Ah, a new season of Bachelor Pad. Can you feel it? Can you smell it? Because it feels like a cold sore and it smells like a Turkish bath. By golly, it’s swell. And it appeals to all audiences, no matter your race, creed, gender, or sexual orientation. Just half of you have to say you’re watching “ironically.” That’s fine. Your friends were already exposed to your fine-tuned sense of irony many moons, 1 OkCupid profile, and 5 seasons of The Secret Life of the American Teenager ago. Oh, look at me jumping right ahead to the numbers. I just can’t help myself! It’s like counting the presents under the tree! (Or so I hear from my less-ironic gentile friends.)
So, by the powers vested in Chris Harrison (spoiler alert: that’s ALL the powers), I present to you Bachelor Pad Episode 2, by the numbers:
Number of potential winners: 18
Number of contestants: 19 (it’s the kind of math only Bachelor Pad can do)
Dollars on the line: 250,000
Number of twins: 2 (Fake out! Bet you thought I meant pairs of twins. And you said one. And you look stupid because obviously there are 2 twins in a set of twins! HAZAAH!)
Previous episodes I forgot to blog about: 1 (Ok, mom. I can’t be perfect ALWAYS.)
Minutes God decided to punish me for said indiscretion: 26. WHAT THE FUCK, DVR?!
How much your anger multiplies when you find out you missed RYTHMIC GYMNASTICS: A JILLION-FOLD.
Number of generous donations made by Jef Holm to tonight’s episode: 1. That’s his whole collection of pink glitter leotards.
Number of poor-man’s-Ashton-Kutcher-Creed-cover-band-lead-singers featured: 1 (among, sadly, many)
Number of frat parties Michael and Rachel think they’re at, based on the dancefloor makeout sesh: 1
Ingredients necessary to make Jamie feel special, according to Ryan: 6*
Round 1: Rose petals, twizzlers, marshmallows
Round 2: Flowers, balloons, sushi
*Bonus round: outfit of seafoam polo shirt with cableknit v-necked overlay
How Ryan is still a virgin: beyond me
Pieces of evidence ruining Jamie’s assertion that Chris should want to have kids with her: 2 = Right lace fingerless glove + left lace fingerless glove.
Degrees enclosed in any given angle used by Donna in her portrait of Michael: 90. Just because it’s a right angle, doesn’t mean it isn’t so. very. wrong.
Tongues visible in Donna and Michael’s makeout: 2. OMGEWSTOPTHAT.
Amount of makeouts per episode: literally impossible to count
Number of boning euphemisms that could ever top Chris’s use of “solidifying the alliance”: 0. You have all witnessed greatness tonight.
Chris’s impressive rate of sexual conquest: 1 bunk bed at a time. (But really, Chris, that was fucked up.)
Number of Hotlines I dialed to save the children at the soapbox derby from exposure to Bachelor Pad: 75… Well, in my mind. I don’t actually know of any hotlines.
Raise deserved in Chris’s appearance fee for the line, “I’m gonna come back with 250 deep in my pocket, like, ‘Hey, bitches! You see this?!’”: $1 billion dollars
Words on a soapbox it takes to steal my heart. Apparently. : 3. Ed! “In A Pickle!”
How disappointed I was that David didn’t get the rose after hearing Chris’s promise, “If David gets the rose tonight, shit is gonna hit the fan and somebody might die.”: THE MOST DISAPPOINTED
Percent of former contestants who have suffered the same affliction Blakely describes below: 99.87%
“And this was actually…it was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be when it came down to me really…thinking about things.”
Number of days left on Jaclyn’s promise that Ed has “personality for days, yo”: an undisclosed amount
Number of pickle shout-outs included in Ed’s pillow talk: 3
1) “I’m just a champion, got right in the pickle, drove her home.”
2) “Does that look like a pickle?”
3) “Flying pickle, yeah!”
Surefire ways to know a girl is at her lowest, as demonstrated by Erica: 1. She is crying while wearing tie-dye.
How much blood your ears could bleed listening to the twins, as warned by Erica Rose: “like gallons“
How accurate I feel Erica was in this assessment: 110%
Emotional reactions David has to Erica’s tearful goodbye: 1. He yawned. But, like, heartbroken-ly.
Number of virgins remaining on the show after Ryan gets the boot: 0...What’s the opposite of virgin? Because we got 16 of those left. Yay!