50 Shades of Beige: The Bachelorette (Episode 3), By the Numbers

On Mondays, we wear pink.

You guyssssss, I’m having problems. Like, I just don’t think Emily’s totally getting how this show works. You don’t actually come to The Bachelor franchise to find love. You “look for” love, mostly in or around hot tubs, bridges, and fantasy suites. Did you not do any homework for this, Emily? I didn’t suffer through a season of watching Ashley straddle anything with a lap just to watch you high-five on a ledge. So, get a move on it, homegirl. The people want their softcore porn. Anyhoo, to the task at hand…

The Bachelorette Episode 3, by the numbers:

Potential suitors: 16

Potential v-necks on screen when bachelors gather: unlimited

Number of new fantasies Chris thinks of after seeing that Emily “looks unbelievable in harnesses”: 5-6…At least, I hope they’re new.

New arguments that Chris Harrison is God: 1. Perfectly-timed lightning, bitches.

How long Chris says his “high school love” lasted: 6 years

How long it took Chris to graduate, according to my deductions: too long

Live country performances to date: 3

How much I love Wendy, the old, pervy, drunk friend: THE MOST

How many girls I want to see as the Bachelorette from now on: 1  (TEAM WENDY!!)

Number of children necessary to dub it a “stampede”: this many

Reasonable amount of strange men allowed to play with your children: 16

How deep a hole Ryan dug himself when he told Emily he wouldn’t “love on her” if she got fat: As deep as possible. And then 1000 acres below that.

Quantity of Icy Hot used by Tony in order to tear up at his son calling it “Nerf Caroline”: 6.5 dabs per eye

Number of suitors who are dads: 2

Number of dads sent home for being a dad: 1. But yeah, Em, you were totally just being a good person.

How zany-yet-sad it is that Dollywood is Emily’s “happiest place on earth”: zad beyond belief

Maximum amount of episodes before we figure out what’s wrong with Arie: 2.3. But, seriously, dude. You’re killin it.

Number of words it takes to win over America, as demonstrated by Kalon: 13 – “I love it when you talk but I wish you’d let me finish.” (Swoon.)

Number of rhymes left after Alejandro gets the boot: 1. Sean, don’t you dare do that to John.

My level of shock that a “party MC” named “Stevie” didn’t turn out to be the ideal father of your child: I mean…I think you get it.

Types of “men” in this world, according to this episode: 3 – ”physical men,” “manly men,” and “dainty men”

Number of MEN on The Bachelorette1. I see you, Chris Harrison. I see you and I like it.


3 Responses to 50 Shades of Beige: The Bachelorette (Episode 3), By the Numbers

  1. courtney farrell says:

    Okay now I KNOW that the ONLY reason to suffer thru this season’s prissy-single-mom routine (despite Boring Emily’s concession to tongue-play with smoothie Arie) is Cool Emily’s blog. But Cool Em, can you puhleeeze find out why that guy’s last name (Wolf–first name already forgotten) is in quote marks? Seriously.

  2. Bling says:

    Did you send Chris Harrison all of the roses?

  3. Andrew Belonsky says:

    I have to admit that I have never read a more precise summary of ‘The Bachelorette’. This show is so soulless that it must be broken down into digits. There can be no other value.
    Emily H, you have subtly and artfully dissected a worthless cultural manifestation, and you did it with humor. more powerful than the sword.
    looking forward to more,
    andy b.

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