I mean…HOW could she have seen that coming?

Number of potential winners: 12

Number of accurate analogies used by contestants in the show’s history: 1, so spake Blakely…

“What would I compare Chris to? The shit on the bottom of my shoe.”

Number of digits rapidly dialed after hearing Michael’s threat, “If your name isn’t Chris, you are safe.”: 39+1+1. CHRIS HARRISON NEEDS IMMEDIATE PROTECTION.

Years Kalon attended law school, as evidenced by his defense, “Well, yeah, I’m a liar. You want me…elaborating on that?”: 0. But that’s mere conjecture.

Number of amigos in peril: TRES AMIGOS! Chris, Ed, Kalon, where has the love gone?

According to precedent set by Chris, the number of necessary references to one’s status as a “grown-ass man” to get one’s point across: 3

Increase in promo screen time bought by Tony with the line, “Relationships are tarnished, man. Trust is gone.” – 5-fold. Nicely done.

Number of conflicting reports on the length of Blakely’s tenure at Hooters: 3

            Jaclyn: “Her entire life.”

            Chris: “35 years”

            Chris, 7-minutes-later edition: “25 years”

Number of years Blakely actually worked at Hooters: 13

How glad Blakely is that she’s had so much “VIP Cocktail Waitress” experience: SO glad…As are we, Blakely. As are we.

Lyrics involved in the original song inspired by Erica’s lack of hustle in the cup-stacking-race, as composed by Sir Michael Stagliano: 4 (1) da, 2) doopy, 3) boopy, 4) boop)

            “Da doopy boopy da boop boop boop.”

Based on Sarah’s assessment that stacking 6 cups on a tray must be “how Olympic swimmers feel,” odds that Sarah’s ever met an Olympic swimmer: 1:50 trillion

Definitions of chopping block, apparently: 2. The actual definition and…

“The definition of chopping block is my name. I mean, I am on the chopping block.” – Chris

Components of Blakely’s masterful coaching strategy: 3 – “Set it. Turn around. Go.”

Grave misunderstandings of the word “overnight”: 2

“The word ‘overnight’ made me think about jets, and helicopters, and vegas. I’m sure it’s gonna be luxurious and fancy. Who knows? We can have jet packs to take us to a private island.” – Blakely

“I’d rather have an overnight date because maybe you get the chance to take a trip somewhere or fly on a plane somewhere.” – Tony

Amenities it took to teach Blakely and Tony that “overnight” means “time to bone”: 3, as told by Lindzi — “A map, a jeep, and a date with a lumber salesman.”

Number of people who would see Kalon’s Walking Dead reboot, as described below: 1 (I mean, I’m supportive.)

“I feel like if zombies took over the world, this is what it’d be like. Like you and me, kicking it on a bridge, having dinner.”

Number of people who find Blakely at risk for biting Tony’s head off: 2. Both Chris and Sarah. Speaking separately… So that might actually happen.

Rate of agreement between my dislikes and Blakely’s dislikes: .75. I, too, do not like “bugs and snakes and coyotes.” But, come on… “wood badger monsters?” Those are the MOST docile of badger monsters.

Time lapse between Blakely correctly identifying the model of trailer and separating her hair into pigtails: 5 seconds.

Reenactments of the conversation that birthed The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise: 1

            Sarah: Do you think they’ll get married?

Chris: I don’t know.

Sarah: There’s someone for everybody.

Chris: Yeah.

Number of roses I sent to the post-production team for including subtitles to clarify Sarah’s question, “Did you guys make whoopee?”: NOWHERE NEAR ENOUGH

Toes in grave peril if Tony crosses Blakely: 1 – “If he were to give the rose to Sarah, I’ll break his big toe.” BUT WHICH ONE?! HE HAS TWO! AND EIGHT OTHERS AT RISK!

Frequency with which Jaclyn and Ed sleep in the same bed: 100% of nights

After Ed assures America that Jaclyn is nothing more than a warm body and a smushed nose (I’m paraphrasing), frequency with which Ed will be sleeping alone: 100% of nights. And preferably with 1 eye open.

Words spoken to my TV in response to Michael’s statement, “I need to take a shower after tonight’s rose ceremony.”: 1. And the word was “word.”



  1. Elizabeth Kaye says:

    Emily Hirshey is sharp and clever, edgy and witty, original and surprising.

    More please!!