We Sent Out One Man To Try Every Dating Site On The Web

The web is filled with dating sites and social media networks offering you a chance at love.  But who uses these sites, and do they really work?  Those were questions we wanted answered.  Lucky for us, over the course of the last few years, writer Conor Galvin  has systematically worked his way through almost every major dating site on the web, from match.com, to supposed screwfest Adult Friend Finder.  Here are his findings.

Just a little background on Conor before he jumps right in to his experiences on these sites.  He’s 29, and sort of looks like a cross between Stephen Baldwin and the dark haired Super Mario Brother.  Let’s begin.

MATCH.COM

TYPE OF WOMAN YOU MEET:

Women on match seem to genuinely want to find a man for a relationship. Older women are looking for a husband but will settle for a fling with a younger man from the site who watches the same TV shows as they do.  NOTE: Everyone says they’re a fan of “Arrested Development,” in their profile. It’s now replaced “I’m spiritual,” as the cliche dumbshit thing to say on a dating profile.   Anyway, younger women don’t know what they want. If they see themselves as unattractive then they are using the site as an outlet to find a man that they don’t think they would in the real world. A lot of the women seem perfectly normal, attractive and stretched too thin by work so they turn to the site for help meeting men.

WEIRDEST DATE I HAD:

We had a lot in common with one another based on our profiles. We exchanged numbers. Late on a Friday night she texts me and asks if I wanted to go to a UCLA football game. Her brother played and she got free tickets and there was a big tailgate that would be a lot of fun too. She picked me up at 8 in the morning and we drove to Pasadena. She didn’t speak much on the ride, and suddenly I realized I signed on to a 12 hour date without ever speaking to her in person, which is a lot like renting an apartment in New York based on an email exchange with the landlord who assures you “it’s charming.”

When we got there, there were certainly many a fun tailgate happening, but we walked past those, towards a gathering of quiet middle-aged people. It looked more like a family reunion, mostly because IT WAS A FAMILY REUNION. She introduced me to everyone, her mom, her dad, her cousins, her aunts, her uncles. They were all under the impression that I was her boyfriend. Most uncomfortable dating experience I have ever been on. They did everything they could to make me feel welcome and a part of their family… but I had met their daughter 2 hours before from an internet dating site and had already decided I didn’t like her.

After the game her mother pulled me aside and told me she was so happy her daughter was in a relationship with someone who seemed to really have her best interests at heart. Then she invited me to Thanksgiving dinner.

MYSPACE.COM

 

TYPE OF WOMEN YOU MEET:

If you think Myspace is still just “a place to meet friends” you’re wrong.  It’s now a place for bands to promote their music, and random acts of fucking.  There was a time when myspace featured women of all ages and socio-economic backgrounds. Now it’s home to amateur, amateur graphic designers who use ‘layouts’ bog down even the best internet connections.  It’s also home to dead people. A lot of them.

WEIRDEST DATE I HAD:

2006. The scope of women on myspace was broader than it currently is. It included struggling porn stars. The courtship was rather quick, a few quick emails saying I found her attractive and would like to grab a drink. She accepted. We met at a bar in West Hollywood. She was pleasant, attractive and wearing a dress that barely covered her nipples.

The dress was made of a shiny purple material – which was nice because it matched her lip gloss. She was about 10-12 years my senior. The date very quickly escalated to some heavy groping. About two hours later I was getting a hand job in the booth at a bar, which seems cool in Bradley Cooper movies, but in real life is pretty creepy and a good sign there may be an STD in your future. Then she told me she was beginning to get into tickle porn. I don’t find tickle porn any more troubling than any other type of porn but I find meth use VERY troubling, which was her next confession.  No mas Myspace.

 

OKCUPID.COM

TYPE OF WOMEN YOU MEET: 

OKCUPID is free. If there was a place that offered free sandwiches, would you eat there?  Probably not.  You’d find it creepy and you’d be suspicious.  But you know who would eat there?  People DESPERATE AS FUCK FOR A SANDWICH.  That was me. Anyway, OKCUPID’s stated goals aren’t as ambitious as MATCH. Women on OKCUPID are looking for long term, short term, casual sex and sometimes just friendship. Now, because it’s free, the site has to even the playing field a little bit for women who you might filter out on Match. It allows you to search but only in a 25-mile radius AND it does not allow you to specify ‘body type’. OKCUPID wants personalities to shine through.  It’s the dating version of “The Voice.”

WEIRDEST DATE I HAD: 

I exchanged messages with a girl that was up front about simply wanting sex with no strings attached. She invited me over to her place. We were naked in about fifteen minutes. Nothing really memorable happened until she told me she was approaching climax. I’m not much of a talker so I said something creative and witty along the lines of, ‘hell yeah!’ which is what you say after a halftime speech from your coach during the Super Bowl.  Not so awesome during sex.  It didn’t really matter because she climaxed.

 

I’ve heard of the squirting phenomenon but I’ve never experienced it.

In theory, it was not something I was ever into. In practice – it was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever experienced. Shit was flying everywhere. I gagged. I almost threw up.

Being Catholic, shame is a typical feeling I get after having sex. Shame comes even after sex with your monogamous girlfriend who you love.  The amount of shame you feel after casual sex with a stranger that ends up squirting caused me to avoid mirrors in fear of being confronted with my image. I looked up at her expecting to see some shame of her own but there was none. She was pumped about it – she loved it. She loved it so much that it interrupted my own personal panic/shame/disgust feeling. I stood tall, got dressed and went home. It wasn’t until I got into the shower that my routine post coitus sob occurred.

 

ADULTFRIENDFINDER.COM

 

TYPE OF WOMEN YOU MEET:

First of all, fuck you.  Yes, I tried this. I was not at a high point in my life.  And you know what’s good when you’re not at a high point in your life?  Someone agreeing to have sex with you.  The whole internet dating thing is weird to begin with. AFF is the next level – straight up sex. The women you find are what you might expect. There are some decent looking women who just love sex but many of them are part of swinger couples, which if you didn’t think is an actual thing; you would be surprised.  There are a lot of married people that are tired of fucking each other.  On AFF, there were a lot of bigger women. The rest are mostly prostitutes.

WEIRDEST DATE I HAD:

Anonymity rules the day on AFF. Not having a full name or a full picture is par for the course. The woman I was meeting described herself as fit, 5’9, 130 and some small pictures. I called when I was outside. She texted me to come in and she was still freshening up a bit so I should have a drink in the kitchen. I just stood in the kitchen when a voice came from the dark living room. She said, ‘help yourself to some beer’, except her voice sounded like Nick Nolte’s and then when she walked out she was a he, who was wearing a wig.  And not one of those wigs that look good.  One of those wigs that they wore in “Kids In The Hall,” when they were playing a woman.  My first thought was “run.” But part of me thought that would be rude. Why I was so concerned about the feelings of some dude trying to trick me into having sex, I’ll never know. Then ‘she’ said, ‘I didn’t mean to deceive you, but you seemed hot. I can just give you a blowjob.’

It was very sweet of him – both the compliment and the blow job offer – but I said, ‘sorry that’s just not my thing,’ which I believe to be the nicest way you can say “I don’t want to let you blow me because you’re a dude.”  I defy you to come up with a nicer way.  Anyway, then he got up and walked out to the kitchen. Not a bad looking cross dresser, definitely not 130 though. He cracked open a beer, I did too. I asked if this ever worked, he said more often than not. I did the courteous thing and accepted the blowjob finished the beer and left.

 

CRAIGSLIST.COM

TYPE OF WOMEN YOU MEET:

AFF is weird but Craigslist is whole different ballgame. Craigslist is where happiness goes to die. You can use your imagination and that would serve you better than any description I could come up with. However, people do sometimes turn to craigslist in moments of despair… some of those people can sometimes be hot women. Usually they are not. But sometimes. Right?  No?  Fuck.  No.

WEIRDEST DATE I HAD:

I found a headline that sounded interesting:

Snow bunny that wants to go skiing.

That is Craigslist code.  Snow means cocaine, and this ad meant “I am a woman that wants cocaine.”  But I’ve seen a lot of 80s movies, and snow bunny meant hot to me, so that’s what I chose to imagine. I didn’t have coke, but I did have adderall, which is a lot like saying “I don’t have reservations to Spago, but I do have a reservation at the Cheesecake Factory.” I wrote and offered it to her. She sent a picture of her, without the face but with breasts – and assurances that she was not a man.

 

I went there. In my car I thought about it all of the scenarios.

 

OK, I should leave my wallet in the car in case they (the woman and the crime syndicate she was in cahoots with) try and rob me. If I don’t have my wallet they can still grab the keys and steal the car, and my wallet so… I should leave my keys on the tire. That way, if they knock me out and I’m able to escape I can still run to the car and be able to drive off.

 

If we get in a situation where I take off my pants and then she decides to rob me I can still escape and get to the car, even running naked, and be able to drive off.

 

Do I bring my phone? If I brought the phone I could call for help if I was being robbed. If I left my phone in the car I could run out naked, grab my keys from the tire, call the police once in my car, drive off and if they were still chasing me I could still call the police to alert them of my location.

 

Satisfied with my contingency plans I went inside. She was hot. Really hot. Like so hot that I knew I was definitely going to be robbed or killed if I stayed in that house. She asked for the adderall. I gave it to her. She crushed it and snorted it. Then we talked – She was a Raiderette Cheerleader. She was visiting LA. She likes cocaine.  How many times have those previous three sentences been written together?  I say roughly 100,000,000.  Anyway, she couldn’t believe she posted on craigslist.  (By the way, that’s what EVERYONE ON CRAIG’S LIST SAYS). She wanted to do a fashion show. I sat back on the couch and she paraded in and out with different outfits. She was really hot, definitely crazy but really hot.

Then she jumped on me and started humping me. We struggled mightily and in the end I did technically have sex with her but it was the worst performance of my life. But it was with an NFL cheerleader…  But an NFL cheerleader that invited me over at 3 am because she thought I might have some cocaine for her.

6 Responses to We Sent Out One Man To Try Every Dating Site On The Web

  1. ericka says:

    you are crazy sir…;-)

  2. jack says:

    screw the ucla expose’.. this is real investigative reporting

  3. dude says:

    snow bunny is a white chick that dates black guys

  4. Bob says:

    I’ve banged two chicks from Ok Cupid and one from Craigslist. Definitely takes some time and energy, but if I can do it, anyone can.

  5. Lorraine says:

    EHARMONY. CHRISTIAN MINGLE. GOGOGO!!!

  6. Camalita Daniels says:

    Craigslist is where happiness goes to die.

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