I want you to know I forgive you. Sure, I was a little perturbed by your lackluster response to my previous letter: A two-day Bachelor ”event” does not satisfy my plea for a seven-day Bachelor “channel.” I mean, that's just lazy on your part. I should be pretty furious. But I'm not because something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I have witnessed a miracle abrewin'…and it has wiped all anger from my heart. And all I want to do is shout it from the rooftops:
CHRIS HARRISON IS STARTING A CLOTHING LINE.
This is how it feels to find the face of Jesus on your pizza. America is a magical country.
…Canada, however, seems pretty Tierrable.
The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 5 and 6, by the numbers:
Potential mates on Monday: 11
Potential mates by Tuesday: 6. I hope Tierra wore her sequined-Vegas-hooker bikini to the bloodbath.
Nickels I'd have if I had a nickel for every time a contestant on this show has said, “I'm gonna drink your milk in a bit. How do you feel about that?”: Sadly, only the 1. But I do so yearn for more.
Things that piss Lesley off: 3
“Not getting time with Sean”
Things that piss Tierra off, I'd imagine:
The “no-makeup” look
Terms contestants can use to describe their bachelor: 3
FWB (Fickle White Boytoy)
Terms contestants cannot use to describe him: 1
“The guy I'm dating.” Na-uh, Tierra. Na-uh.
The amount of demon energy Tierra wasted on sabotaging Jackie: 32 ounces
The amount of demon belongings Tierra bothered packing in her “suitcase” before the 2-on-1: LOL
Sean's ability to feign emotional turmoil over Tierra vs. Jackie: 0
“In Jackie…I wanna know that I enjoy being with her. And with Tierra…I'm gonna ask some probing questions.”
Number of tranquilizers the producers gave Jackie's horse: 3
Slope at which contestants learn from their tattletale predecessors: -1/1. Snitches do not get roses. Tale as old as time.
Truthiness of Jackie's story about Tierra, given the number of “cute guys at the airport” in the history of the airport: …how drunk are we, though?
Truthiness of Tierra's story re: dead boyfriend: 50/50. But I'm 100% calling her “Manti Tierr'o” either way.
How badly I wish Robyn had followed through with her vow to make it “The Bad Girls Club:” IF ONLY YOU'D HAD MORE TIME
Reasons “bridal stylists” should be given honorary degrees in psychopharmacology: this one…
“[Tierra] needs a xanax and to be sent home.” – Desiree
Approximate number of shout-outs to Lake Louise and Banff National Park: ~35,000
Approximate number of shout-outs to me: ~rude
Things Catherine loves about Sean: 1 thing…+ 2 adjectives
“I love the rugged, handsome, manliness of Sean.”
Words I hear instead of “rugged, handsome, manliness”: 4 = TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT.
Possible ways to shoot a scene in which Catherine bounces on “Sean's giant snow bus:” 2. Wrong choice, ABC. Wrong choice.
Explanations for why Catherine must ultimately triumph over Tierra: 1
“I'm never cold when I'm with him.” – Catherine
Explanations for why literally anyone must ultimately triumph over Tierra: 1
“She's a crazy ass ho.” – Me
Words I have to express my feelings on Catherine's murder-by-tree story: 0
Catherine's lessons-to-be-learned when you see a tree fall on your camp friend: 2
1) “Be in love”
2) “Have a family”
Reasons I never want cold-weather destination dates again: 4
Rickshaw < Horse-Drawn Carriage
“Ice Castle” < Real Castle
Canoes < Helicopters
Shirts < No Shirts
Public Service Announcements on the dangers of rising above peer pressure: 1
Sean, re: Polar Bear Plunge: “You don't have to do it if you don't want to.”
Selma, re: Polar Bear Plunge: “I'm not doing it.”
Sean, if he was a Polar Bear Puerto Rican: “Adios, Selma.”
Lines that make me sad to see Selma go: 1
“He's like 'This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.' And I'm like 'No, it's not.'”
Number of prior instances AshLee has “wanted to do something for someone else”, as self-reported: 1. You shouldn't say those things out loud.
Amount of newly-discovered fallback professions for former stars of American Pie: 1. Shermanator = EMT Extraordinaire!
How sure I am that Tierra is the Wicked Witch of the West: see image above
Accurate diagnoses of Tierra's “hypothermia:” 1
“I mean, she was disheveled.” – Catherine
Tierra pun count, with the addition of “Tierrarist:” 2. Atta girl, Lesley. Putting that DC background to good use.
Things that apparently happen in Canada but nowhere else: 3
Picnics in meadows
People living in tents (That's not a thing, Desiree.)
Terrible-date-ideas-I-would-never-want-to-participate-in, as of the teepee: nearly all
Ways to describe Lindsay: 2
“The total package” – Sean
“The drunk toddler” – objective people
Reasons that kissing on national TV is a “huge shame” to Selma's family: 1. Because that kiss sucked.
Lessons Selma should have learned from JoJo: 1 – It's just 2 little 2 late.
Lessons everyone should learn from Selma: 1 – You do have to do it if you don't want to.
Please leave all alternative Tierra puns below. And look out for Haus of Harrison on a runway near you.