GUNS N' ROSES: 'THE BACHELOR' SEASON 17 (EPISODE 9), BY THE NUMBERS

Fantasy Suite 101

Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shitttt. I can't even remember anything before this rose ceremony. Where are these people? Hawaii? Did they go on a myriad of adventures on both land and sea? Did any girls mention her ability to see her life with this man? Does it even matter?

Because. For real. That ending.

A crazy-eyed desperate lady gets the boot. Our hero is torn between what is right (Catherine) and what is wrong (Lindsay). Rain falls over EVERYTHING!

They literally SAID “holy shit.”

Like I felt it and they SAID it.

I feel reborn.

The Bachelor , Season 17, Episode 8, by the numbers:

Remaining contestants: 3

Remaining contestants who let Sean get south of the border in the south of Thailand: 3. Helloooooo ladies.

Everything a man wants in a woman, based on Sean's description of Catherine:  3 – 4 things

“Weird and nerdy and goofy”…and boobs.

Number on my Table of Romantic Elements of the romantic element Catherine and Sean share: off the charts

Amount of episodes it took me to realize that Ash “the American dream” Lee has unstoppable aspirations to become a Stepford Wife: 9

Percent of the Lindsay montage that displayed magnificently drunktarded behavior: 100%

Percent of the Lindsay montage that illuminated why she is still there: 0%. Not even when she talked about that random war on that random rug.

Size differential between Lindsay and Sean's initial spark and the “massive flame” it later begat: 5 sputtering bonfires

Differences between the “not a good crazy” Sean worried Lindsay would become and the “great” girl she's proven to be: 0. Seriously, dude.

Colors of the native chickens of Thailand: 4

Gallons of blood that came pouring out of my ears upon hearing Lindsay squeal “Oh my god! There are little chickens!”: 3 liters

Wattage of the lightbulb that finally went off when Sean said, re: Lindsay, “I feel like I'm with my high school sweetheart and that's what I'm looking for in a marriage”: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Ladies who Sean could've easily married in high school: 1. Here's lookin' at you, Ash.

How unsurprising it is that Lindsay's version of “heaven” looks like a Chinese New Year parade on the Vegas strip: coooool it's shinyyyyyy

How many things in her life Lindsay wouldn't abandon for Sean: 0. Only because I haven't heard her say she owns a glitter-coated unicorn.

Number of suffixes missing from Lindsay's pronouncement, “I do take this serious. When it comes down to love, and family, and stuff, I take it very serious.”: 2. SERIOUSLY.

Moments I've prayed to be interrupted by a Thai dance troupe: 1. Make her have to sleep over to have time to profess her feelings! Genius.

All the words I've ever wanted to say to Chris Harrison: 8

No distractions, no interruptions, just you and me.

How much Sean needed to “hope” that AshLee would “latch on to him for support:” 0%. Latching flows freely here in Thailand, babe.

Things AshLee “won't do” this episode: 2

1) “Caves”

2) The sex

Words that neither describe where AshLee literally is (a cave), nor where her heart figuratively is (all over the place): 2

“It's like when you're with the person you love, you're going down this dark alleyway.” – AshLee

Size of foreboding cloud forming as AshLee said, “I don't feel like there are two human beings that belong together more than him and I”: 10″ circumference

Possible ways to “morally put yourself out there,” per AshLee: 2

1) Do a good deed in front of a lot of people

2) Do a good man in front of a lot of people

Speeches necessary to “morally put yourself out there” while still having America think you've totallyyyy never done something like this before: 1

“Um, obviously, I as well agree that it is important to have that time. I think my only worry is that…I don’t want it to come across as that boundary that’s crossed so, um…and I know where you stand and you know where I stand so um…Yeah. I want to.”

…Morals intact.

Size of cloud as of AshLee dubbing Sean her “soulmate:” up to a 20″ circumference

Sudden growth spurt of AshLee's-doom cloud upon hearing, “This man has literally healed my broken heart”: We are heading toward a solar eclipse.

Amount of times Catherine has to scream “Thailand” before the skipping begins: 3

Catherine: “Thailand! Thailand! Thailand”

Sean: “We are in Thailand.”

…And yet how unexpected it was to see her actually skipping: super unexpected. Cuz, like, who does that.

Amount of girls Sean calls his “best friend:” 2

Amount of years Sean would last as a girl in middle school: Psh. You can sip your Mike's Hard alone.

Times Catherine has to say she's “weird” before it stops sounding like a word anymore: 6

Love I suddenly felt for Catherine when she admitted why she debated spending the night with Sean: 300% gain

“I wanted to make sure I was still seen as, like, a lady. And someone that wasn't…like that.” – Catherine

Love I suddenly lost for Sean when he admitted, “There's a big part of me that's attracted to the fact that Catherine is nervous about the fantasy suite:” 30% loss

Words to Sean that made me attracted to Catherine: 5

“You're beefy and you're hunky.” – Catherine

Tears cried by the former fat girl living inside of Catherine: ~ a river

Lines said by Catherine that Sean later repeated to Chris Harrison: 1

“I've honestly never been in a bathing suit more times in my life than with you.”

Things I pictured when Chrissy took center stage to describe “a man in an exotic land”: so many

Things I didn't picture during the aforementioned Harrison Story Hour: James fucking Franco

Takes the producers allowed AshLee for her video speech: oh come on that was cruel.

Swallows by Sean during AshLee's audiovisual emotional unravelling: 8

Time before cloud-turned-solar-eclipse evaporates the earth: 3, 2…

“I believe that together we are whole.” – AshLee

Other people who share Sean's sentiment, “I'm worried that she won't be okay once this is over today.”: SOMEBODY PUT HER ON WATCH

Times I've liked Lindsay this entire season: 1. Please bleep more.

Time it took me to genuinely believe the emotions of the participants on this show: 17 seasons, 9 episodes.

Limits to the crimes AshLee may commit after she gets in that car: 0. Seriously, please, quarantine this woman.

“Ultimate rejects”: 1

Fear I feel to even type ashlee's name right now, even if all in lower-case: somuchwhyamidoingthis

Final words: 33

WAIT WHAT DID SHE WHISPER TO HERSELF?! WAS IT A HEX?! WHAT IF SHE BURNS DOWN ALL THE ROSES IN ALL THE LAND?! WHO IS ON TOP OF CHRIS HARRISON'S SECURITY DETAIL?! HELPPPPP

The Final Battle Between Good and Evil

I can't breathe.

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One Response to GUNS N' ROSES: 'THE BACHELOR' SEASON 17 (EPISODE 9), BY THE NUMBERS

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