WITH THIS ROSE, I THEE BED: BACHELOR PAD (EPISODE 6), BY THE NUMBERS

[Soundtrack provided by Sarah McLachlan]

Dear Bachelor Pad producers/writers/pervy-puppeteers,

You did a brave thing last night. You took frothy, soft-core porn and elevated it to social commentary, creating a platform for public discourse. The first-annual Bachelor Pad Spelling Bee gave a surgically-enhanced face to one of the gravest dilemmas in our nation’s history, and it is a cause that can no longer go overlooked. As we’ve learned time and time again, we must recognize the problem before we can work towards a solution. So, let the silence end now as we acknowledge this undeniable truth:

Reality stars are really pretty and really stupid.

R-E-A-L-L-Y.

Need convincing? How about some quantitative data, in the form of, Bachelor Pad Episode 6, by the numbers? Fine. If you insist…

 

Remaining contestants: 10

Individual identities stolen, as now competing in teams: 10

Individual identities prior to “new format”: 1. Ed truly is an island.

Chris’s core qualities, as pointed out by Blakely: 3 – “Shady, manipulative, and dirty.”

What we call the aforementioned qualities here at Bachelor Pad: THE TRIFECTA.

Men who wore suits to the spelling bee: 1. Chris Harrison, you are a gentleman among scoundrels.

Viewers shocked at Blakely’s admission, “School is not my strong suit:” 0

Viewers shocked at Tony’s admission, “I probably couldn’t even spell the word ‘spelling’ right now:” Many, one would hope.

Number of muggles present on the judge’s panel, according to Blakely’s analysis of their…wearing glasses (?): 0. Duh. Clearly an “entourage of Harry Potter kids.”

Amount of times I read this logo as “Bachelor Pad Bee Spelling”: at least 5. Seriously, I think that’s what they meant.

Top priorities of the average Bachelor Pad contestant, based on the only words they could all spell: 5

LOVE

ROSE

KISS

SEXY

HEART

Distinctions apparently unclear to Chris “Your word: ‘ENGAGEMENT RING’” Harrison: 1 – The famously tricky word/phrase distinction

Actually difficult words to spell: 3

BOUTONNIERE

LASCIVIOUS

COCKAMAMIE (“But you spelled ‘cockamay.’”)

Not-at-all difficult words to spell: 5

ENGAGEMANT

JEWLRY

CEROMONY

ELININATION

TITALAIT (But comic gold.)

Cost of the forthcoming Bachelor Pad Refrigerator Magnet Collection: priceless

After the spelling bee, Bachelor Pad events that made Sarah realize she’s “living with a bunch of idiots:” 1 in 657 possible events to-date

How many of us this Kalon quote makes: “I mean never would I ever have imagined the spelling bee would be the most brutal challenge to date:” that makes 1 of us

Sympathy felt for Rachel due to this statement about Michael’s absence: “I don’t know what he’s doing or what he’s thinking or what he’s feeling:” ZILCH. Rachel, meet dating. Dating, meet Rachel.

How much Sarah means to contestant Chris: uhhh

“She’s not only my partner, but she’s my girl on the show.”

Episodes it took for Jaclyn to unlock the secret to loyalty on Bachelor Pad: 6. IT’S THE PINKY SWEAR! DOY!

Number of personalities of Jaclyn: 2

Jaclyn: “I’m scared of rejection and I hate it. It makes me nervous, it gives me anxiety, I’m having a panic attack right now.”

Hyde: “I’ve done everything so normally and so cool and been really chill about everything.”

Things Ed wants out of his “partnership” with Jaclyn: 1

“Hooking up and that stuff is all part of this process.”

“When we sleep together, it’s very comforting. It solidifies our trust.” (Nice.)

The proper reaction to Ed’s intentions, as demonstrated by Jaclyn: 1

“You’re making me feel like an insignificant piece of shit.”

The utterly inexplicable reaction to Ed’s intentions, as demonstrated by Jaclyn: 1

“I can’t live without him.”

If Ed is right, and this is “like a Facebook status thing,” likely statuses: 2

Ed is in an open relationship with Jaclyn Swartz

Jaclyn is married to Ed Swiderski

Subtlety involved in Kalon’s “power of suggestion” strategy: 0

“The only way for us to stay is for everyone to vote Nick and Rachel.”

Gardening involved in Kalon’s “power of suggestion” strategy: quite a bit

“Plant seeds, hang back in the shadows, and let everybody else water them.”

 

There it is, your call to arms. Please help these poor illiterate disease-ridden souls. If for no other reason than to warm my sexy rose heart.

 

 

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