Emily. We need to talk. I’m bored. You’re given a hussy producer on a silver platter and you squander it. Where’d my little hood-rat go? Not only is West Virginia disappointed in you, but I’m disappointed in you. So much so that I’ve decided you don’t even deserve a preamble. Yeah. Hurts, don’t it?
The Bachelorette Episode 7, by the numbers:
Potential suitors: 6
Record rate of distance-gazing locations per minute: 1.67 dglpm, as evidenced by the first 3 minutes’ use of windows, bridges, parks, cobblestoned streets, and marinas.
Years waited by the producers to use “Czech” as a date-card pun: 10
How many things Arie has invested in his relationship with Emily: “alot”…but actually 2: ”my emotions” + “my feelings”
The difference between how Chris Harrison might introduce himself when revealing Arie’s past and when doing a PSA on chlamydia: 0 difference
Mentions of Ricki by name in this episode: 1. Really.
Amount of things that rhyme with puppets that have also inexplicably cameoed on this show: 1
The number on the pain scale from watching Emily try to say “communism”: 7.5
Amount of days John’s ex turned off her phone while cheating on him: 3
Number of balls John’s ex had to go with the defense that she was “at happy hour”: 2
The hours of strategizing Sean dedicated to finding Emily after hours: 47
Amount of components in Sean’s strategy: 1. Yelling “Emily” while walking…I guess you could argue that’s 2 components.
Life lessons we can learn from Sean’s impromptu one-on-one: 1 very valuable lesson… At the end of the day, the majority of women can be found standing alone in a nearby alley.
The further increase on the pain scale when watching Emily try to say “thirteenth century:” + 1.5
The further increase on the pain scale when Doug steals a kiss in the midst of Emily’s rejection speech: + 3 (So, just to keep you up to speed, we’re at about a 12 out of 10 here in Prague.)
Number of sentences Doug used to REALLY MAKE EMILY SEE WHAT SHE’S MISSING: 5 — “No comment. Have a good one. Yeah. Take care. See ya.”
Number of hills climbed during the group date: 2 - physical and emotional. Whoa.
Current growth rate of Jef’s hair vertically: 1.5″/episode
Current gravitation rate of Jef’s hair towards his right ear: 4″/episode
Recommended steps Emily and Jef forgot to take when a man with a puppet invites you inside: 2
Step 1: Turn
Step 2: Run
Odds that Emily and Jef “happened” to have their marionettes with them at the “exact right moment” to act out their love story: 1 in 8, at best. Can you say destiny?
New additions to the “You know how I know you’re gay?…” list, as provided by Jef on a weekly basis: 1 …You compliment a girl’s nail polish while playing with puppets.
Amount of people Emily can “lay on the floor with and still be really happy:” not many
Tears of joy cried as Jef recited the line, “I wanna date you so hard and marry the shit out of you:” LIKE…A RIVER.
Captains with a recurring cameo every time Jef says things like “Love you, John,” or “I like your nail polish, Emily:” 1. Hello again, Captain Obvious.*
How hard I’ve tried to make something out of John’s dismissal combined with his career as a “Data Destruction Specialist:” THE HARDEST. So close and, yet, so far. Oh well.
*But really. Jef is very gay.