WITH THIS ROSE, I THEE BED: BACHELOR PAD (SEASON FIN-AHH-LE), BY THE NUMBERS

Kalon + Lindzi + Me = Sometimes dreams really do come true. (Except when it’s Rachel’s dream.)

Dear Rachel,

Oy.

Best wishes on all your future endeavors,

Emily

P.S. But did you hear I met Kalon and Lindzi and we’re best friends forever now?!?! Because that happened and we are. And they’re totally reading this right now and texting me the entire time about how funny and perfect I am. (You guys, seriously. I’m trying to focus.) So, this one’s goin’ out to them…

…Sorry, Rach, it’s also partially to you. Least I can do after your life just REALLY fell apart there. Like seriously the worst things that could’ve happened happening all at once. Like your life just got really epically miserable very quickly and in front of millions of viewers. So, as I said, least I can do.

Bachelor Pad Season Finale, by the numbers:

Remaining contestants: 4

Remaining contestants anyone ever really liked at all: 1 – Rachel…Irony.

Extra “h”‘s Chris Harrison adds to the word “finale”: at least 2

Number of times Chris Harrison says “finahhle” in this finale: 9

= Math: at least 18 unnecessary “h”‘s

Accessories it takes to make Erica Rose and her plexiglass hammer/scepter look utterly normal, as demonstrated by the gypsy-at-a-New-Year’s-rave to her right (Jamie): 3

1) Symmetrical glitter face tatoos

2) Earrings with at least 9 shrunken CD-Roms per lobe

3) What can only be described as a Rhinestone Hair G-String

Types of crazy that should describe everything, always, forever: 1

“This season was alotta-alcohol crazy.” - Michael

Beloved comfort food that can also be used to describe Blakely, according to Blakely: 1

“I’m gonna be an emotional banana sandwich.”

How badly I want to join Chris Harrison in the hot seat: YOU GUYS DON’T KNOW HOW GOOD YOU HAVE IT

According to Jaclyn, what the whole Rachel drama is: “1 of those ‘forgive and never forget.’”

Other ones of those “forgive and never forget:” 0. Because that’s not a thing, nor a full sentence.

Fingers Jaclyn used to put quotations around “best friends” when describing her former relationship with Rachel: 4. That’s full quotation. Ouch.

Times Bachelor Pad has made anyone believe in love before Blakely’s sincerely (REALLY!) adorable speech: 1. Opposite day.

Words necessary to insert into a description to make it utterly condescending: 1

“This apparently amazing man, Tony.” – Chris Actually-Amazing-Man Harrison

Items on Blakely’s list of why she loves Tony that really means anything to me: 1 — “…And he has cable.”

Seconds Blakely paused (in silent prayer for an altered reality) between “I’m moving to…” and “…Portland, Oregon:” 4

Gasps I’m not too proud of this evening: 1, the “OMG-HE’S-PROPOSING?!” gasp

Gasps I’m totally fine with this evening: 1, the “OMG-HE’S-PUTTING-NEIL-LANE-ON-HANDS-WITH-AVRIL-BLUE-POLISH?!” gasp (…And that is how Blakely won Bachelor Pad.)

How to interpret Michael’s explanation to Rachel, “When I kissed you, I liked you.” 1 = “I was horny and you were there.”

What % Rachel was falling in love with Michael, in her own way-too-truthful words: 100%

What % Michael was falling in love with Rachel, in his own way-too-truthful words: 0%

What % of shit in Rachel’s life is hitting the fan at this point: 50% of the shit (Wait for it.)

Number of people calling Chris a goddamn slut since the show: 3 — his sister, his father, ME. (Ya goddamn slut.)

Thoughts I had about Nick before the last 10 minutes of the finahhle: 1 - “Who is Nick? Oh, he must be one of the Night Ranger guys.”

Thoughts I had about Nick after he suddenly became the human embodiment of evil: 1 - “Why is the guy from Night Ranger such a dick?”

Rachel’s SHIT : FAN ratio by the end of the finahle: 1 : 1

The least comforting words Rachel will ever hear: 3

“BP3! Anything goes!” – Nick Fucking-Schmuck

The second least comforting words Rachel will ever hear: 6

“But I met Kalon and Lindzi!” – *this guy*

 

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