Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shitttt. I can't even remember anything before this rose ceremony. Where are these people? Hawaii? Did they go on a myriad of adventures on both land and sea? Did any girls mention her ability to see her life with this man? Does it even matter?
Because. For real. That ending.
A crazy-eyed desperate lady gets the boot. Our hero is torn between what is right (Catherine) and what is wrong (Lindsay). Rain falls over EVERYTHING!
They literally SAID “holy shit.”
Like I felt it and they SAID it.
I feel reborn.
The Bachelor , Season 17, Episode 8, by the numbers:
Remaining contestants: 3
Remaining contestants who let Sean get south of the border in the south of Thailand: 3. Helloooooo ladies.
Everything a man wants in a woman, based on Sean's description of Catherine: 3 – 4 things
“Weird and nerdy and goofy”…and boobs.
Number on my Table of Romantic Elements of the romantic element Catherine and Sean share: off the charts
Amount of episodes it took me to realize that Ash “the American dream” Lee has unstoppable aspirations to become a Stepford Wife: 9
Percent of the Lindsay montage that displayed magnificently drunktarded behavior: 100%
Percent of the Lindsay montage that illuminated why she is still there: 0%. Not even when she talked about that random war on that random rug.
Size differential between Lindsay and Sean's initial spark and the “massive flame” it later begat: 5 sputtering bonfires
Differences between the “not a good crazy” Sean worried Lindsay would become and the “great” girl she's proven to be: 0. Seriously, dude.
Colors of the native chickens of Thailand: 4
Gallons of blood that came pouring out of my ears upon hearing Lindsay squeal “Oh my god! There are little chickens!”: 3 liters
Wattage of the lightbulb that finally went off when Sean said, re: Lindsay, “I feel like I'm with my high school sweetheart and that's what I'm looking for in a marriage”: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Ladies who Sean could've easily married in high school: 1. Here's lookin' at you, Ash.
How unsurprising it is that Lindsay's version of “heaven” looks like a Chinese New Year parade on the Vegas strip: coooool it's shinyyyyyy
How many things in her life Lindsay wouldn't abandon for Sean: 0. Only because I haven't heard her say she owns a glitter-coated unicorn.
Number of suffixes missing from Lindsay's pronouncement, “I do take this serious. When it comes down to love, and family, and stuff, I take it very serious.”: 2. SERIOUSLY.
Moments I've prayed to be interrupted by a Thai dance troupe: 1. Make her have to sleep over to have time to profess her feelings! Genius.
All the words I've ever wanted to say to Chris Harrison: 8
No distractions, no interruptions, just you and me.
How much Sean needed to “hope” that AshLee would “latch on to him for support:” 0%. Latching flows freely here in Thailand, babe.
Things AshLee “won't do” this episode: 2
2) The sex
Words that neither describe where AshLee literally is (a cave), nor where her heart figuratively is (all over the place): 2
“It's like when you're with the person you love, you're going down this dark alleyway.” – AshLee
Size of foreboding cloud forming as AshLee said, “I don't feel like there are two human beings that belong together more than him and I”: 10″ circumference
Possible ways to “morally put yourself out there,” per AshLee: 2
1) Do a good deed in front of a lot of people
2) Do a good man in front of a lot of people
Speeches necessary to “morally put yourself out there” while still having America think you've totallyyyy never done something like this before: 1
“Um, obviously, I as well agree that it is important to have that time. I think my only worry is that…I don’t want it to come across as that boundary that’s crossed so, um…and I know where you stand and you know where I stand so um…Yeah. I want to.”
Size of cloud as of AshLee dubbing Sean her “soulmate:” up to a 20″ circumference
Sudden growth spurt of AshLee's-doom cloud upon hearing, “This man has literally healed my broken heart”: We are heading toward a solar eclipse.
Amount of times Catherine has to scream “Thailand” before the skipping begins: 3
Catherine: “Thailand! Thailand! Thailand”
Sean: “We are in Thailand.”
…And yet how unexpected it was to see her actually skipping: super unexpected. Cuz, like, who does that.
Amount of girls Sean calls his “best friend:” 2
Amount of years Sean would last as a girl in middle school: Psh. You can sip your Mike's Hard alone.
Times Catherine has to say she's “weird” before it stops sounding like a word anymore: 6
Love I suddenly felt for Catherine when she admitted why she debated spending the night with Sean: 300% gain
“I wanted to make sure I was still seen as, like, a lady. And someone that wasn't…like that.” – Catherine
Love I suddenly lost for Sean when he admitted, “There's a big part of me that's attracted to the fact that Catherine is nervous about the fantasy suite:” 30% loss
Words to Sean that made me attracted to Catherine: 5
“You're beefy and you're hunky.” – Catherine
Tears cried by the former fat girl living inside of Catherine: ~ a river
Lines said by Catherine that Sean later repeated to Chris Harrison: 1
“I've honestly never been in a bathing suit more times in my life than with you.”
Things I pictured when Chrissy took center stage to describe “a man in an exotic land”: so many
Things I didn't picture during the aforementioned Harrison Story Hour: James fucking Franco
Takes the producers allowed AshLee for her video speech: oh come on that was cruel.
Swallows by Sean during AshLee's audiovisual emotional unravelling: 8
Time before cloud-turned-solar-eclipse evaporates the earth: 3, 2…
“I believe that together we are whole.” – AshLee
Other people who share Sean's sentiment, “I'm worried that she won't be okay once this is over today.”: SOMEBODY PUT HER ON WATCH
Times I've liked Lindsay this entire season: 1. Please bleep more.
Time it took me to genuinely believe the emotions of the participants on this show: 17 seasons, 9 episodes.
Limits to the crimes AshLee may commit after she gets in that car: 0. Seriously, please, quarantine this woman.
“Ultimate rejects”: 1
Fear I feel to even type
ashlee's name right now, even if all in lower-case: somuchwhyamidoingthis
Final words: 33
WAIT WHAT DID SHE WHISPER TO HERSELF?! WAS IT A HEX?! WHAT IF SHE BURNS DOWN ALL THE ROSES IN ALL THE LAND?! WHO IS ON TOP OF CHRIS HARRISON'S SECURITY DETAIL?! HELPPPPP
I can't breathe.