The Bachelor Season 17, as presented by Bowflex

…And we're back. And we don't really know why. After all, it only takes an extra second to add my best friend's email address to my mom's in order to reach my entire audience via Gmail. (I see you, dbs, winphobe.) But I can't; I'd decimate the dream. That precious wisp of longing–of hoping–that one day– someway–Chris Michelangelo Harrison would see my name in print and sweep me away by the fringes of his ivory gray cape, as he tenderly draped rose petals onto my soul.

So. Wassup. How you feelin', S.Lo? Why don't you give us some digits n' shit?

Presenting The Bachelor Season 17 (episode one), by the numbers:

Potential mates: 26

Potential inmates: 1. I spy a very drunk wedding dress.

Tablespoons of humble in the recipe for Sean Pie: “a blessed and lucky and excited and nervous” amount

Ratio of projected sincerity to pectoral-exploitation of this season's Bachelor: 1:1

Upon Sean's explanation that “God still has another plan for me”, evidence to-date that Chris Harrison is God: 17 exhibits of evidence

Number of ideal conditions for facilitating the removal of Sean's shirt from his back: 6. Most notably–

1) Upon Sean's appraisal of surrounding mountaintop scenery

3) The moment Sean becomes his own biggest competition in an abandoned gym

5) As Sean gently rocks back and forth with young children

Speculated rate at which the porn industry is clambering to recreate Sean's slicing of strawberries in anticipation of Arie's visit: 100 bpm

Possibilities of the word Arie mouth-autocorrected to “feelings” when he said “these girls catch feelings:” at least 25 documented cases

Outpouring of love for Sean in response to the line, “I can't use, 'It's not you. It's me.' Because it's obviously gonna be them.”: 17 gallons

How many minutes they edited in between Arie's statement, “You're kissing with your whole body,” and Sean's announcement, “I brought a rape whistle in case I'm in trouble:” 38 minutes. That was really good editing, you guyzzzz.

How many rape whistles Chris Harrison has on him for 22 hours of the day: 27. (3092 from the hours of 8-10 pm.)

Names that don't make me too optimistic about Sean's chance of finding love: 3. Hearty greetings to Desiree, Tierra, and AshLee.

This season's jobs that don't or shouldn't exist: 5

Personal Organizer

Cosmetics Consultant

Fit Model

Poker Dealer

Jumbotron Operator

AS OPPOSED TO: Jobs that I dream every former Bachelor/Bachelorette contestant will one day pursue: 1, “Cruise Ship Entertainer” (And all on the same ship. Where I am captain.)

Reasons that Ashley's single, recited following her preface, “I have no idea why I'm still single”: 4

1) “I've actively searched for a boyfriend.”

2) “It's just me and my cat now.”

3) “I have a special guy in my life: Christian Grey.”

4) “I totally hope Sean rips my clothes off and spanks me.”

Potential Courtneys this season: 1 Miss Kristy “Girls Will Be Jealous of Me” Kaminski

Girls who have heretofore been jealous of a Kaminski: 0

The amount of backflip attempts required to guarantee dying alone: 2. Ya had to get greedy, Robyn.

Most eloquent interpretations of Tierra's preemptive rose: 2

“Did she come with that?!”

“It was like an animal attack on the eyeballs.”

Amount of contestants who mention football: 2

Amount of viewers who appreciate that about them: what show do you think this is?

Words it took for one contestant to worm her way into my heart: 10

“But, honestly, I wish I were more sober right now.” – Lindsay

Words it took for that same contestant to find herself on very thin ice with me: 21

“I kinda wish I could do this over and maybe wear a normal dress and definitely not try and kiss him.” – Lindsay

Words that ABC plagiarized from my diary entry about my first rendezvous with Chris Hercules Harrison: [see above] 

Tears shed upon the departure of Ashley, the merchandising manager for Fifty Shades of Greysuch sweet sorrow

Joy felt upon the dawn of a new day, with its brand new shades of cray: IRREPRESSIBLE

See you next week, Mom.



  1. The Ram Jam says:

    Not sure if you’ll be reassured by me commenting to prove that you’re being read, or deflated that it’s not Chris Michelangelo Harrison responding(who I had to google, and then realised that Michelangelo probably isn’t part of his actual name, and then discovered it’s the dude hosting the show). Anyway, keep up the good work and I look forward to another entertaining season of a show I don’t watch being picked apart.