= Lower Branch of Ricki's Family Tree

Y'all. I'm like super mad at Emily. You know when you're a kid and you can't wait every year for Santa Claus to come? That's what The Fantasy Suite Episode is like for me. And you know what Emily did to me? She came to me on Christmas morning and told me it doesn't even matter because I'm Jewish. Thanks, Emily “I'm a role model and a mother” Maynard. Thanks for being a grinchy-ass beeyotch.

Sorry. Mama gets cranky without her soft-core porn. To the task at hand…(Sigh)

The Bachelorette Episode 9, by the numbers:

Potential suitors: 3

Number of tries it took to get the spelling of the fictional isle of “Curacao:” 6

Ways I was sure it was spelled before I googled it: 1. ”Kirasow.”

Amount of times Emily says Sean wants to get married in his life: “only” 1

Amount of times anyone else in this franchise wants to get married: undisclosed

Key qualities listed in quick succession to introduce Jef:

1) “I love his style.”

2) “He is so his own person and he doesn't care what anybody thinks.”

3) “He marches to his own drum completely.”

Rate of head spin by the end of quality #3: 9 drag-queen-in-a-tutu pirouettes / min.

Number of nicknames Emily uses for Arie: 1, ”Sweet Arie.”

Number of nicknames Emily uses for Arie that really aren't nicknames: [see above]

Number of letters written and read aloud independently by suitors this season: 2

Number of strides taken this season by The Bachelor and Bachelorette Literacy Initiative: beyond measure

Extra seconds Sean could've held off saying he's “fallen in love” before Emily would've had the producers write it on the teleprompter: 30 – 45 seconds

Shades blurring together as Emily describes her forbidden desire for Sean, explaining:

“Sean is like so hot and so manly.  Every time I’m around Sean it’s like I can’t keep my hands off him. I’m so confused. Every fiber in my whole entire body is saying, ‘Just stay the night.’ Every fiber in my head is saying, ‘No, don’t do it.’”

50 Shades of Beige + Fifty Shades of Grey = 100 Shades of YOUHAVETOBEKIDDINGME

Number of reasons Jef would be a good dad, according to Emily: 3

1) “You are fun.”

2) “You were so good with the kids at the park.”

3) “And I think you, like, want to be.”

Number of times Jef has failed at getting just-a-little gay-er when you'd thought he'd reached capacity: 0. Because after the line, “You're an amazing girl,” swiftly comes, “And I feel like you attract amazing guys.”*

*And after that comes, “Right now is a time for us to bridle these passions.

Number of finely-crafted zebra-print rugs wasted on Emily: At least 5. Those innocent zebras die for NOTHING.

Holes in Emily's logic when she concludes that Arie must not be scared of anything if he's not scared of dolphins: 0

Possible answers to Emily's following hypothetical, “Dollywood to Curacao. Who'da thunk it?”: 1. His name rhymes with Bliss Fairisson and he creates MIRACLES.

New things I learned are important to a successful marriage: 1, “what you do on a Tuesday morning.”

Things I do on a Tuesday morning that don't involve watching, writing about, reliving, reenacting, debunking, demystifying, or internalizing the previous night's episode of The Bachelorette: 1. Sometimes I wash my face.

Number of former Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants who have cried this much at the end of Episode 9: 0

…Number of former Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants who have rejected all three invitations for sweet-sweet-lovin': 0. Just interjecting with a scientific observation.

Number of things Emily needs to gaze at before watching the videos Chris asks her to: 2, rainy window and picture frames. Viewing-things-before-viewing-other-things pregameeeeeeeee!

Number of further seasons featured on ABC Sean won himself with that exit speech: 1 minimum. Well, hello, Season 17.

Weeks I've waited to say “bowchickawahwah”aloud again: 25, a.k.a. since the approximate premiere date of The Bachelor Season 16, Episode 9.

After the disappointment of this episode, likelihood I will live to “bowchickawahwah” once more: .05% A large part of me has died today.



  1. Number of out-loud laughs (I prefer to call say OLL!) in this post: at least 4, maybe 5.

    My rank as a commenter on this particular blog: 1.

    Things I have to add this week, because I’m so goddamned witty: 0, this post makes me happy to be alive.

  2. Heidi Metcalfe says:

    Where is the GUYS TELL ALL by the numbers!?!? I lost count of how many times Kalon struggled to close his mouth over his enormous teeth, the number of times Ari’s giant man paws slowly reached for Emily’s neck in flashbacks of their numerous makeout sessions, the number of times they trotted out the “Jef is going to be such a good dad because he bought Ricki a marionette” scene – and, most importantly, the number of references to Jef’s lisp. THAT one I can count. Zero!

  3. Jon Stewart says:

    Number of times I hit refresh on my browser before I believed that 50 Shades of Beige, The Bachelorette By the Numbers (Episode 10) The Men Tell All doen’t exist: 47

    The number of men who actually told all: 0 (I always find this canned, 50% recap show a little frustrating.)

    The number of bloopers that are ever a) funny or b) actual bloopers: 0

    The number of times Emily felt bad about letting Chris go after watching what a dick he is in the Bachelor Pad previews: 0

    Collective number of minutes spent artfully shaving one’s facial hair pre-show: 973

    Number of days I will be angry if there is no season finale FSOBTBBTN wrap up of from the most exciting conclusion (+ live after the rose!) in bachelor history: 1 (Because I’ll be so excited the new blog Fifty Shades of Pure Unadulterated Trash We Can’t Wait to See: Bachelor Pad by the Numbers!)