Dare to dream, little Gramcracker.
Ugh. Honestly. Like, I get that hometown dates is just the calm before the mind-blowing-achievement-of-television-programming storm that is “the fantasy suites” episode but…really. Why.
Maybe it was the game of ultimate fishbee (akin to ultimate frisbee, minus the frisbee, plus a fish…about equal in sex appeal). Or perhaps it was the astounding lack of genetic gifts bestowed upon these ladies’ parents (I’m sorry but if Des can hire an actor, so can ABC). Idk, you guys. I just k that I’m bored. And I miss Tierra.*
…But whatever, I’m a martyr. So, here you go.
The Bachelor , Season 17, Episode 8, by the numbers:
Remaining contestants: 4
Homegirls: 1. [See image.]
Houstons in Texas: 1 (We call this a “segway”)…
Rank on shock-o-meter that AshLee’s profession of love for Sean really “took [him] by surprise:” 10. Where 10 is “If she didn’t say it, I’d kick her off.” #lesleymproblems
Correlation of logical-spelling-of-name to coherent-stringing-together-of-words: positive…that your name’s spelled like a stripper’s and English is your second language.
“I see this man who I have fallen into love with.” – AshLee
Amount of times AshLee has raised her arms and fist-pumped God in the last 2 episodes: at least 3. Stop that now.
Years AshLee’s been “dreaming of this day”: 32 – “4 or 5″ = 27 or 28
Possible subjects of AshLee’s dreams heretofore: a bevy. Such as:
1) Racial equality
2) Peace on earth
3) A world where everyone says “good morning”
Upon meeting them, Sean’s skepticism that these are really AshLee’s adoptive parents and not directly related to her: nope, all good
The best way to introduce your boyfriend to your parents: 6 words — “We rolled around in the sand.”
Amount of other women you have to date to make it “very scary” to ask a man for his daughter’s hand in marriage: 3. Dating 2 or below? You’re golden.
Possible answers for “are you in love with my daughter?” that will satisfy no one: 2
1) “I’m crazy about your daughter.”
2) “Let’s eat sushi.” (Because it’s really not very filling.)
Amount of kids AshLee’s parents have fostered over the years: 16
Amount of hope I have that they picked their 16 kids to raise them on a Bachelor Contestant Farm: all the hope
Descriptions of AshLee by her dad that Sean may be doomed to repeat: 2
1) I love her.
2) This is gonna be really hard to give back.
Aforementioned descriptions that Sean may have said when becoming revirginized: 1
Seattles in Washington: 1 (We call this a “mirrored segway”)…
Catherine’s rate of increasing whimsy: 6 whimsigrams per episode
Amount of fish Sean can catch: 4 out of 4
Amount of fish Catherine can catch: 1 out of 2
Amount of fish in the sea: questionable
Possible monikers for Catherine’s grandmother: 3
3) “Winner of Season 17″
Based on Catherine’s explanation of “Mano,” Philippine traditions that sound strikingly similar to Bachelor traditions: 1. And kissing is part of both.
With this episode’s addition of Catherine and Lindsay, amount of women who demand Sean to do push-ups while they sit on him: HE’S NOT A PIECE OF MEAT
How well Catherine’s sisters get out full sentences: 0% well
How much smarter her sisters still manage to seem than any contestant on the show: 99% (LESLEY M, YOU ARE THE 1%)
How pissed Catherine will be when she realizes her sister told her potential fiance that he shouldn’t marry her because she’s more or less bipolar: they’ll be dead by morning
Fort Leonard Woods in Missouri: 1 (We call this “overkill”)…
Amount of stars a general needs to meet a Bachelor: 2
Amount of stars a general needs to meet Chris Harrison: there aren’t enough in the sky
Number of women who “bring out the kid” in Sean: 2
…And/or number of kids living inside of Sean: 2
Prayers I’ve said for Lindsay and Sean after seeing “a look at what [their] life would be like,” a.k.a. walking around an antique shop in Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri: Are you there, God? It’s me, lithium.
Ostensible reasons Sean is still with Lindsay: 3
1) “Lindsay is very ready to get married…”
2) “…and she’s ready to start a family…”
3) “…and I want to cultivate our relationship as much as I can.”
Ostensible reasons Lindsay would make a good farm animal: 2. I don’t think Missouri’s legalized same-stock marriages yet.
Names you should never call the Two-Star General whose permission you seek to maybe, eventually, possibly ask his daughter’s hand in marriage, once you’ve ruled out the other 3 girls you’re hooking up with: 1
“Just call him ‘Mark’.” – Lindsay
Different kinds of “ready,” as explained by Lindsay: 2
1) “Regular ready”
2) “Army ready”
Different kinds of “ready,” in terms of how I feel about Lindsay: 2
1) “Super ready…”
2) “…for you to leave and never return.”
Things Sean figured out that no one else has: 1
“I figured out [Lindsay] was more than just the crazy person I pegged her as.” – Sean
Number of shotguns on your wall necessary to make a man feel like if he doesn’t choose your daughter as his bride, he’s a dead man: 4-5
Number of dog tags necessary to hammer home the point that if this man doesn’t marry your daughter he will literally be shot by a militia: 3-4
Number of reasons Sean really “sees himself” in Lindsay’s family: [see death threats]
Los Angeles’s in California: 1 (That was the hardest one to pluralize)…
How many hours it took Desiree to perfect the girl-next-door-goes-hiking look: 36
Size of the role of pranking in Sean and Desiree’s relationship: far too large a role
People who couldn’t possibly be real human beings in Desiree’s life: 3
1) Her brother
2) Her mother
3) Her father
People who seemed relatable: 1
1) Her fake ex
Types of women who are named Roxanne and wear red pants: 2
1) The image in your head from that description
2) The opposite of that, who also birthed Desiree
Distance the apple falls from the tree in Desiree’s family: 70 gajillion miles
Moments that make Nate, the guy with the sleeve tattoos and serial-killer smile, the most relatable person ever on this show: at least 5
1) “This is, like, stupid almost.”
2) “If it were to happen, I’d be saying to myself, ‘There’s no way this can work out.’”
3) “You’re crazy about a lot of girls, right?”
4) “I think you’re a playboy. You’re just having fun with the circumstances.”
5) Sean: “I don’t think you’re buying it.”
Nate: “Haha not at all.”
Moments that bring us back: 1 — “Mind if I holler at you?”
Conversation topics that make any situation less awkward, as demonstrated by the social butterflies that gave Desiree life: 1 – the weather. (No but really these people are terrifyingly mundane.)
Minutes I had to wait this episode until all was right in the world again: 98 minutes. Dammit Chris, get there faster. I cannot bait my breath for that long.
Misuses of the word “literally:” 1
“Are all four women literally on the chopping block tonight?” – Chris Harrison
Correct uses of the word “ideally”: 1
“Ideally, they’d literally be on the chopping block.” – me
Faces Catherine absolutely NAILS, in reverse chronological order: 2
1) The I’m-not-gonna-cry-even-though-you’re-more-decisive-about-keeping-a-cougar-and-a-drunk-baby-than-me face
2) The I’m-so-carefree-I’ll-throw-a-fish-in-your-face face
Terrible pieces of advice given by Chris Harrison: 2
1) To Sean: “My advice to you: get this right.”
2) To the mirror: “My advice to you: wear that tie.”
Emotions I felt throughout this rose ceremony: A ROLLERCOASTER OF FEELINGS
Instruments that scored said rollercoaster: like 80. It was a John Williams orchestrated theme park of tears and joy. I think I heard a lute.
Exit speeches Des studied before crafting her “all I want to do is make someone happy” soliloquy: 1. Sean Lowe’s departure from Emily Maynard. Hmm….
Words I have left to say: 4
IT’S. FANTASY. SUITES. TIME.
When Sean’s virginity better have been reborn: the week after.
*75% left eyebrow, 15% right eyebrow, 10% the space between