50 SHADES OF BEIGE: THE BACHELORETTE (EPISODE 6), BY THE NUMBERS

Awww. "Humble Doug."

Oh, Emily. You think you can fool me but you can’t. Obviously you had to keep this guy. To reject someone with a great nickname like that? That would be very shocking. Sorry. Big word. Let’s see if someone can unpack that for you…Ryan?

“That is very shocking because I would not have seen that coming.” - Ryan, editor-in-chief of Ryan Explains Stuff

So, Em, thanks for proving again that you’re such a “good judge of character.” I mean, have you seen that face?! Who wouldn’t keep him around?! (In all seriousness though, I do like your forearms, Doug. Pleasure to have you on board.)

…Sorry, where were we? I’ve lost track of my thoughts. It’s just really loud at THE GUN SHOW.

Oh. Right. The Bachelorette Episode 6, by the numbers:

Potential suitors: 8

Possible rebuttals to Jef’s assertion that “Croatia is the perfect place to fall in love:” 195

The amount of tardies Travis, who wears Birkenstocks, must have: 38 tardies. By far the most tardies in the class.

Number of readers who win my heart by getting the above reference: …..? (Let’s see those posts. Mom, you first.)

Additional topless shots Emily requires from Travis: AT LEAST 1

 “Travis stood on [the wall] but he didn’t take off his shirt. I’m really bummed out Travis didn’t take his shirt off. I’ve been wondering, like, what’s underneath his shirt and I feel like I gave the perfect set-up for it.”

Score of the one-on-one date for Travis: 10

…Total possible points on Travis’s scale: 8

…Number of boxes Travis will be contained in: 0!

Amount of words ideal for cushioning the blow of having no romantic appeal, as demonstrated by Emily’s sendoff to Travis: 2 – “Bye, Honey.”

Number of corporations who fucked us all out of valuable v-neck time: 2. Disney/Pixar, this is neither the time nor the place.

Which cheerleader Jef looks like in a tank top and a skirt: #1! You’re the HEAD cheerleader!!!!!

Percent of viewers thinking the exact same thing when Doug proclaimed, “It feels like we’re in Scotland. Which is a little confusing ‘cuz we’re in Croatia…Whatever. I’ll go with it:” 97.95%

The number of adjectives worthy of the experience of watching Jef try to carry a log: 1 = DELIGHTFUL.

Number of remaining suitors who fly in the face of Emily’s claim, “I don’t care about big muscles…That’s not impressive to me:” 5. I really do believe she likes you for your personality, Jef.

Minimum number of blanket huddles per episode: 8

Minimum number of blankets-per-huddle for Jef: 3. The delicate are easily chilled.

Number of snarky lines I have to offer about Arie kissing Emily against that wall: I…um…I…ya know…sweaty

Days a year Ryan wonders who he wants to be that day: 365

Days a year Ryan decides to be President of Dickwad, Minnesota: 365

Men other than Ryan who have been accused of “plucking his finger hairs” in the history of the earth: 0. Not a thing, Chris. Not a thing.

Number of lesbians who look like Justin Bieber: 1 = Jef in an American Apparel zip-up FOR THE WIN.

Percent certain I am in my understanding of what the crazy old Croatian man was saying: 110%. (Got ears like a coyote.)…And I quote:

“Smiley picture younger partisan Myra’s café latte yeah get her a bank in San Francisco.”

Things on Ryan’s list for his future wife: 12

…Number he skips: 3 (between #2 Logical and #4 An Encourager)

…Number of non-synonymous qualities he squeezes into #8: 3 – “Magnetic, loves to laugh, someone that’s a servant.”

How many thoughts Ryan has about the rose on the table during his date: 2

(1.)There it is. (2.)It’s been there.”

Brilliance of Emily’s explanation, “It’s hard for me to put into words what I feel and what I think because a lot of it doesn’t make any sense and none of it is very logical.”: BE.YOND. BRILL.IANT.

How much fun the editors had with Ryan’s line, “For you guys who cut this up, you do a good job of portraying exactly who I am and not, ya know, an arrogant ass:” OODLES 

Percent of balls that left their after-hours visit in Emily’s bedroom colored by a royal shade of blue: 100% 

Timestamp when Chris Harrison finally shows up for work: 1 hour 53 minutes. Guess somebody’s 2Kewl4Kroatia. (But really. Don’t do that to me again.)

Your degree of certainty in your answer to the following question: FILL IN THE BLANK

Place the quote in its appropriate context: “I’ve had this in my wallet since 1999.”

Is it A) JOHN explaining his grandparents’ funeral card or B) JEF explaining his Fire + Ice condom?

Mystery biddies lurking in the alley with Chris: 1. But really. Who dat?

How many rules there are, as Chris Harrison has told Emily “from the beginning:”

How many guys Emily keeps because there are no rules in the episode where the rules say to keep 6 guys: 6

…I mean. Bravery.

4 Responses to 50 SHADES OF BEIGE: THE BACHELORETTE (EPISODE 6), BY THE NUMBERS

  1. carolynpepsi says:

    I’d like to thank the LA city bus driver for taking a chance on an unknown kid.

  2. Number of gratuitous wild street cat shots in episode 6: at least 3. Croatia = cat lovers paradise!

    Number of rewinds required to understand Arie’s comment about a mirror being the Bachelorette if Ryan were the Bachelor: 4.

    Number of times Emily puts Ryan in his place by telling him he’s a vapid, delusional, misogynist asshole who sometimes “misses the mean man” and will undoubtedly one day be jailed for spousal battery: 0. Not 100% sure about your decision? Really, Emily? Really?

    Number of Emilys associated with this post we still love anyway: 2.

  3. croatia is the perfect place to fall in love says:

    ugh I hate fire & ice condoms.

  4. Ayesha says:

    Aww, I miss Travis Birkenstock. I hear USA took a chance on him too.

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