You can tell she/he was quite the looker in his/her day

                  Lots of different things warm my heart to a gentle simmer.  Like…  labradoodle puppies, whiskey, gin, any four dollar bottle of wine, a child’s laughter in small doses, or a long island ice tea.  But, when I want to take it from a simmer to a real Charlie and the Chocolate Factory heart warming experience…   I would have to say that pictures of old people do the trick every time.

ok lady, hurry up. Just choose your Jamba boost.

"sooooo, these are ALL the sunglasses you sell? ...Ya.. well fuck. None of these fit."

"How am I gonna tell my parents I'm pregnant.."

"Bitch, gimme the early bird coupon!"

"Depends?? NEVER!!!! Leave me alone!! I'm keeping my dignity!!!!!"

"What did you say? just kidding...did you hear that mouse fart?"

"Fuck you guys, we said Hawaii, not Florida. We live 4 blocks from here."

"mutha fuckers actin like fools, I gets my shit at Pennys, I dont shop at no mutha fuckin Ross!"

"Look, see right over there.... No look... LOOOOOOK. Look where im pointing."

His roses never smell like poo poo poo

Okay, clearly I’m a really busy and important person who usually reads books and does community work in her downtime soooooo it’s not as if I wanted to watch the premiere of The Bachelorette last night. Or like had it in my iCal since the finale of The Bachelor. Or Skype-wept with my mother over the recent announcement of host Chris Harrison’s divorce.

Obviously not.

But I begrudgingly watched last night’s episode, as I find it my duty to keep up with the cultural zeitgeist. (See? No one unironically watches reality dating shows and knows the word zeitgeist. #logic) Also because this year’s bachelorette, Emily Maynard, has my same first name. That speaks to me. But not everyone can have that deep a connection to the show, nor such a strong sense of civic duty to keep up with the dregs of humanity (the bachelors). So I did you all a favor and spared you 90 minutes by breaking down the highlights. You’re welcome.

Alas, The Bachelorette Season 8 Premiere, by the numbers:

• Potential suitors: 25
• Potential husbands: 1. Chris Harrison and only Chris Harrison.
• Average LPM (mentions of word “love” per minute): 15
• Potential tattoos, brought to you by the bachelorette herself: 3
  • “I think you should save being engaged for someone you’re going to marry.”
  • “Put on your big girl panties.”
  • “I believe in love and fabulous shoes.”
• How many babies, Emily?: “a minivan full of babies”
• Careers that did not exist until now: 2
  • Joe, the Field Energy Advisor
  • John, the Data Destruction Specialist
• How much Emily thinks the bachelors have “given up to be here:” “SO much”
• How much the bachelors actually gave up to be there: literally nothing. There is no such thing as a Data Destruction Specialist.
• Number of words used in the 3-line song David the singer/songwriter wrote for Emily: 2 (“Emily” and “Oh”)
• Minimum number of things men like to look at, according to the bachelor montage: 8. Specifically:
  • Bridges
  • Barges
  • Ties
  • The Distance
  • Subways
  • Sidewalks
  • Rivers
  • The Sun
• Number of bachelors who like to walk or run on empty streets, roads, or race car tracks, according to the bachelor montage: 6
• Number of guys with dogs: 3
• Number of guys with cats: 0 (thank god)
• Number of hugs given out as Emily meets the 25 bachelors: 28 (Welp. Someone’s a little slutty.)
• Number of disturbingly insensitive mentions of Emily’s late baby daddy, who died tragically in a plane crash: 2
  • “I see things my daughter does that remind me of her dad and it’s cool. It’s awesome.” – Emily
  • “I’m a race car driver; her fiancée was a race car driver who passed away on his way to a race. That could be a problem.” – Arie*
• Minimum number of bachelors who should be committed (the other kind) based on their use of props: 5… Though digging the boombox cameo.
• Number of black guys in the first episode: 1!
• Number of black guys who made it to the second episode: 0
• Number of requests required for me to recap every episode from here on: 2. A CALL TO ARMS!
• Number of episodes I’ll watch anyway: I mean…Come on.

* Number of problems solved easier by learning to apparate at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry than by changing professions: 1.

On Tuesday, May 15th, my second book “I Suck At Girls” comes out.  I will be going on a book tour for the next three weeks, and would love it if you could come out.  Even if you just want to tell me to fuck off.  Hmm, maybe not if you want to do that.  Seems like that would be a bummer.

At almost all of these I’ll be doing a little talk and reading, but if it turns out that the book store just wants me to sign, I’ll stick around after and answer any questions you might have.

Anyway, here is the tour dates and info.

5/15 – NEW YORK CITY  6 PM – 7 PM

BARNES & NOBLE – Tribeca
Barnes & Noble #2255
97 Warren Street
New York, NY 10007

5/16 – NEW YORK CITY  12:30 PM

WORD FOR WORD READING SERIES at BRYANT PARK – Outdoor talk/signing with Ali Wentworth
Hosted by Sara Barron
Bryant Park outdoor Reading Room ( 42nd Street allé) – between 5th & 6th Avenues

5/16 – NEW HAVEN, CT  7 – 8 PM

Long Wharf Theater
222 Sargent Drive
New Haven, CT 06511
Theater PH: 203-787-4282

5/17 – LOS ANGELES 6:45 – 8 PM

BARNES & NOBLE – The Grove
Barnes & Noble #2089
189 The Grove Drive
Los Angeles, CA 90036

5/19 – SAN DIEGO 6:15 – 7:30 PM

POINT LOMA HIGH SCHOOL
Gymnasium
2335 Chatsworth Blvd
San Diego, California 92106

5/21 – DENVER, CO  7:30 – 8:30

TATTERED COVER – LoDo Store 7:30-8:30
1628 16th Street
Denver, CO 80202

5/22 – SEATTLE, WA  7 – 8PM

UNIVERSITY BOOKSTORE – U District Store
4326 University Way NE
Seattle, WA 98105

5/23 – PORTLAND, OR  6:45 – 8PM

POWELL’S
3723 SE Hawthorne Blvd.  NOTE: This  may be off-site, so check with Powell’s website.

5/28 – TORONTO 7 – 8PM

CHAPTERS JOHN & RICHMOND
142 John Street
Toronto, Ontario
M5V 2E9
Canada

5/29 – BOSTON, MA 7 – 8 PM

BROOKLINE BOOKSMITH
290 Harvard St.
Boston, MA 02446

5/30 AUSTIN, TX 7 -8 PM

BOOKPEOPLE
603 North Lamar
Austin, TX 78703

5/31 DALLAS, TX 7 -8 PM

BARNES & NOBLE LINCOLN PARK
7700 West Northwest Hwy
Dallas, TX 75225

6/4 SAN FRANCISCO  7:30 – 8:30

THE BOOKSMITH
1644 Haight Street
San Francisco

6/6 WASHINGTON D.C.  7 -8 PM

SIXTH & I (Washington JCC)
600 I Street, NW
Washington, DC 20001

6/7 NEW YORK CITY  Time TBD

This will be at an Apple Store but if you bring your book, I will sign the HELL OUT OF IT.  (Don’t know what that means.)

There are two types of men on planet earth, those who suck at girls, and those who don’t.  I will admit that I am a member of the unfortunate species who suck at girls. I am also member of a small part of society that needed head gear, which probably isn’t helping my case.  Either way, it is nice to know that there are other guys out there who suck, or have sucked at girls.  Justin Halpern is one of those guys, and he was kind enough to write down an anthology of the early sucking at girls stage of his life in a book called I Suck at Girls, due out this May.  This in no way is a plug for that book…okay it is.  Anyway, here are some more guys that suck at girls:

I like that this guy has decided to respond to his boner by being angry, not embarrassed. "FUCK YOU BONER."

"Trust me dude it is way better going with this spelling of 'come'."

"I'm so glad I bought this shirt..."

"Hmmm, let's take another one. This one turned out weird."

"...I actually am happy to see you..."

"I have to go to the bathroom...NOW!"

"Does this mean I get to see you naked?"

"Don't worry, I'm big where it counts." "No you're not." No... No I'm not."

"It's one thing to suck at girls, but it's gotta be even worse to get arrested on top of that."

I don’t mind flying, I just hate the airport.  It’s a terrible place filled with forced small talk and a mutual hatred between the people who work there, and everyday travelers.  I was stuck in the airport for about four hours longer than I needed to be.  While I was there, I bought a five dollar bag of trial mix, finished three magazines, and most likely contracted SARS.  If you hate dealing with shit at the airport, this gallery is for you.

"It's like that one OK GO video. Only way less exciting and we have to go to Cleveland after we wake up."

"Could you imagine if these had been around, we could have been deprived of Home Alone 2?'

"Ok kids, it's time to state our claim as creepiest family on the delayed flight to Denver!"

"Twilight sucks."

"Ma'am this isn't Southwest...You are going to have to put on some pants."

"Yeah, we'll just say how okay we are with him being gay in a sign, right at the airport! He'll totally think that's cool and not at all AWKWARD AS FUCK."

"Okay girls, daddy needs to take a little nap before a very serious business meeting where the bonus he could get could pay for your college..."

"Now no one comes in...no one goes out..."

"Fuckin' Chili's drink vouchers..."

Kevin thought he would lighten the mood with a simple, "At least buy me dinner first," joke. He then underwent an entire anal cavity search.

If you don’t wanna pet that Panda-Dog real bad, you got a SCREW LOOSE SON!

Look.  I’ve seen enough dogs.  I know what a regular elephant looks like.   I know what a regular tiger looks like.   …LET’S START MASHIN’ ‘EM UP!!

Some people are gonna say “Ahhh…How sad! You shouldn’t paint your dog!”

But please don’t listen to them. Please paint your dog.  It makes for a more interesting world and people might finally think twice about giving their poor puppy to the pound once it has turned into a boring-ass “normal adult dog” if only they had the option to convert it into a dragon or a condor.

...or a cheeto.

Not painted. Just shaved. It's a bear. Some people think he looks evil. I don't really see that.

This one's not done yet. It's gonna be a mountain lion.

I don't know. ...I guess a parrot or some shit.

Once a week I go to the store and pick out a beer I’ve never tried. Then I drink PLENTY of them, enough to get me COMPLETELY FUCKING …inspired. THEN I write an unedited review. Below is what my liver hopes does not become a weekly column called “I Got Wasted On A Beer Then Reviewed It While I Was Totally Wasted.”

Stone Smoked Porter

Stone’s beers are wild.  Wilder than Bill “The Thrill” Hickock and wilder than weeds.  I’m not gonna even try to get nit picky with the flavors of this rich, robust beer.   There are too many subtleties and since I’m drunk, I’ll just flat out admit it’s beyond my capabilities.

So let’s just say it’s smokey and rich… and it pours a dark, opaque, bubble smuggling chocolate brown…and the first sip suggests hints of toffee and edible leather and as you continue the flavors become even tougher to pin down. They continually change. The complex aroma and sultry mouthfeel  team up to form a flavor that …ummm…still isn’t sure of itself….still wants to try to maybe have a bitter overtone, or a malty presence or maybe even eventually get more into protecting wildlife.

Dammit. SEE. That’s why I didn’t even wanna try. I wish some of these beers would just flat out yell the flavor into my tongue’s ear for ONCE.  It takes a lot of concentration to get to some of these finer notes and subtle overtones…concentration that I could be using for other things like finally learning how to levitate without getting all wobbly.   Someday just flat out tell me “here is a roasted coffee taste man.. RIGHT HERE!”…and stop making  me sound like an indecisive, passive-aggressive bitch.

I’m not trying to be a pessimist …but its just not gonna happen. I realize that.  These beers are so complex.  It has only happened ONCE in my life, and it turned out to be chocolate milk.

Need some motivation to drink this beer? Don’t feel like drinking a smokey porter? Here. Get in the mood.  Watch this and stop being an idiot.  This guy would drink the shit out of a smokey porter. He is not a bum. He’s a cowboy (he has guns). His name is Gabby Hayes.  I know that only because that’s what it says on the YouTube title.  But I’m sure there’s some of you out there who will say “Ya..Gabby Hayes! Dude, he’s classic! …What? You don’t know Gabby Hayes?”

Pair this beer with:  Your favorite Gabby Hayes line.  I recommend this one… directed towards whoever the WORST decipherer in the room is:  ”You can’t even tell a new dress from a fancy saddle.” …It’s a ridiculously stupid thing to say.  But it pairs well.

I think my favorite part is when he starts listing the different names he calls women, and you can TELL he could keep going for another two or three minutes, but a producer in the background was probably flashing a red light for him to wrap it up.

The level of douchebaggery needed to pull of this type of apology is VERY high.  You can’t just stumble in to being this big of a douchebag, you have to put in the work.  Nothing comes easy people.