Oh, dear Emily, you wily minx. Just when I’m sure you’re nothing but a prude ice-queen bitch, you go all Stratford-Upon-Avon and turn my shit upside down. Alas, my darling, I find you to be a prude ice-queen BAD ASS MOTHER FUCKER. (A BAMFlorette, if you will.) Now, if you weren’t watching the verbal smackdown on Kalon last night…well, I don’t get what you were doing. But you probably think I’m being facetious. Not tonight. Not with this performance. Not upon hearing the words, ”I wanna go out there and rip his limbs off and beat him with them.” Oh no, this is sincere. This is the discovery of our very own Million Dollary Baby Mama. This is a new dawn. But I don’t wanna count my chickens before they hatch a cap on yo’ ass, so let’s regroup…
Ladies and gentlemen (and whatever Jef is) -
The Bachelorette Episode 5, by the numbers:
Potential suitors: 10
Average inches Jef’s hair gains in height per week: .52″
How much of Jef’s mousse budget should be allocated to purchasing an additional “f”: 100%
How many cue cards Emily used to teach Sean about St. Paul’s Cathedral, Westminster Abbey, and Henry VIII: approx. 37
How many things it takes to be with someone, in The World According to Arie: 2
1. “You kind of learn what they’re into.”
2. “Maybe you’ll get into that.”
Number of actual reasons Emily likes Sean: 1
Number of different ways she phrases said reason: at least 4 – “good-looking,” “hot,” “handsome,” “should be boring”
How many kids Sean wants, according to his response “1 or 2, 3, 4, 6, 10,” assuming his answer was meant as a lump sum: 24. No, sorry. 24 or 25.
Drafts of Romeo + Juliet Kalon had to track down for the line, ”That rose doesn’t smell so sweet at all. To me, it smells like shit:” 5…ish.
How many guys Emily kisses while sick: 4
How many possible diseases Sean, Ryan, Arie, and Jef have been exposed to before now: unlimited
How long it took for cast members to win the fight to read their lines on camera rather than memorize them: 16 seasons of The Bachelor + 7 seasons, 5 episodes, and 32 minutes of The Bachelorette. Those krazy kids finally unionized!
Number of t-shirts sold featuring Travis’s line, “Shakespeare is huge in Madison, Mississippi”: 1. I bought it. And I wear it everyday underneath all my clothes.
The rotation of my brain after hearing Doug worry, “I don’t wanna sound like an idiot. Especially, in front of an audience”: 360-degree spin
Words it takes before you, too, can get WVHB (see above), like Emily: 4 — “GET. THE. FUCK. OUT.” …Or, if you’ll allow me to elaborate: “Hey, Kalon. I’m handing out roses and ass-whoopin’s and I’m all out of roses.”
How sad I was when Emily and Jef abandoned Jean at her etiquette lesson: you don’t even understand
The requisite length of pause following Jef I’m-Presumably-Heterosexual Holm’s analogy, “If Ricki’s baggage, then she’s a Chloe handbag that I wanna have forever”: 3 to 30,000 minutes. But no, Em, you’re right: He’s just “really hard to read.”
Ladies equipped to wrap this up, as we say farewell to Alejandro: 1.
I know that we are young.
And I know you may love me.
But I just can’t be with you like this anymore,
…Like I could resist that. Thanks, LG.