Once a week I go to the store and pick out a beer I’ve never tried. Then I drink PLENTY of them, enough to get me COMPLETELY FUCKING …inspired. THEN I write an unedited review. Below is what my liver hopes does not become a weekly column called “I Got Wasted On A Beer Then Reviewed It While I Was Totally Wasted.”
Stone Smoked Porter
Stone’s beers are wild. Wilder than Bill “The Thrill” Hickock and wilder than weeds. I’m not gonna even try to get nit picky with the flavors of this rich, robust beer. There are too many subtleties and since I’m drunk, I’ll just flat out admit it’s beyond my capabilities.
So let’s just say it’s smokey and rich… and it pours a dark, opaque, bubble smuggling chocolate brown…and the first sip suggests hints of toffee and edible leather and as you continue the flavors become even tougher to pin down. They continually change. The complex aroma and sultry mouthfeel team up to form a flavor that …ummm…still isn’t sure of itself….still wants to try to maybe have a bitter overtone, or a malty presence or maybe even eventually get more into protecting wildlife.
Dammit. SEE. That’s why I didn’t even wanna try. I wish some of these beers would just flat out yell the flavor into my tongue’s ear for ONCE. It takes a lot of concentration to get to some of these finer notes and subtle overtones…concentration that I could be using for other things like finally learning how to levitate without getting all wobbly. Someday just flat out tell me “here is a roasted coffee taste man.. RIGHT HERE!”…and stop making me sound like an indecisive, passive-aggressive bitch.
I’m not trying to be a pessimist …but its just not gonna happen. I realize that. These beers are so complex. It has only happened ONCE in my life, and it turned out to be chocolate milk.
Need some motivation to drink this beer? Don’t feel like drinking a smokey porter? Here. Get in the mood. Watch this and stop being an idiot. This guy would drink the shit out of a smokey porter. He is not a bum. He’s a cowboy (he has guns). His name is Gabby Hayes. I know that only because that’s what it says on the YouTube title. But I’m sure there’s some of you out there who will say “Ya..Gabby Hayes! Dude, he’s classic! …What? You don’t know Gabby Hayes?”
Pair this beer with: Your favorite Gabby Hayes line. I recommend this one… directed towards whoever the WORST decipherer in the room is: ”You can’t even tell a new dress from a fancy saddle.” …It’s a ridiculously stupid thing to say. But it pairs well.