WITH THIS ROSE, I THEE BED: BACHELOR PAD (EPISODE 3), BY THE NUMBERS

Consider Your Dreams Haunted

Once upon a time, a young boy found himself at a rest-stop Friendly’s. Perusing the menu, he was overwhelmed by all the magical dessert items up for grabs.

“What ever will I order?” thought the boy.

He approached the counter in a haze, praying that the answer would come to him before his time had expired. His anxiety and indecision was on the verge of causing him emotional pain and an empty stomach. But then, just as the moment was nigh, a revelation!

“I’ll have a hot sludge fun day,” he announced.

The cashier looked at him bewildered.

“I’m sorry, did you mean a hot fudge sundae? There’s no such thing as a hot sludge fun day.”

The boy glanced at her and with a mischievous smile. With a gleam in his eye he responded, “Not yet, perhaps. But there will be…Oh, yes. There will be.”

And the boy was escorted out by security for being high on opium.

But young Chris was a prophet—a really stoned prophet—whose dream came to life last night, for all the world to see. And, my word, it was glorious…

Alas, we come upon the whimsy, nay, the glory, of Bachelor Pad Episode 3, by the numbers:

Number of potential winners: 16

Amount of things this game is about, as detailed by Ed: 3

1)   Influence

2)   Perception

3)   Flat-out lying

Stripper poles included in all transportation: 1 (Thanks for pointing that one out, Jamie.)

Number of times Chris Harrison was asked to say “hot sludge fun day”: 10 times fast

Number of times he could actually say it: 3. I said he was a prophet, not a WIZARD.

Years this franchise has been waiting for a contestant to say, “It’s my turn to get into the nutsack”: 10. David’s a national hero.

Excess minutes spent showing the contestants hosing themselves down post-sludge: TRICK QUESTION. EVERY MINUTE WAS NECESSARY FOOTAGE.

Foreshadowing of challenges-to-come: 1…

  “I’d rather do rhythmic gymnastics naked than do that again.” – Donna

Years I’ve waited to be described the way David was (“He studied the game before the game even existed.”): 23

Number of recourses when you stumble upon a prom: 1—“Shut the front door!”

Direction in which David knows his dates will dress: “to the nines

Number of times I rewound the scene where Chris’s line was subtitled as “I smell like a black eye”: oh, thousands.

Number of episodes it took for someone to say, “Karma’s a bitch”: 3. Lazy.

Days a week Jamie’s mom apparently “started to disappear”: 2…depending on whether said “weekends” were national holidays.

Additions to Blakely’s “Diarrhea List”: 1. David, meet Dairy Products and Fish Tacos.

Bad things, like, started by Chris kissing Jamie, in spite of being partners with Blakely: 2

1)   “Like, a war.”

2)   “Like, a perfect storm.”

Amount of people in this world unfamiliar with the concept of a wax museum: 4 total. No, Rachel, you’re not actually surrounded by celebrities.

Steps to creating your very own Bachelor or Bachelorette, finally revealed by Dr. Harrison: 3

1)   Full hair

2)   Full makeup

3)   Latex

Strength it took everyone involved not to make an Emily Maynard joke in response to Rachel’s line, “Trying to act like a wax figure is much harder than it looks”: I…Help.

FILL IN THE BLANK–Based on the exchange below, words to describe Chris’s feelings toward Jamie that originated on an episode of Sex and the City and became the title of a best-selling book and subsequent popular ensemble romcom: 5

Jamie: Chris…

Chris: Not tonight.

Jamie: Why?

Chris: Just because.

The degree to which Jamie doesn’t get it: nth

“I’m at…like…the rope is thin.”

Superheroes who got their start on Bachelor Pad: 1. Greetings, Captain Protein Powder!

Lines easily used to recap any episode of Bachelor Pad, spoken here to describe Tony’s experience as a wax statue: 1

“It was so funny. I mean…kind of sad and embarrassing.”

Expected responses to Chris’s question to the group, “What’s going on this week?”: 1—“NM, U?”

Unexpected responses to the aforementioned questions: 1“I feel like we’re all on edge so we’re almost scared to talk at this point because we feel like someone might be listening in on us or overanalyzing us and judging our conversations so we’re just in this very like somber mood where we’re scared to talk at this point.” WHOA. SLOW YA ROLL, LISA.

Astrology-based strategies: 1

“I’m a Scorpio. I will sting the shit out of you. In retrospect. For real.”– Blakely

Meaningful lessons on the art of “scraping,” as provided by Donna, as she makes out with Nick moments before she gets the boot: 1

“Everyone’s getting action but me…I can’t leave the bachelor pad and not hook up with somebody. Like, that’s crazy.”

Donna’s last words, to-be-inscribed on grave headstones worldwide: 11

“When I’m not around in my bikini, they’re gonna be pissed.”

…AND SO IT WAS WRITTEN.

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One Response to WITH THIS ROSE, I THEE BED: BACHELOR PAD (EPISODE 3), BY THE NUMBERS

  1. courtney farrell says:

    BPad is so moronic it makes Bachelor/ette seem like Masterpiece [Reality] Theater, but who cares–it’s Ms. Hirshey’s dead-on zingers I’m addicted to anyway. Please keep posting, Pop Culture Ed!