Once upon a time, a unicorn arrived on the wings of an angel and slid down a double rainbow onto a mountain of gumdrops where he was kissed by the morning dew before landing ever so gently on a field of freshly-cut daisies.
And the world was all, “Whatever. Did you see the finale of the Bachelor?” And the unicorn sobbed, because his story would never be as magical as the tale of Sean and Catherine.
Honestly, I shouldn’t be this emotional right now. It’s scientifically unheard of. At the very least, there should be a biological mechanism stopping me from telling you how emotional I am. But, you guys, he picked Catherine. He picked Catherine because she’s great and they’re great and the world is great. And I just have a lot of thoughts and I don’t know where to put them and I’m not allowed into the slam poetry club anymore because I brought brie without crackers and it was just this whole mess and…feelings.
But then I remembered how I can just type one letter over and over again so it sounds like I’m saying something emphatically and I just think:
…We did it.
The Bachelor, Season 17 finale, by the numbers:
Remaining contestants: 2
Remaining contestants who are both smarter and older than a 5th grader: 1. Though Lindsay’s at least drunker than one.
How every girl wants a boy to describe her to his family: not this way
“She’s funny and weird.” – Sean, re: Catherine
Amount of times we’ve heard about Sean and Catherine’s “notes” before this episode: 0. I didn’t even know he could read.
Lines Sean’s dad, Jay, uses when he walks to your door and hands you a pamphlet: 1
“Do you believe in the Bachelor process?” – my new religious leader
Shoes Sean wears in Thailand: almost 0. Dude. It’s shirts you don’t need.
Amount of fear I felt when Sean BUCKED BACHELOR TRADITION and said “I am in love with Lindsay”: levels bordering on paralysis
Things Lindsay has said that made sense to me, ever: 1
“I could easily make a bad impression and they’d be like ‘Nope. Not that girl.’”
Lindsay’s keys to a happy marriage: 3
3) “Figuring out where to meet in the middle”
Sean’s keys to a happy marriage: 3
1) Praying Catherine doesn’t run away
2) Communicating to Catherine that she can save him
3) Figuring out that Lindsay has the IQ of a ficus
Years Jay has prayed for Sean: 0
Years Jay has prayed for Sean’s wife: 28
Years Jay’s daughter-in-law will sleep with one eye open: til death do them part
Amount of egg whites Sean and his super beefy brother-in-law have consumed, collectively: 1000 families of chickens
Things that Lindsay and Sean’s relationship have in common with the lake they rafted upon: 2
1) They say it’s beautiful
2) It’s actually poo
Age at which Sean could see Lindsay being a “hot, old chick”: 25
Members of the male population who are jealous of the below: all that live on this earth
“We’re always kissing because I feel like that’s how he can really express himself to me.” - Lindsay
Well played, sir.
Moments for Lindsay that have been “24 years in the making”: 3
1) Finding her husband
2) Her 24th birthday
3) High school graduation
How many times two people have to match before you’re meant to be: 2.
“Let’s wear purple! Let’s wear black! Let’s get married!” (Based on a true story.)
Words you don’t want to hear after finally telling someone you love them over the sounds of elephant heartbeats: 4
“Thank you for today.” - Sean
Years Sean’s waited for Neil Lane to actually be at his door, despite years using his go-to greeting “Heyyyyy Neil Lane!”: dream come true
Colors the Bachelor costume designer could have chosen for the final dresses: thousands
Colors she chose when she realized Sean made all his decisions based on historic associations of metallic hues: nice silver, Lindsay
Relief I felt to see AshLee in the live studio audience: she’s alive, you guys!
Number of visible tats on Lindsay: 2
Number of nose rings on Catherine: 1
Number of times Sean has eaten a single carb: 3. Everyone’s so bad!
Moments Lindsay has had to say “Ok I’m gonna go because this is really just painful and this is my nightmare:” 2
1) When Sean rejected her
2) When she was asked to spell “relief” at a spelling bee. That “I before E” always gets her.
Gurlfriends who totally rooted for Lindsay’s decision to take off her heels after she got dumped: 1, in particular…
“That’s when you know you’re done!” – Chris “Bitch, Please” Harrison
Volume of vomit swallowed by Catherine when she realized Sean was choosing her: 1.5 liters
Words that took me from lone tear to gently weeping: 6
“Oh my god, I get this?!” – Catherine, as she tenderly groped Sean’s pecs
Years I expect them to stay together: forever
What I wish the world would just embrace for once: denial
…And they lived happily ever after.