50 Shades of Beige: The Bachelorette Premiere, By The Numbers

Chris Harrison a.k.a. Jesus Incarnate

His roses never smell like poo poo poo

Okay, clearly I’m a really busy and important person who usually reads books and does community work in her downtime soooooo it’s not as if I wanted to watch the premiere of The Bachelorette last night. Or like had it in my iCal since the finale of The Bachelor. Or Skype-wept with my mother over the recent announcement of host Chris Harrison’s divorce.

Obviously not.

But I begrudgingly watched last night’s episode, as I find it my duty to keep up with the cultural zeitgeist. (See? No one unironically watches reality dating shows and knows the word zeitgeist. #logic) Also because this year’s bachelorette, Emily Maynard, has my same first name. That speaks to me. But not everyone can have that deep a connection to the show, nor such a strong sense of civic duty to keep up with the dregs of humanity (the bachelors). So I did you all a favor and spared you 90 minutes by breaking down the highlights. You’re welcome.

Alas, The Bachelorette Season 8 Premiere, by the numbers:

  • Potential suitors: 25
  • Potential husbands: 1. Chris Harrison and only Chris Harrison.
  • Average LPM (mentions of word “love” per minute): 15
  • Potential tattoos, brought to you by the bachelorette herself: 3
    • “I think you should save being engaged for someone you’re going to marry.”
    • “Put on your big girl panties.”
    • “I believe in love and fabulous shoes.”
  • How many babies, Emily?: “a minivan full of babies”
  • Careers that did not exist until now: 2
    • Joe, the Field Energy Advisor
    • John, the Data Destruction Specialist
  • How much Emily thinks the bachelors have “given up to be here:” “SO much”
  • How much the bachelors actually gave up to be there: literally nothing. There is no such thing as a Data Destruction Specialist.
  • Number of words used in the 3-line song David the singer/songwriter wrote for Emily: 2 (“Emily” and “Oh”)
  • Minimum number of things men like to look at, according to the bachelor montage: 8. Specifically:
    • Bridges
    • Barges
    • Ties
    • The Distance
    • Subways
    • Sidewalks
    • Rivers
    • The Sun
  • Number of bachelors who like to walk or run on empty streets, roads, or race car tracks, according to the bachelor montage: 6
  • Number of guys with dogs: 3
  • Number of guys with cats: 0 (thank god)
  • Number of hugs given out as Emily meets the 25 bachelors: 28 (Welp. Someone’s a little slutty.)
  • Number of disturbingly insensitive mentions of Emily’s late baby daddy, who died tragically in a plane crash: 2
    • “I see things my daughter does that remind me of her dad and it’s cool. It’s awesome.” – Emily
    • “I’m a race car driver; her fiancée was a race car driver who passed away on his way to a race. That could be a problem.” – Arie*
  • Minimum number of bachelors who should be committed (the other kind) based on their use of props: 5… Though digging the boombox cameo.
  • Number of black guys in the first episode: 1!
  • Number of black guys who made it to the second episode: 0
  • Number of requests required for me to recap every episode from here on: 2. A CALL TO ARMS!
  • Number of episodes I’ll watch anyway: I mean…Come on.

* Number of problems solved easier by learning to apparate at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry than by changing professions: 1.

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3 Responses to 50 Shades of Beige: The Bachelorette Premiere, By The Numbers

  1. Bling says:

    Request

  2. The Ram Jam says:

    And here’s request number 2.

    Looking forward to a full season of these!

  3. Lizzie says:

    more please!