So, I wasn’t planning on writing about this episode…I’d like to say it’s because I’m super busy or super popular or super rebellious. And, I mean, I’m usually all those things. But last week I was just feeling super lazy. But then…this episode. It was like I’d died and gone to heaven, delivered on the wings of guyliner-ed doves and manscara-ed angels. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined this show would reach such heights of perfection. Even while my ears produced an alarming amount of blood, I felt no pain. So, thank you, ABC…Thank you, Night Ranger…And most of all, thank you, Bachelor Pad costume department. You have brought joy to America.
…THOUGH WHY THE FUCKING FUCK WASN’T CHRIS HARRISON WEARING LEATHER?! THIS WAS OUR MOMENT!
Anyway, to the bat(shitcray)cave!
Bachelor Pad Episode 7, by the numbers:
Remaining contestants: 8
Duration of banishment from The Bachelor Pad when you lose, according to Chris Harrison: FOREVERRR
Duration of banishment from The Bachelor Pad when you lose, according to ABC, as evidenced by Erica Rose and Blakely: ONE SEASONNN
Episodes lapsed since previous mention of “hot sludge fundae:” 4. That’s far too many
Names contestant Chris meant to say when he described “Sarah” as “an unstoppable force with an incredible amount of knowledge on Bachelor and Bachelor Pad: AHEMMMMM
SPF used by Jaclyn or Nick, to date: 0
Interest in Jaclyn and Nick, to date: 0. Lather up or die alone, kids.
What point we’re at in Night Ranger’s career after their star-turn on Bachelor Pad: low-ish(?)
Number of Ed’s “creative moves” described on camera: 1
How many creative moves I know he has in him: 500,000 million. Editors, a word please?
Minimum number of bowls smoked by Nick and Rachel’s singing coach, “the pianist from Glee,” before teaching them to “be a unicorn and smell soup:” 4.5
Years it takes before you too can have your “karaoke Ph.D.” like Ed: 2. But it’s really more of a lifetime of academia.
Though she claims it’s “not my priority,” where “hitting a high C” surely ranks in Rachel’s to-do list: Top 5, easy.
Contestants who find the opportunity to bring up “motorboating” on this show: 1. Really, guys?! That’s it?! Nick, you’ve outplayed them all.
Number of bleeps necessary to exhibit true frustration: 3. Yo, Ed, I think Nick and Rachel’s singing coach could give you something for your nerves.
Words I can muster in reaction to Jaclyn’s statement that her karaoke rendition of Sister Christian will be “the most important 24 hours of my life thus far:” 2 — Oh…Honey.
How meta it is that “fan” contestant Sarah has fans in the concert audience: hella meta
Number of writers who could have come up with Chris’s line, “Hopefully, I don’t sweat off my arms:” 0. This is as real as it gets.
Number of undone buttons it takes for Chris Harrison to let loose: 1
Number of buttons remaining unjustly buttoned: TOO MANY, CHRIS. TOO MANY.
Members of Night Ranger on the judging panel: 3
Members of Night Ranger heretofore recognized: 0
Members of Night Ranger thereafter relevant: 0
How many lines it took for me to forget what I mean when I say “Night Ranger”: 3
Proper ways to react to Sarah’s performance: numerous, but especially–
“I can’t tell if Sarah is dancing or if there is something legitimately wrong with her. I’m about to call the medic. Somebody help us.” – Jaclyn
“Sarah looked like a monkey that was being electrocuted on stage by some kind of thunder bolt coming down on her.” – Ed
Proper ways to show you’ve officially LOST IT, as detailed by thunder-electrocution-monkey Sarah: 1
“I think that we’re just really good at stuff is what’s going on.”
BFF pairs in episodes 1-6: 1. Jaclyn + Rachel 4LYFE.
BFF pairs after Rachel TOTALLY BACKSTABS HER BESTIE FOR A GUY SHE DOESN’T EVEN LIKE EVEN THOUGH JACLYN ALWAYS HAD HER BACK AND LIKE NEVER EVER BETRAYED HER AND TOTALLY STUCK BY HER THROUGH THICK AND THIN AND WAS JUST SO CLEARLY TOO GOOD FOR THAT BITCH: Sorry. What was I counting?
Years Jaclyn was in a sorority (and fucking RULED it), based on the below reaction to Rachel: 4
“What a bitch! Go fuck yourself! I want nothing to do with her ever again. Like she’s [BETCHES-WHO-BLEEP] honestly. She’s a peace of shit…I’m mad at myself for believing she was a friend…She’s dead to me.”
Days Rachel lasted in sorority rush, based on the below reflection on Jaclyn: 1. At most.
“I feel like I was a disloyal friend…I don’t think that was the right decision.”
No, Rachel. I don’t think it was. And something tells me (like, unfair hindsight, perhaps), karma’s gonna be a bitch…[SEE NEXT POST WHERE RACHEL GETS SHIT HANDED TO HER LIKE SHIT'S NEVER BEEN HANDED TO ANYONE]