The Anal Sex to Chili’s Restaurant Analogy

I’m going to post some new stuff fairly soon, but for the time being, I thought I’d share a piece I did with a buddy named Justin Thomas.  I think it’s one of my favorite things I’ve done.  The best part about it was, we wrote it at my old company, on the day the company closed a deal with Chili’s for an ad buy.  Chili’s was not happy.

During a conversation I had with my friend Justin Thomas, we came upon the realization that the way women feel about anal sex is almost identical to the way they feel about eating at the restaurant Chili’s.  Here’s how we broke it down.

1. Women Who Don’t Love Chili’s But Will Eat There On Ocassion

A lot of women think Chili’s is just okay.  If they’re really hungry and they’re near a Chili’s, you might be able to talk them in to eating there.   Or, if it’s your birthday, and Chili’s is your faaaavorite place to go, then your girlfriend might say “okay, fine, it’s your birthday, we’ll go to Chili’s and I won’t complain.  I’ll even pretend I like it.”   They’ll never ask to go to Chili’s, but they can understand why you enjoy the food there, even though it’s not something healthy to have every day.

2. Women Who Will Only Eat At Chili’s When They’re Drunk.

If these women are sober, they’ll tell you how disgusting Chili’s is, and how they would NEVER eat there.  When you ask, they simply respond with,  ”I don’t like it, it’s gross.”    But as soon as they’re wasted, they’re like “You know what would be fun?  Let’s go to Chili’s!”  Then the next morning they’ll be like “Oh my god, where did we eat last night?” and when you say “Chili’s” they’ll tell you “Don’t get used to eating there.  I feel sick.”  And sometimes if they’re drunk enough, they’ll wander into Chili’s by accident, because they’ll think they’re someplace else.  Then by the time they realize it’s Chili’s, they’re hungry and they’re there, so why not?

3. Women Who Hate Chili’s, Even Though They’ve Never Eaten There.

Unfortunately, there are some girls that absolutely refuse to partake in even the occasional Chili’s dinner, no matter how hungry they might be.  They’ve never eaten there, but they’ve seen the commercials for it, and they don’t like how it looks.  If it’s dinner time, and she catches you driving down the street that Chili’s is on, she’ll immediately say “you know I’m not eating at Chili’s right?” even before you’ve asked her if she wants to eat there.  You can’t even say,  “What if we just get an appetizer?!”  Not only do they not like Chili’s, but they look down on girls who do like Chili’s.  And if you attempt to bring up a friend of theirs who you heard likes Chili’s, they’ll ask you “how do YOU know she likes Chili’s?  Have you been to Chili’s with her?”

4. Women Who Can Not Get Enough Chili’s

Then, finally, there’s girls who absolutely love Chili’s.  I’ve never met one, but I have friends who have friends who say they know one.  They go to the bar at Chili’s, they watch games at Chili’s, even if they’ve already eaten dinner that night, they’ll just turn to you and say “You know what I feel like?  A quick drink at drink Chili’s!” 

6 Responses to The Anal Sex to Chili’s Restaurant Analogy

  1. David says:

    You forgot one category: Women who ate at Chilis that one time, hated it, and wouldn’t go back to Chilis if their lives depended on it.

  2. Travis Bruce says:

    This just made my day. Hahaha

  3. Bill Duncan says:

    The great thing about this article … you can use McDonald’s as well as Chili’s … and you can even use oral sex instead of anal sex. And if you’re on the Soprano’s, reverse the role and it’s guys eating pussy.


  4. Anke says:

    Another one: “Women Who Love Eating At Chili’s But Don’t Want Their Hemorrhoids To Burst During The Visit”. True story.

  5. Jhmac33 says:


  6. Mark says:

    First commenter added a #6. I’d like to add a #7.

    Women who normally refuse to eat at Chili’s, but if you’ve gotten them really excited and grateful for taking them to all the hot spots earlier, you can get away with ending the night at Chili’s.

    She’d never choose to go there. She won’t like it. Later, she’ll remind you that she doesn’t like it there. But as long as you haven’t been there in a long time, she won’t say no.