I'm not crying. It's just sparkling on my face.

So, like, I have a lot of feelings. The problem is, my emotions are inextricably linked to my eyebrows and, as any medical professional can tell you, one simply cannot control ones eyebrows. Thus, I find myself wanting to write a preamble worthy of the overwhelming glory that was this episode but I can't…hold them…for much…

Sorry, brows are bored by you now. Really just focusing on bringing sparkle back.

The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 7, by the numbers:

Remaining contestants: 6

Remaining eyebrows under their owners' jurisdictions: 10. Ironically, it appears Sean lost his own eyebrows long ago.

Amount of mentions of eyebrows you should expect in this post: sorry they're not sorry

“How many times do you get to fly into St. Croix on a seaplane?”, asks Sean: …I wait with bated breath

Superflous words in Tierra's line “I'm not friends with girls…who like my boyfriend:” 4. Also. “Boyfriend.” Really, dude?

Decision-makers involved in Tierra's choice of cot over bed: 3. Left eyebrow wins again.

AshLee's age, estimated based on how Tierra talks about her: 107

Truly damning evidence AshLee provides about Tierra: 1

“The second y'all have plans and y'all change y'all's plans, she's not gonna like it.” - Ashlee

Activities that lie in the middle of Tierra's “not fun” v. “not cool” venn diagram: 3

“Being attacked by bugs”

“The sweatiness”

“Makeup dripping off”

Activities that lie in the middle of my “fun” v. “cool” venn diagram: 3

Tierra being attacked by bugs

The sweatiness of Tierra

Tierra's eyebrows dripping off

Years we aged as AshLee built up to her dirty little secret: 18 years. So we're all 1 year older than you were when you wed.

Sean's thoughts on AshLee's past: 1

“That's…young.” That's…concise.

Attributes that give Tierra much-needed depth: 3

“I'm hot and gross and thirsty.”

Constants of aforementioned attributes: 2. Guess.

How many Bachelor parades I need to see in St. Croix for me to move there: 1. I call the Arie float.

Where English ranks on the list of Tierra's native tongues: at least 2nd. 

“I did feel there was a little distant from you. And I don't know what it was cause from.” - Tierra to Sean. Verbatim. 

Possible causes for ABC's decision to provide subtitles when Tierra told Sean, “I'm falling in love with you”: 2

1) She said it really quietly.

2) They were translating Sparklish.

Aspects of the group date that I will insist to see in upcoming episodes: 3

1) Pictures of the girls with no makeup

2) Sunrise to sunset road trips. But aired in real time.

3) Show-and-tell from Chris Harrison's cartography class

Reasons Lindsay is still there: …anyone?!

Lindsay: “I didn't expect to come this far.”

Sean: “It is crazy. Considering the first night I was like…holy crap.”

Words that make me love you forever: 4

“I hate that bitch.” – Lesley M, re: Tierra

Words that make Sean love you forever: 3

“….” - Lesley M. Uh-oh.

Reasons ABC invited Shay to St. Croix: unclear

Reasons Shay should stay forever: this 1 

“Don't pick the girl that nobody likes.” IT'S LIKE SHE'S AN EXORCIST.

How much deeper Tierra digs her own hole when she tries to defend herself: 100,000 leagues

“Girls are jealous. Men love me.” - Tierra

Amount of buses Tierra has gotten thrown under, according to her self-report: apparently at least 8 or 9

People who share AshLee's profound reverence for those who say “good morning:” 0. Like…she mentioned it kind of a lot.

Years it will take me to get over the following line: THE REST OF TIME

“Raised eyebrow?! Ashlee, that's my face!” – the mouth that is run by the hair above the lid

Hours-a-day/days-a-year Tierra can control her face: 20.6/4.5

How many times AshLee has to say “go to your cot!” to make herself feel better, according to Tierra: 2

How many times I will be telling crazy bitches to go to their cots from now on: DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO SNEAK THAT AEROBED IN HERE

Instances where I've had any respect for Tierra: 1

Sean: “I think the world of you. I really do.”

Tierra: “Obviously not enough.”

Miles to crazytown Tierra traveled with just one simple line: you made it!

“Nobody will take my sparkle away.”

How cute it is that Catherine cried over Lesley: super cute

How cute it is that one girl cried over the cessation of the boy she makes out also making out with her friend: Right. No. It's super weird. 

…But, really, it's just her face.



  1. Caroline Lindy says:

    You should replace Chris Harrison.