several final words of advice: Under any circumstances never let any preists, ministers, rabbis, imams or any other self-proclaimed shamans play with your genitals.

4 Responses to wuuuuuv… twooo wuuuuuuuv…….

  1. Dustin says:

    Fuck getting marriage and having kids!

  2. yeah but what about the sweet snow suit, epic powder, thunder and lightening and pretty dress? fuck the church i just wanted to throw a party and shred epic pow – thanks to you and Mother Nature for making that possible!!!

  3. i am married and ironically a wedding planner but i hear the words coming outta yer mouth…

  4. Kelsey Hatlevik says:

    Refreshingly caustic and at times irreverent. There will be no stereotypes of love, marriage and children…After all thousands of years and millions of people could be wrong? But I also couldn’t stop myself from laughing out loud!

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