50 SHADES OF BEIGE: THE BACHELORETTE (EPISODE 4), BY THE NUMBERS

So, I found something kinda sad today. There I was, just strollin’ the streets of Bermudaton, Bermuda, and I see this tiny book wedged between the bars of a child-sized cage. It was pretty mysterious and mostly illegible, but really touching. In fact, I’d love to share an excerpt:

Dear Diary,

So, Bermuda’s pretty wack. I mean, mom’s gone like 23 hours of the day. And, yeah, sure, she’s spun me in the air a couple times in various scenic locales but she totally didn’t even care when I mastered “the blue list.” (And it’s, like, the hardest list.) What’s that shit about? I did not sign up for destination parenting. This isn’t getting anyone mom points. Seriously…betch be cray callin this a vaycay.

Kisses and rainbows,

Ricki

Yikes. Pretty miz, huh? I hope it gets better for the poor kid/prop.

 

Anyway…The Bachelorette Episode 4, by the numbers:

Potential suitors: 13

Bachelors that respond “sweet,” upon seeing their suite: 1. (Impressive self-control, boys.)

Episodes it took me to note that Alejandro is a MUSHROOM FARMER: 4. I’m not sure I can go on.

How much it would suck to come all the way to Bermuda just to go home, as calculated by Doug: “Alot”

How many times Doug says he would walk through the “moon gate” if he could: 100. 1 down, dude.

How many years a “moon gate” has been not-remotely-a-thing: 4.54 +/- 0.5 billion

Cloud # Doug finds himself on after Emily dictates a postcard: 9

Cloud # Doug travels to after he gets the rose: 9! OMGSAMECLOUD!

How gay Ryan thinks sailing is: super gay

# of sailing uniforms available in v-neck: 0. Rude.

Additional time required to distinguish between bachelors when they’re all wearing the same shirt: 126 seconds

Reasons that should’ve caused Emily to say “I feel like [Ryan]‘s judging me”: 4 minimum

1) Toasts her as “the trophy wife”

2) ”I like your butt as it’s been in the gym.”

3) “God designed you to be a beauitful woman so be a beautiful woman.”

4) “I want to know why you’re worthy.”

Dumbass reasons that actually caused her to fear he’s judging her: 1 –“He’s mad that I kissed someone else.”

Amount of people assigned to play with Ricki: 12

Amount of those people who are not people but baby chickens: 11

Number of ways of pronouncing the word “quinoa:” 1. And it ain’t “kwin-noah,” Nate.

Jurrasic Park installment used as the “cave” set: Jurassic Park III

Inches too high Jef’s blue socks go: 8. Knee-highs, Jef? Really?

Timestamp for long-hair-guy’s first appearance: 1 hour, 37 minutes

Timestamp for long-hair-guy’s first words: 25 minutes past no-rose-o’clock. But nice to meet you…uh…

Timestamp for when I found out long-hair-guy’s name: 26 minutes past no-rose-o’clock. Oh, Michael, I barely knew thee.