An Oral History Of The Time We Caught My College Roommate Masturbating

Oral histories are all the rage right now, and rightfully so.  It’s a really engaging way to recall an event using just the words of the people involved.  So with that in mind, I called up all my old college roommates and we decided to do an oral history of when we caught my friend Chris masturbating in the living room of our junior year apartment.

 

Dan (Chris’s roommate): It was a Tuesday, and on Tuesdays everyone had class all day except for Justin and Chris.

 

Billy (Chris’s next door neighbor): I saw Chris that morning.  I was outside smoking a cigarette.  He came out to pick up their newspaper. It seemed like any other day.

 

Chris: This is fucking stupid.  I’m not doing this.

 

Justin (Shared a room with Chris): It was like 2:30 and it was just me and Chris in the house, and I said to Chris, I go “do you want to go play basketball down at the rec,” and he said, “No, I’m tired,” and I was like “you slept in, why are you tired?” and he was just like “I’M TIRED OKAY?”  So I just left to go play without him.

 

Ryan (Chris’s best friend): I was living a block away from Chris, and I used to just come over all the time, I had a key. But I got a call from him right around three, and he didn’t leave a voicemail, which was unusual for him.  Almost like he was trying to find out where I was.  That seemed weird.

 

Chris: I honestly don’t give a shit whether you put this on the internet or not, but I just think it’s lame and you’re being a dick.

 

Dan: My three o’clock sociology class got cancelled, the professor didn’t show up or something, so I just decided I’d go home since I didn’t have another class until five.

 

Ryan: I called Chris back like five minutes after he called and he didn’t answer. In fact, it rang once and then it went to voicemail, which means he sent it to voicemail.  That seemed weird.

 

Chris: Dude.  Seriously. Do I really have to get in to the reasons why I don’t want you to do this and have it on the internet?  Are you gonna be a fucking dick?

 

Billy: I was out in the front yard fixing my bike and I noticed that the front door to their place is closed and the shades are drawn. They never did either of those things. I thought maybe they were watching a movie or something.

 

Dan: So I come back home and all the shades are drawn and the door is closed.  I noticed that as I pulled up.  We never used to close the doors.

 

Justin: I didn’t even have a key ‘cause we never closed or locked the doors.

 

Billy: I saw Dan pull up, and I said what’s up.  I was the last person to talk to him before it happened.

 

Dan: I got home from school.  I remember Billy was in his front yard. I said what’s up. I was going to go in through the front door, but I need to throw some stuff out in the trash bin, so I went around the back.

 

Chris: No one reads your site. No one does. (Pause) At least don’t use my last name in this because I’m trying to get a job. I don’t want an employer googling my name and seeing this.

 

Justin: The living room had the only TV and VCR in the house, and this was before everybody had internet porn on their computers.  You had to download a file off Kazaa and then wait like forty minutes, having no idea what the clip was.  Then you’d open it and it’d just be of a guy punching a deer or something.

 

Dan: So, I go inside the house through the backdoor, grab a soda from the kitchen, and I hear the sounds of what I think is two people fucking in the living room, but I can tell it’s coming from the TV.

 

Chris: What is the goal with this, man? Like, you think you’re going to put this up and then people are gonna start coming to your fuckin’ website?

 

Dan: So I walk in to the living room and Chris has his pants around his ankles and he’s got a bottle of lotion next to him, and like, a towel or something nearby and he’s just going to town on his penis.  I freeze and just make some weird noise like “BAHUGH” like when you step on a snail with your bare foot. Then he sees me and and he tries to cover his penis with his hands, but he’s got a boner so it doesn’t really work.  His boner is just popping out from above his hands.  It was gross, man. So I just go “HOLY SHIT DUDE” and I just book it right back out of the house.

 

Billy: I just see Dan sprinting out of the house so I thought maybe it was on fire or something and I come outside and I’m like “Whoa, Dan, what the fuck is going on?” and Dan is like “I just walked in on Chris jerking off.”  Then I was like “that’s nasty.”

 

Chris: If I give you a quote about this, will you not use my last name?  Okay. I got caught jerking off, big fuckin’ deal, everybody jerks off.

11 Responses to An Oral History Of The Time We Caught My College Roommate Masturbating

  1. Dave G says:

    We all have a “Chris” in our lives. I can only imagine the reason he’s looking for a job is to support his expensive hentai habits.

  2. This is fucking HILARIOUS!

  3. you should totally have put his last name

  4. KC Gregor says:

    I read this site :)

  5. Andrea says:

    I visit this site. It’s hilarious. And I’m from ENGLAND.

  6. Melody says:

    LMAO!! You’re funny newsclips are even more amusing..I like your blog…
    Good shit.and FUCK IT..atleast he wasn’t caught with a blow up sheep.haha

  7. Deniz says:

    I read this website :) and I’m not in the US.

  8. George Darkow says:

    I actually laughed out loud in a silent group of about 30 people.

  9. Maps Dail says:

    I feel that, after reading this awesome story you put on here, like, I think I’m gonna start coming to your fuckin’ website

  10. Awesome says:

    LMAO! That’s awesome.

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