50 Shades of Beige: The Bachelorette Premiere, By The Numbers

His roses never smell like poo poo poo

Okay, clearly I’m a really busy and important person who usually reads books and does community work in her downtime soooooo it’s not as if I wanted to watch the premiere of The Bachelorette last night. Or like had it in my iCal since the finale of The Bachelor. Or Skype-wept with my mother over the recent announcement of host Chris Harrison’s divorce.

Obviously not.

But I begrudgingly watched last night’s episode, as I find it my duty to keep up with the cultural zeitgeist. (See? No one unironically watches reality dating shows and knows the word zeitgeist. #logic) Also because this year’s bachelorette, Emily Maynard, has my same first name. That speaks to me. But not everyone can have that deep a connection to the show, nor such a strong sense of civic duty to keep up with the dregs of humanity (the bachelors). So I did you all a favor and spared you 90 minutes by breaking down the highlights. You’re welcome.

Alas, The Bachelorette Season 8 Premiere, by the numbers:

• Potential suitors: 25
• Potential husbands: 1. Chris Harrison and only Chris Harrison.
• Average LPM (mentions of word “love” per minute): 15
• Potential tattoos, brought to you by the bachelorette herself: 3
  • “I think you should save being engaged for someone you’re going to marry.”
  • “Put on your big girl panties.”
  • “I believe in love and fabulous shoes.”
• How many babies, Emily?: “a minivan full of babies”
• Careers that did not exist until now: 2
  • Joe, the Field Energy Advisor
  • John, the Data Destruction Specialist
• How much Emily thinks the bachelors have “given up to be here:” “SO much”
• How much the bachelors actually gave up to be there: literally nothing. There is no such thing as a Data Destruction Specialist.
• Number of words used in the 3-line song David the singer/songwriter wrote for Emily: 2 (“Emily” and “Oh”)
• Minimum number of things men like to look at, according to the bachelor montage: 8. Specifically:
  • Bridges
  • Barges
  • Ties
  • The Distance
  • Subways
  • Sidewalks
  • Rivers
  • The Sun
• Number of bachelors who like to walk or run on empty streets, roads, or race car tracks, according to the bachelor montage: 6
• Number of guys with dogs: 3
• Number of guys with cats: 0 (thank god)
• Number of hugs given out as Emily meets the 25 bachelors: 28 (Welp. Someone’s a little slutty.)
• Number of disturbingly insensitive mentions of Emily’s late baby daddy, who died tragically in a plane crash: 2
  • “I see things my daughter does that remind me of her dad and it’s cool. It’s awesome.” – Emily
  • “I’m a race car driver; her fiancée was a race car driver who passed away on his way to a race. That could be a problem.” – Arie*
• Minimum number of bachelors who should be committed (the other kind) based on their use of props: 5… Though digging the boombox cameo.
• Number of black guys in the first episode: 1!
• Number of black guys who made it to the second episode: 0
• Number of requests required for me to recap every episode from here on: 2. A CALL TO ARMS!
• Number of episodes I’ll watch anyway: I mean…Come on.

* Number of problems solved easier by learning to apparate at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry than by changing professions: 1.