50 Shades of Beige: The Bachelorette (Episode 2), By The Numbers

Not til the fantasy suites, Miss Piggy.

As a woman of the people, I’ve never been one to ignore the cry of the masses. So after I was bombarded by requests from not 2, but 3 people who were not my mother (she was lukewarm about it) to reprise the #BachCount (it’s a thing) for the second episode, I felt it was only fair to give the fans what they wanted.

Alas, back by popular demand, The Bachelorette Episode 2, by the numbers:

Potential suitors: 19

Potential husbands: 1, still just Chris Harrison. Really. Boy looks bomb in a suit.

Average LPM (“Love”s per minute): 0.5, a new record low. Seriously, no one said it until minute 19. Liiiiiiiiiike, I’m scared.

Points of overlap between the target audience of The Bachelorette and The Muppets1. The Really-Sad-People demo.

Amount of time it took me to realize Chris Harrison wasn’t a Muppet: like, a really long amount of time.

Things going on in Charlotte, North Carolina other than The Bachelorette, according to Eyewitness Newsliterally nothing.

Minimum number of people who pronounce it, “Imily”: 3, including Imily herself. I think this may be the correct spelling.

Amount of man nips revealed by the 8:00 minute mark: 384. Keep it in your v-necks, boys.

Reasons to be incredibly jealous of Ricki: 30, one per Tupperware-contained orange slice. (WHY IS THIS NOT A PART OF ADULTHOOD?!)

Times the guys mention how awesome it is that Emily is dressed down: 7

Times the guys call her “sexy”: 1, when she changes her outfit.

Friends Emily has in Charlotte: “all of them.” She says she’s friends with all of Charlotte.

Conversations it takes to know Ryan and Emily belong together: 1

“Honey I’m gon’ give you a chase if you ask for it,” Emily challenges.

“Oooh Lord, I’m ready,” Ryan responds.

“You asked for it.”

“This Southern boy knows how to chase.”

“Get on it.”

“You know how to run?”

“Oh yeah.”

Bachelors who admit it’s “difficult to talk”: 1

Number of Bachelors who make it difficult to listen: 18

“Charlie is extremely nervous. You can tell by his emotions.” – “Wolf”

Episodes it took them to rhyme “Alejandro” and “Alessandro”: 1 episode and 22 minutes

Attendance at the performance of 14 amateurs and 3 puppets: 500+. Seriously, let’s get Charlotte a hobby.

The grimness of the statement, “Singing with The Muppets. Doesn’t get any better than that.”: So. Insanely. Grim.

Bachelorette winners who have had a soul patch: 0. Stevie, shit ain’t happening. You look like Chris Kirkpatrick.

Awful : Awesome ratio of things Ryan “gets to do” on his “real life” date v. Joe: 1 : 1

Potential fill-in-the-bleeps for the following statement: INFINITY*

“I have a rule. If you have Louis Vuitton luggage and you’re a dude. You’re a [bleep].” The world is your oyster, readers.

Growth rate in respect for Emily after the following 2 statements: factor of 10

“One of the things I like about you most. You’re SO GOOD LOOKING.”

“I think Joe’s really hot. I think he looks like Matthew McConaughey. So I’m really excited to get to know him.”

In the history of the world, people who have used the word “intangible” while on a swing: 1. Way to go, Kalon.

Hot-ass superheroes booted by Emily this week: 1. WHY IS CLARK KENT (Aaron) GONE?! HAVE YOU SEEN HIS GLASSES AND HIS FACE?! (Hi. Call me.)

Minimum appearances of Muppets in next week’s episode before I stop watching: ¼ Muppet. Get the fucking puppets away from me.

*Really. Let’s get some comments here. I will personally send a rose to the winner. In fact, I’ll probably send a rose to anyone who comments. Please comment.

7 Responses to 50 Shades of Beige: The Bachelorette (Episode 2), By The Numbers

  1. Laura (the next Bachelorette) says:

    UMMMMMMMMMMMM we are watching the next episode together.

  2. Randy Miller says:

    Please do these for the entire season…pleeeeeeeez. I need them. Send me a rose, yo!

  3. courtney farrell says:

    LOVING these posts, so far two out of two for hilarity and way, way more entertaining than this inexplicably child-centric season. Really, Chris Harrison, the MUPPETS? Will we be stuck here in kiddie lockdown–and in claustrophobic Charlotte, forever? IMHO, the only reason to watch any more episodes is to read Emily (the Funny One) Hirshey’s pitch-perfect recaps of Emily (the Boring One) Maynard’s search for…a CO-PARENT. Ugh.

  4. Bling says:

    I for one did not have any interest in watching this show prior to these summaries.
    Fortunately I still continue to not show interest in watching this show, but luckily I am able to keep my “manhood” and enjoy good humor through reading these summaries.
    I am considering watching the season when all the summaries are written up, which should make you feel a hand truck load of pressure to keep putting out these recaps.

  5. David says:

    When I am a contestant on the show, my opening line will be: I’m a carpenter by trade, but I’m here to build a relationship with you before I build you a house. And here instead of a hammer I have respect, instead of a tape measure I have trust, instead of a saw, ah fuck it, I’m out. Makes me wonder why I would even go through the trouble of auditions.

  6. I have wanted to do some kind of witty recap on these for the entire duration of the franchise. Glad I haven’t, because you slay these things. Add me to the list of fans :) .

  7. Alyssa says:

    The word in the blank is…… “Douchecanoe”

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