Once upon a time, there was a v-neck tee named George. George was a simple guy, quiet but strong; he said more with his triangle-shaped vacancy than most shirts express with both sleeves combined. Heroic, he rose up from isolation in the men's clothing sections of the nineties, finding honor and recognition thanks to an ABC franchise with a fond appreciation for male cleavage. For many moons, George remained in that soundstage mansion with his tbffs, united in the fight for .75 pectoral coverage. George felt useful. George felt safe.
That was, alas, until George went missing.
You see, a young Bachelor came along with a heart so big that not even a trapezoid of cotton could contain its beat. At first sight of that gleaming chest of hairless glory, George acknowledged that his services were no longer needed. A tee–even à la vee–would only serve as an obstacle to this young fellow's search for love. So, with a single tear, George wandered off…
…To be continued.*
But in the meantime…
The Bachelor Season 17 (episode two), by the numbers:
Potential mates: 19
Gratuitous shower scenes: 1
Dictionaries that define “gratuitous” as “fundamentally necessitated”: 1. How does it feel to have a mass market dictionary, dweebs?
How disconcerting it is to see Chris Harrison in his casual wear: supah strange. Leave the flannels to the common folk, Chrissy. You're better than that.
Sororities that would ding Sean immediately for his statement, “Last night I was with 26 women. And that's hard.”: Chi Omegazillion. But we'll let you hang out with us because of those Delta Delta Deltoids.
Collective total feet spanned on free-falling/wall-scaling/rock-climbing/bungee-jumping dates across Bachelor seasons: twice the earth's circumference
Dates I never want to go on: uh, duh.
Number of potential “jumping” and “falling” metaphors omitted by Sarah and Sean, thus forsaking the age old tradition of Bachelor gravity-related poetry: 360 feet's worth. WHO DO YOU PEOPLE THINK YOU ARE?!
How much “butt” Tierra's “gotta kick out:” “some”
How much butt Courtney Robertson kicked out: bitch, please. Step it up, Tierra.
Number of Harlequin book covers landed by the winner of the group date: 3
How ironically suited the majority of the contestants are to the definition of “harlequin,” i.e. “a conventional buffoon of the commedia dell'arte:” doyoulikehowi'mpretendingtohaveknownthatdefinitionalready
How cheated I feel that the Fifty Shades of CRAY girl isn't here for this episode: 69 thousand modicums of cheated
Percent “au naturel” Tierra claims to be: 100%
French dictionaries that define “au naturel” as “opposite of natural”: 1. Hey! A fellow lover of rare etymology!
Amount of eyes glaring at Lesley M during her shoot: “12 sets of eyes”
Amount of eyes seeing only sapphic fantasies during Kristy's shoot: the same 12
Openings Lesley had to kiss Sean while seated on a cozy chaise from The Renaissance Era: a dozen
Openings Lesley took to finally make a move: 1. Amongst a thicket of shrubbery with absolutely no build up. Smooth.
Fictional years of backstory necessary to make us believe that Kacie was ever Sean's “good girlfriend:” like 10
Fact checking I plan on doing regarding anything anyone says on this show: like LOL
Shared cost of Selma and Kacie B's 5-piece Hair Volumizing Bump It set (*as seen on TV*): $5.49
Misappropriated money that should have been used on Frizz-Ease for Katie: $549 million. It's like more air than hair.
…Aforementioned frizz balls to depart the show preemptively: 1. Cuz guess what? Gurl doesn't care.
Pranks I don't appreciate in this episode: 1. The obviously fake Bachelor Art Exhibit.
Precious works of art showcased in the true-life Bachelor Art Exhibit: 1. Chris Harrison, le poulet un petit sculpted by angels.
Things heretofore unknown by Desiree until this date: 3
1) Sean's been hiding a mischievous side.
2) People are sometimes named “Sven.”
3) Something called “Chernobyl” exists and it must be some sort of wizard.
Sides of Sean that Desiree has seen by the end of their date: “every side”
Sides of Sean that we have not seen by the end of their date: his backside. Rude.
Lines that aren't gonna cut it when we get to the fantasy suite: 1 in particular…
“It just felt right to…make out a little.” – Desiree
Possible explanations for Amanda's behavior at the cocktail party that doesn't involve the aid of pharmaceuticals: 0. Your smile haunts my dreams.
Americans that join Robyn in ”watching how…it became more diverse…with people…with ethnicity:” 7,999,999 viewers. Because I don't see color. I see daddy issues.
True triumphs of diversity on this show to date, as bravely exhibited by Lesley H: 1. Girl got a rose in a turtleneck. Times they are a-changin' for realz.
*Join me in the effort to retrieve Sean's shirt by spreading the word. #FINDGEORGE