I have to say, I’m starting to think these muckraking journalists out there have really started to neglect morality. Spreading rumors of the WORLD’S BEST PLOT TWIST like this?! Getting it into our heads that the most EPIC POSSIBLE SEASON FINALE is possible?! That Emily and Chris Harrison could have a secret AWESOMELY SCANDALOUSLY YUM-AZING romance?! Really, Star magazine. It doesn’t feel nice to be toyed with. Don’t you see how this makes me feel? If you’re not 100% sure about this…Look how upset I am right now. And just at the sheer possibility of libel. Please, be careful with your words. They can really hurt someone.
Sorry. What are we here for? Oh, the “reality” show where Emily is “looking for love.” “Looking for love” while not getting freaky with Chris Harrison while wearing nothing but that sterling silver rose tray.
So, yeah…The Bachelorette Episode 8, by the numbers:
Potential suitors: 4
Potential winners: 5…
Amount of castles Chris says Emily’s brought him to: 10
Amount of castles they’ve let us see them visit: 1. What the fuck.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how Polish Chris’s family is: “We’re Polish.”
On a scale of 1 to 10, how Polish Chris’s family was (until 20 minutes into Episode 8): Negative Polish.
Amount of times the line “diamonds on my neck…di-diamonds on my neck” repeated in my head while staring at papa John’s chain: 7.5. Damn you, Smitty featuring Swizz Beatz.
Number of Jef lines Chris totally stole for his own dialogue: 1 - “I was a hot mess, ma.” Come on, Chris. You could never be that sassy.
Words uttered by Emily that should really register more in her mind when she says them: 4 - “Jef and his skinny jeans.”
Number of parents Jef has: 2
Number of siblings Jef has: half-doz, easy
Number of Utahs Jef lives in: 1
Number of seconds it should take you to realize Jef is Mormon: 17. Get there faster, folks.
Number of points possible in my new game, ”Who Said This Today: Jef or Anderson Cooper?”: 2
1. “They know I’m, like, free-spirited and kinda into doing my own thing.”
2. “The fact is, I’m gay.”
How much stuff Jef wrote about on the plane from Prague: “a bunch of stuff“
How much harder it is for me to make fun of Jef after hearing his list of why he loves Emily: Tenfold. He may be as gay as the day is long, but boy can turn a phrase.
How many TRULY unsexy ethnicities came out of the woodwork this week: 2. Mmm, Polish and Dutch. Way to be white.
How much better Arie’s this-is-her-second-language mother’s English is than his sister Theresa: Like, a lot. Betch is really stupid.
Amount of times Emily says Sean is perfect: a million
Amount of times I rolled my eyes before succumbing to a knowing nod: [see above]
How mad crazy jealous I am of Kensington’s playhouse: HELLA MAD CRAZY JEALOUS
The amount of emotions Sean toyed with during the whole “I live at home” prank: ALL OF THEM. I refer you to the following unedited notes:
“SEAN STILL LIVES AT HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHATTTTTT THIS IS AWESOME OMG WHATTTTTTTT. AND THERE’S THE BIGGEST SHOCK IN BACHELORETTE HISTORY. WAIT THIS IS AMAZING. THERE’S A STUFFED CAT NAMED WHISKERS. THERE ARE SALTINES EVERYWHERE. LITERALLY EVERYWHERE. THIS IS THE BEST THING. BEST FUCKING THING.”
[20 seconds later]
“FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK HOW COULD YOU HAVE DONE THAT TO ME FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK”
[30 seconds later]
“But ok so he’s still perfect.”
[and 3 minutes after that]
“HE’S RUNNING AFTER A CAR!!! HE IS THE MOST PERFECT.”
Number of times I said aloud “Ok, Chris H. I see you.” in his pre-elimination interview with Emily: 4. Because meeting her at the limo before the rose ceremony was always protocol. Sure…
****NO BUT REALLY ARE THEY HAVING AN AFFAIR?!??!? SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME RIGHT THIS INSTANT. RIGHT NOW. RIGHT AT THE END OF THIS SENTENCE. PLEASE. HELP.