Drunk Beer Review Friday: EEl river IPA

Once a week I go to the store and pick out a beer I’ve never tried. Then I drink PLENTY of them, enough to get me COMPLETELY FUCKING …inspired. THEN I write an unedited review. Below is what my liver hopes does not become a weekly column called “I Got Wasted On A Beer Then Reviewed It While I Was Totally Wasted.”


Eel River Organic IPA

Right when I took my first sip of this sparkly, kaleidoscopial froth  I stepped on what felt like a Lego.  But I don’t even have Legos.   I picked my foot up to see what it was but there was nothing there.  Nothing at all. I thought to myself  “Whaaaaat?? Ohhhh Come On!”  What had happened, I found out 3 seconds later, is that it had stuck to the bottom of my bare foot and covertly lifted itself into the air, attached to my foot.  As I set my foot back down I stepped on it again.  Instantly solving my 3 second mystery.  To me, it had felt like a 2 section Lego, that’s what I would have bet if I was FORCED to bet right then and there.  …The little rectangle kind you build curbs or walls with.  But as I brushed it off I saw it was actually a tiny piece of toast.

I realized this was coincidence and didn’t blame it on the golden organic IPA’s mellow mouthfeel or hoppy character.  That would be superstitious and borderline racist toward beer.  I took another sip and I’m glad I did because that ended up DOUBLING the amount of beer I had consumed with just one normal sized sip.  Remember this and always cherish your second sip for this reason.  It’s the only one that has that capability.

The aroma of this beer throws 80 mph fastballs at your nose.  Fast and alarming but not too fast to duck away from and throw your bat at the pitcher if you wanted to…but don’t.  There is no leather or anything that has any weight AT ALL in this malty aroma.  Only fumes and air molecules and probably at least SOME dust.  So laugh as it’s thrown and don’t even try to bob or weave or retaliate with words or aggression.   Otherwise the cops will end up at your house again and embarrass you in front of your neighbors.

There is a twistful melody of spicy hops energized by a few off-shot notes of  melon/caramel.  Then there’s the cedar overtones and the lingering smokiness of…fuck that. Nevermind. I’m not getting into those.  It’s a lot of flavors though.  Trust me.  So just be grateful.  A million years ago who would have even been able to cram all that flavor into a  beer vessel?  …Back in ancient times they didn’t have “bottles” or “cups”  like we do today.  Back then, they only had vessels.  Everything back then was a “vessel”, built to go to outer space.  The titanium vessels all made it to space and the clay ones they realized…”This vessel is made out of clay.  It’s just gonna fucken shatter when it gets to space. Let’s just keep it here in the desert or in that cave over there.”

Pair this beer with: Anything your grandma used to make.  Even “Love”. …I know it’s gross.  But she did.  Otherwise you wouldn’t exist.  Huge Catch-22.

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