Holy emotional rollercoaster, batman. That shit was GAME CHANGING. No, EARTH-SHATTERING. No…well…at least A HAIR off book. There was live broadcast, preemptive dumping, gender-bending pink goggles…It did not disappoint. And thank goodness. You see, we live in an age where heroes are rare. But you gave us Jef, our very own romantic, family-oriented, 27-year-old victor. And that gay, mormon, 17-year-old champion got down on one knee, raised his Johnny-Bravo helmet to the sky, and gave America a fairytale ending. I am thankful and I am awestruck. But, above all, I am profoundly creeped out by Ernie Maynard. Like, High Definition nightmares.
But, for the moment as bittersweet as seeing Jef's skinny tie for the last time, I give you The Bachelorette Season Finale, by the numbers:
Potential suitors: 2
Number who potentially suit-her: THERE CAN ONLY BE 1
Article entitled “All Suites Equipped With Mini-Bridge” in Emily's contract with ABC: #6.5
Amount of times Jef changed outfits for meeting the future in-laws before landing on white t-shirt and converse: clearly 0
Ounces of Jef that would leave Emily, if given the opportunity: “not a single ounce”
Number of men named “Ernie” who have successfully pulled off steely intimidation: 1. Brother Maynard, your work is unprecedented.
Percent of rich people who have heard the same silence that Arie inspired by saying, “I heard when it's overcast, it's good to fish. I heard that's when they bite.”: 87%
How many dead roses in a box it takes to get dumped on national TV: 9. Great decisions all around there, Arie.
How many times Emily would actually be engaged if she got engaged on the show: 3
How many times Emily would be engaged if she got engaged on the show, when extrapolated and repeated frequently in fear: “15.”
Amount of sides on a mouth available for speech: 2
Amount of sides of Ernie's mouth producing words: 1. Seriously, guy. Your face hurts my eyeballs.
Number of episodes I've been waiting for a sweet fanny pack to make an appearance: 10. Ricki FTW.
How much more profound Emily sounds when seated by the shore: threefold. See beach quotes below:
“But, I, um, you know, it's a big decision though, and, I don't know.”
“But, like, this time, I know that, like, I don't know.”
“I would think it was weird. Not weird, but, like, I'd be disappointed, you know?”
How condescended Ricki felt after Jef ducked down and high-fived her: Eh, she's 6. She was probably fairly charmed.
How many times I rewound Ricki's explanation of her swimming trick before realizing she was most likely speaking Papiamento, the Dutch-influenced native tongue of Curacao: 9
How much sex Jef earned for giving Emily the magical gift of 360º Curacao: Ha. Looks like it's just U + Ur Hand tonight.
Words it took for me to finally see how compatible Jef is with Emily: 5 – ”Don't do too much thinking.”
Years of accolades earned by Anonymous Audience Member #2 for the invaluable lesson that having a man love your child is “more attractive than a hot pair of jeans:” eternal
Feelings inspired by Emily's booting Arie before proposal time: 2 — Shock. And. Awe.
Pain felt watching Arie proceed into the herb garden to create a love potion: epic amounts of pain. And, yet, I cannot look away.
Number of times Emily asked Arie “how are you” before kicking the shit out of his heart: 3. Way to ease him into it.
Words of inspiration I wish I could've whispered in Arie's ear when Emily was breaking up with him: 4 – “West Virginia Hoodrat Backwoods.” Guess not everyone has that sort of potential.
Times Emily bursts into tears within the 3rd quarter of this episode: a trillion and nine. Lock it up, Em.
Brows furrowed in the audience after Arie's exit: betta be every. damn. brow.
ABC's budget for The Proposal: $30, approximated using public data on stages built of plywood in the middle of “Main Street” sets.
Size font on the speech Jef was clearly reading during The Proposal: 12. No one glances down that much when they speak. Unless the world's boobs moved a foot south.
Teeth clenched during Emily's epic pause before accepting The Proposal: ~32. I may have lost a couple during my tenure in West Virginia.
The number of “mo”s that made this final scene different than all other final scenes: 2. Emily, Ricki, and a ho goin slo.
….And that was your finale. Sorry, misspoke. Fin-ah-lee. That's how Chris Harrison pronounces it and, thus, how we should all pronounce it. Because Chris Harrison is nothing if not an expert in phonetics (and a world-class lover). And I thank God I only have to go a mere 12 hours without him. The Bachelor Pad Season Pree-mehr, here we come.
But, first, of course, After The Final Prose…
Number of words it took for me to feel closure on Emily's decision: 9
“I wanted you to hear me through my journal.” – Arie
…Ok, yeah. I back it.