50 SHADES OF BEIGE: THE BACHELORETTE (EPISODE 7), BY THE NUMBERS

I mean, if you can't find love in Prague...

Emily. We need to talk. I’m bored. You’re given a hussy producer on a silver platter and you squander it. Where’d my little hood-rat go? Not only is West Virginia disappointed in you, but I’m disappointed in you. So much so that I’ve decided you don’t even deserve a preamble. Yeah. Hurts, don’t it?

The Bachelorette Episode 7, by the numbers:

Potential suitors: 6

Record rate of distance-gazing locations per minute: 1.67 dglpm, as evidenced by the first 3 minutes’ use of windows, bridges, parks, cobblestoned streets, and marinas.

Years waited by the producers to use “Czech” as a date-card pun: 10

How many things Arie has invested in his relationship with Emily: “alot”…but actually 2: ”my emotions” + “my feelings”

The difference between how Chris Harrison might introduce himself when revealing Arie’s past and when doing a PSA on chlamydia: 0 difference

Mentions of Ricki by name in this episode: 1. Really.

Amount of things that rhyme with puppets that have also inexplicably cameoed on this show: 1

The number on the pain scale from watching Emily try to say “communism”: 7.5

Amount of days John’s ex turned off her phone while cheating on him: 3

Number of balls John’s ex had to go with the defense that she was “at happy hour”: 2

The hours of strategizing Sean dedicated to finding Emily after hours: 47

Amount of components in Sean’s strategy: 1. Yelling “Emily” while walking…I guess you could argue that’s 2 components.

Life lessons we can learn from Sean’s impromptu one-on-one: 1 very valuable lesson… At the end of the day, the majority of women can be found standing alone in a nearby alley.

The further increase on the pain scale when watching Emily try to say “thirteenth century:” + 1.5

The further increase on the pain scale when Doug steals a kiss in the midst of Emily’s rejection speech: + 3 (So, just to keep you up to speed, we’re at about a 12 out of 10 here in Prague.)

Number of sentences Doug used to REALLY MAKE EMILY SEE WHAT SHE’S MISSING: 5 — “No comment. Have a good one. Yeah. Take care. See ya.”

Number of hills climbed during the group date: 2 - physical and emotional. Whoa.

Current growth rate of Jef’s hair vertically: 1.5″/episode 

Current gravitation rate of Jef’s hair towards his right ear: 4″/episode

Recommended steps Emily and Jef forgot to take when a man with a puppet invites you inside:

Step 1: Turn

Step 2: Run

Odds that Emily and Jef “happened” to have their marionettes with them at the “exact right moment” to act out their love story: 1 in 8, at best.  Can you say destiny?

New additions to the “You know how I know you’re gay?…” list, as provided by Jef on a weekly basis: 1 …You compliment a girl’s nail polish while playing with puppets.

Amount of people Emily can “lay on the floor with and still be really happy:” not many

Tears of joy cried as Jef recited the line, “I wanna date you so hard and marry the shit out of you:” LIKE…A RIVER.

Captains with a recurring cameo every time Jef says things like “Love you, John,” or “I like your nail polish, Emily:” 1. Hello again, Captain Obvious.*

How hard I’ve tried to make something out of John’s dismissal combined with his career as a “Data Destruction Specialist:” THE HARDEST. So close and, yet, so far. Oh well.

 

*But really. Jef is very gay.

 

 

 

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